Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, Deal With The Real Stuff Instead

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complainingHow did that gorgeous, sweet funny guy you fell in love with, get so annoying?

Why is it that instead of making your heart swell with love, your wife now makes you irritable and frustrated?

Where did it all go so wrong?

There isn’t often a day that goes past in my business, where I don’t spend time with clients who have all sorts of complaints and niggles about their partner.

The plethora of grievances my clients bring up vary, but many of them are probably common to you, He doesn’t help out around the house enough, she’s always late home, he never shows me any affection, her friends and hobbies are more important than I am.

These are some pretty generalized complaints. The details are always finer and can become as minute as fussing about what side of the bench someone puts their cup on or how loudly someone blows their nose.

Eventually it gets to the point where the talk about all the things being done wrong, far outweighs any real meaningful conversation or connection. Every single day is littered with constant complaints and arguments, rather than taking a couple closer towards their ultimate love.

The Small Stuff Is Never The Real Stuff

It’s so easy to get stuck in a constant cycle of focusing on the small stuff, escalating minor details into much bigger issues.

It’s destructive to any relationship, and ultimately a thinly veiled avoidance technique that allows you to hide from the real stuff going on underneath.

There are always going to be things that irritate you when you live in close quarters with someone else, when you combine two lives and (if it’s in your plans) create a family. But if you really stop and think about it, are any of those irritants worth losing the person you love over?

If it came down to it, would you ever leave your partner because they didn’t put their mug in the dishwasher after a drink, or because they never seem to notice the washing waiting to be folded?

Probably not, because we both know it’s not really those things that are damaging your relationship.

All of those little arguments are about something much more important. They are the outward expression of an inner emotion that you are trying to avoid sharing.

Things aren’t right, you can feel that, but acknowledging what’s really wrong might mean either hurting the person you love, or hurting yourself. If you face up to how you really feel, it could mean the end, it could mean admitting things have gone completely off course.

Or it could mean creating a path to healing, and a much happier and healthier relationship.

When you niggle over all the small stuff, instead of being open, honest and loving, your true feelings get lost in the noise.

Nagging, complaining and making everything your partner does wrong tend to result in you being tuned out, ignored and disregarded. There is absolutely nothing about this approach that encourages open, productive communication or a healthy relationship.

What’s Really Going On?

It’s time to dig in deep, to go inside your heart and look for some answers.  With every complaint, with all the nit-picking and fighting, what’s really going on?

  • What do you really want from all these petty arguments?
  • Do you feel like you need to control, belittle, deflect, defend, or are you trying to ask for something that you’re not getting?
  • What’s the one thing you want your partner to know, to see, to understand about you?
  • What feels too uncomfortable or too painful to admit about your relationship?
  • What are you covering up with all the noise you are making?
  • What’s the worse case scenario if you actually own up to how you REALLY feel?
  • And can you deal with that?

The thing is, what might feel scary and impossible to overcome right now, probably really isn’t. With the right communication, commitment and willingness, most couples stuck in the small stuff cycle can come out of it, face their real issues and move forward with a lot more love and respect for each other.

You may need some help, and if you feel like you do, then perhaps I can be the person to support you and get you over that dark hill you’ve been stalled on. But once the real stuff is moved out of the way, all the small stuff blocking your way will fall away too.

Changing You Can Change Everything

A relationship fraught with bickering, bitching and moaning is not healthy. It might have become your norm, but it is certainly not something you have to, or should, keep putting up with.

Change is possible, it’s not always easy, but it’s always possible.

If you are ready to change YOU, then everything can change. I promise.

So, do you want to keep on with the fighting, or are you ready to start being honest with yourself, and your partner, about what the real issues are?

Remember, I’m here to help if you think you need a helping hand to get through the hard stuff. Just check out my couples coaching services and get in touch.

Don’t let this go on for any longer. Start reaching towards the incredible love you deserve right now.

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About rachaellay

3 Comments

  1. Pingback: Arguing Can Make Your Relationship Healthier | Rachael Lay

  2. Pingback: Why Shared Values Are More Important Than Shared Interests | Rachael Lay

  3. Roxie

    August 8, 2015 at 9:13 am

    I have been looking for you for quite some time, this is all the stuff I do in my relationship, and I’m ready for change. I believe it’s my own insecurities that stand in the way more often, and I better express mgr thoughts and feelings in written words, but my spouse hated being 16 page letters or 20 text messages. I need some personal, and relational change, I don’t want to lose my relationship, or have to start over again.

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