True love

The one

Soul mate

Terms we hear and use all the time to define that one person who steals our heart and keeps it forever.

Movies make millions as gorgeous stars search for ‘the one’, artists go platinum lamenting the loss of their soul mate and some of our most famous poets made their names in history with odes to true love.

Early in life we learn that the prince and princess always eventually find each other and live happily ever after.

Then, later in life, after our share of heartbreak, kissing too many frogs and feeling deep disappointment, we start to doubt that true love exists at all.

I certainly did, but now I fully believe and I want to tell you why.

It’s a personal story, much more personal (and to be honest, quite gushy in parts) than I would normally share, but I’ll do it anyway for two reasons:

1) So you can understand a bit more about why I became a relationship coach and the life experience I bring to my practice

2) And why I am so passionate about helping others discover that true love really does exist.

My Path To True Love

I’ll condense the early part of my story so as not to bore you too much.

As a teenager, and like many teenage girls do, I fell in and out of love with barely a change in the wind. So many times I was convinced I had found my true love (including Morten Harket from A-Ha), and ignoring my mother’s advice that I would soon come to my senses was a daily pastime. Especially when I was ready to run away with my Mormon penpal/boyfriend after his gap year finished and he was going home. How could she deny my (2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th) true love?

After a small collection of ill fated relationships, when I was 21 years old I met and married a man who never felt the way I did about him. I didn’t know that at the time, despite feeling like something was always off, but because I loved him I still assumed this was true love and as good as it got, and I went about trying my best to make our relationship work.

Just after my 29th birthday I announced it was over, after much soul searching and many many months of trying desperately to uncover what would keep us going. All I had uncovered was a friendship, and his selfish passion for my 6 figure income, but nothing much more.

Then I met a man who would completely tip my world upside down.

He was fun, he was extreme, he was like no one I had been with before, and I thought he was just what I needed for a while instead of true love. I felt like I needed a break from ‘love’ and just needed to play around for a while.

In the months after we first started seeing each other I discovered I had more on my hands than I expected.

An alcoholic, a drug addict, and a gambling addict.

I didn’t figure it all out straight away, but slowly the pieces came together. By the time I really knew how bad it was, he was very sick with his alcohol addiction, was taking drugs all day every day to get through, and had accrued $100,000 in debt.

And I was desperately in love.

Anyone reading the 3 paragraphs before this one would have every reason to think I was clinically insane, but anyone who knew the man wouldn’t be surprised by my having been swept off my feet.

He was charming, loving, sweet and kind.

He was also mean, unpredictable, deceitful, toxic and manipulative.

Nearly 3 years into our relationship (so much for playing the field), I decided that the negative aspects of the man I loved were no longer tolerable. After an intense and frightening argument that caused me to have a major panic attack, he packed up everything he owned and I shut the door behind him. My heart broken, my soul breathing a sigh of relief.

But I never stopped loving him.

I couldn’t. It was nothing I can explain. It didn’t make sense and as I tried to move on with my life I wanted to be able to let him go completely. I had set strong boundaries. We didn’t spend time together and there was no doubt about my position on his addiction and what part I would have in his life.

But still, my heart wouldn’t let go.

I figured I just needed more time. I went out with my friends, I got on with my hobbies and my career, and I waited for the love to fade.

1 year later the man that I loved slowly started to shed the husk that had formed around him and bit by bit, his truth began to shine its light out of the cracks. His recovery had begun.

The man that I had seen underneath it all was revealing himself and I could almost hear my heart saying “See, told you so”.

I couldn’t let myself go there though. It was all too soon, all too new. I had seen previous attempts to do better crumble in front of me, and I wasn’t willing to let go of the recovery I had had to go through too, to get past loving an addict.

But still my heart wouldn’t let go.

And in the year that followed I slowly but surely gave my heart back to the man I loved.

That was 5 years ago and today I have a husband that is my one true love.

My best friend, my lover, my unending love. And soon to be the father of my child.

With each of us living our truth, being vulnerable, open, honest and willing to do everything we had done before differently, we reached the strongest, deepest love we could imagine.

It’s the love I had begun doubting was ever possible. A love that gets better with every day, a love that grows in intensity with every life challenge (and we’ve had a fair few), a love that feels so powerful it sometimes makes my breath catch.

