- Why Shared Values Are More Important Than Shared Interests
- Loving In Your Partner’s Shoes
- What Will You Do Differently This Year?
- How Spontaneity Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life
- Why Worrying About Your Partner Cheating Is Pointless
- Are You A Creator Or A Reactor In Love
- Don’t Share Your Relationship Problems With Whoever Who Will Listen
- “We’re not completely unhappy” and other half baked statements about your relationship
- Will You Still Be Having The Same Arguments In 20 Years?
- Valentine’s Day – A Day For Love Or Letdown?
Are Your Emotions Killing Your Desire?
Healthy, mutual, loving sex is initiated out of desire, a desire to connect, to touch and love, and to be touched and loved.
Desire can come on suddenly, or it can grow slowly and surely over the course of hours, days, weeks or months.
It may be that the desire is a small flickering pilot light, barely seen or felt, and with the right type and amount of touch it becomes a strong, bright flame, or it may be that immense flame is constantly burning.
Desire feels good. It’s exciting and sexy. It draws us towards our partner, and inspires us to freely and openly express passion, love, intimacy and connection.
But what if that desire seems to be absent?
What if you’ve had little or no desire for your partner, and can’t seem to muster it no matter how much you want to?
It can be a confusing and frustrating situation to be in. You know you love your partner, you know that you want to want them, but that desire just isn’t there.
You remember those early days when you couldn’t get enough of each, and now it seems to take teeth gritting and a total force of will to get you naked with your loved one.
It’s common to blame the other person when desire is low, to suggest that they don’t make enough effort, they don’t do things quite how you want them to, or to list all the ways they have turned you off with their behaviour in the past.
Perhaps though, you are turning yourself off?
Your lack of desire could be more your doing, than your partners.
Which isn’t to blame you, but instead to give you the good news.
Good news? Yes, because if you are killing your desire, it means that YOU can resuscitate it.
How Your Emotions Affect Desire
Health problems, and sexual dysfunctions aside, there are many other ways to kill desire. There are absolutely bound to be times when you’re genuinely tired, stressed or when the actions of your partner might contribute to a wane in desire, but negative thoughts and emotions are by far one of the best ways to turn your self off.
Anger, shame, guilt, resentment, inhibition and anxiety are just a handful of the powerful negative feelings that can put a dampener on desire, and interfere with your sex life.
When we hold onto these kinds of feelings, they corrode our desire with their poison. It is extremely difficult to be angry at someone and still want to be intimate with them. Likewise, if you are anxious, it can be an internal battle to try and relax into the mood of sex.
The feelings being held onto may be towards your partner, or towards yourself. Both ways are just as toxic.
The catch-22 with negative emotions is that we create them for reasons that feel right at the time. If we are cheated on, we feel justified in being angry and distant. If we are scared of being rejected, we feel safer being inhibited and self conscious. But on the tail of these seemingly relevant emotions is the flow on effects into our relationships, sex lives, and even into other parts of our lives.
Letting Your Desire Live Again
As long as you have unresolved hurt, disappointment, anger, anxiety, guilt or self-esteem issues, your sexual desire will suffer.
The only way to let it live again is to take the time to work through whatever negative thoughts and feelings are infecting you and your relationship.
Negative emotions that have come about due to issues in your relationship need to be addressed with your partner, and if need be, with the help of a professional so that you can move past them and allow yourself to rediscover the desire you felt for your partner.
Year of holding onto anger or resentment towards them won’t allow you to feel the desire you want to feel, it will only cause a deeper and wider gap between you and your partner.
Negative emotions that are personal to you, but are affecting your sexual relationship with your partner should still be discussed with your partner if possible, and again, if help is needed to overcome these, professional help should be sought.
If there are issues that you feel your partner is responsible for, consider how you might contribute to these negative situations, and what, if anything, you can do to help reduce or remove them from your relationship.
You don’t have to let your desire die away and leave you in a sexless partnership. We all deserve to have a sexually satisfying relationship, but even when things have gone cold, it doesn’t have to mean the end.
Look inside of yourself and be honest about whether your desire is being killed by thoughts or emotions that you could heal and release from your life.
You owe it to yourself, and it could make a big difference not only to your relationship, but to your life as a whole.
Important: If you believe your lack of sex drive may be related to a medical condition, or a mental health condition, please consult with a professional so you can get the support you need.