It’s a love that I reflect on, and marvel at. I can’t believe that it is possible to feel this way. Even with all my girlish hopes, I never imagined that love would feel this good, that every single day I would be thankful and feel so absolutely gifted by the love in my life.

See, told you it would all get a bit gushy.

Don’t get me wrong, we are still a normal couple. We don’t always agree and there are days when we each wish the other would do things differently, but there isn’t a single day that goes by when we take each other for granted.

We worked too hard to get here. It didn’t come easy.

We chose love. We chose each other. And we make that choice every single day because this is true love.

We both believe that.

So yes, I believe in true love. I know it’s power to overcome hurt and heart break. I know that with true love, effort and commitment that you can find your way through what might break other couples. I know that true love can make you feel as though you can overcome anything, that you have a doubled strength that can take you to new heights. I know that it can grow and expand when it is nurtured and respected. I know that it’s what we all deserve, what we should all experience, and it is my mission to make that possible.

It’s why I do what I do.

It’s why I am the best coach to help you find YOUR true love.

I know it’s possible and what it takes.

So, if you’re ready to believe in true love again too, but you need a supportive, helping hand to get there, I can be that for you. I truly believe we can all have the most incredible love, and that each and every one of us deserve it. You just have decide that you’ll accept nothing less.

As a Relationship Coach, one of driving reasons for the work I do is to help couples heal their relationship, rather than see them throw in the towel and walk away from each other.

I am a big believer in perseverance. I feel strongly about making the effort, about fighting for love, and moving away from the disposable thinking that too many people have about their marriage or partnership.

I believe my stand on these things comes from not only being a child from a family of multiple divorces and the chaos that followed, but also from having been divorced myself and then fighting for my next relationship, to get it to the amazing place it is today.

Love can be hard work, and a marriage or long term relationship can be even tougher.

Melding your life with another person�s can be fraught with challenges, and yet it�s what so many of us yearn to do, and go out of our way to make happen.

An important part of my business is Singles Coaching for this very reason. We want love, we want to get coupled up, we want to have that person in our lives who we adore, who adores us, and who we can live happily ever after with.

Except it doesn�t always go that way.

Every day I work with people who feel like the dream has ended. They feel hurt, stuck, frustrated, out of love and ready to walk away. All the love they started out with seems to have faded, life has got in the way, and it�s usually only a last ditch effort that brings them to me, to see if their relationship is worth saving.

Most of the time it is. But there are times when my professional opinion is to move on.

It doesn�t happen too often. It�s amazing the changes that can occur with commitment, the right support and a damn good dose of effort. Out of love couples can, and do, find themselves full of love all over again.

So how do you know if you can be one of those couples, or if you should you walk away?

While all relationships are different, and every combination of people, events, values and the level of trouble really mixes things up, in my experience there are 3 definite indicators that you need to end a relationship, and 3 red flag situations that could prove fatal, but could also be an opportunity to take your relationship to higher ground.

3 Deal Breakers

Mental, Sexual or Physical Abuse

At no time, under no circumstances, should you accept any form of mental, sexual or physical abuse.

If you are in a relationship that involves any of these forms of abuse, please seek help immediately.

Addiction

Addiction is a complex and difficult journey to be part of. I have loved and lived with an addict and, despite loving him deeply I had to walk away.

In the absence of any acknowledgement of the problem or attempt at recovery, you should step away from a relationship with an addict.

Loss Of Self

If you feel that you have to be someone you�re not and don�t want to be, to be in a relationship, then that loss of self should be a deal breaker for you.

Being controlled and having to relinquish your truth, your essential self, to gain approval of another, or to avoid negative consequences is not part of a healthy, loving relationship.

3 Red Flags

One Sided Effort

Maybe you�ve been trying to save your relationship for a long time. You feel like you�ve done all you can and yet, it just never gets better.

If the effort in your relationship is completely one sided, without any attempts to improve the situation from your partner, then there may come a point when continuing to fight for the relationship is no longer healthy or beneficial for you.

Strong Conflict Of Life Choices, Morals Or Values

If your partner has morals or values that are in strong conflict to your own, and you are unable to at least see and respect their perspectives, there are bound to be ongoing struggles that will slowly deteriorate your relationship. Likewise, if there are life choices that you disagree completely on, like whether to have children or not for example, the attempt to compromise could leave your relationship in a damaged state.

Repeated Betrayal

A single instance of cheating, lying, or any other kind of betrayal is hard enough to get through for most couples, but up the stakes with repeated, constant instances of these behaviours and you’ve got a tough road ahead.

Repeated betrayal with no signs of remorse or intention to stop is a very strong indicator that a relationship is probably terminal. In some extremely rare cases a couple might make it through, but at some point self respect should prevail, and have you put your walking shoes on.

Still Unsure?

Of course, we could add many other common relationship woes to these lists, but while you or I might consider troubles like constant fighting, financial concerns, a lack of communication or intimacy problems deal breakers, it depends on the severity of the issue or behaviour and how strongly the other person feels about these that makes them workable, or the end of the line for a couple.

What truly matters, when it comes down to moving past even the most difficult of problems you face in your relationship, is a mutual interest in overcoming them. If both of you are committed to working through the issues, to doing things differently, then you have a chance of coming through the storm to the other side, and seeing just how incredible love can be when you fight for it.

So what are your deal breakers? What wouldn’t work for you, that might work for others? I would love for you to share your comments below.

What kind of crazy headline is that?? It might not make sense right now, but let me explain.

Do you sometimes feel as if your partner is purposefully ignoring your requests, or purposefully trying to be difficult and hurtful towards you?

Does it seem like you are constantly in a losing battle to get your needs met, or to figure out how to resolve an ongoing problem between the two of you?

It can be extremely frustrating and, at times, completely destructive to be in a situation like this, when no matter how much you try, you end up back at square one every time.

You go over and over the situation in your head and come to conclusions that seem right based on your experience and you wonder how you can get your partner to see things from your perspective.

But perhaps it�s not your perspective you need to push.

What if I told you, you could get a whole lot further by considering your partner�s perspective instead?

Fighting Blind

I recently worked with a couple that had already been to a series of group marriage classes and learning about each others love languages was a foundational element of the sessions.

Through their learning the wife identified that she needed physical closeness to feel loved, particularly when she was hurt, feeling down, or just wanting connection.

Her husband identified that he needed recognition and appreciation for all the work he did to create a comfortable life for their family, including his job and other areas that he put a lot of effort into.

With these new insights on board they left the class and the wife promptly went about giving a lot more messages of appreciation and validation. Everything her husband did to help or improve their situation, she praised him for it, almost going over the top to show how much it meant to her. Her husband seemed to positively glow with pride each time and she felt good for giving him this love.

Then one day she experienced a particularly bad day and was feeling overwhelmed with life. She expressed this to her husband hoping he would try out his new understanding and give her a hug.

He didn�t, so she came out and blatantly asked him to give her a hug. Still he didn�t, which made her more upset until the tears came.

And still he wouldn�t hug her.

She walked away hurt, disappointed and feeling resentful towards her husband. She questioned his feelings for her and his desire to make their marriage work at all.

Why despite new knowledge, clear requests and a strong emotional response to his lack of affection would her husband deny such a simple and yet powerful gesture?�Her words to me when I asked what she thought it was all about were �He just doesn�t care is all. I�m just not that important to him.�

I could understand her somewhat defeated conclusion.

I encouraged my client to think about whether there would be anything her husband might be fearful or cautious about in giving out his hugs. What could he stand to lose? What might threaten him if he let himself go with this basic connection?

At first there didn�t seem to be any reasons that she could think of and it seemed she was becoming slightly annoyed that we were focusing on her husband and not on how she was missing out. And then there was a moment of silence followed by:

• “I think when I am upset he feels like it is his fault and he needs to defend himself which might make him withdraw from me”.
• “Or he could be feeling that hugging me means my problem is now also his and I know he already feels pressured by everything he already does to solve other problems for us as a family”.
• “Also I know he wants me to be stronger and I guess he could be worried that if he hugs me, I am going to depend on him more and more to provide emotional support rather than getting stronger myself”.
• “The thing is, I don�t think he�s trying to hurt me by not hugging me, I think it just feels uncomfortable and confusing for him because he is always the one sorting things out and he can�t �sort� me out”.

All of a sudden my clients face softened and she saw beyond the surface of this apparent rejection, into the depths of meaning her husband might bring to her request.

Now, rather than standing only in her shoes, with only the knowledge of how this experience felt for her, she had stepped into her husband�s shoes and looked at it from his perspective.

Do you need to look at your stories from another angle?

When we find ourselves in a situation that we aren’t happy about, or doesn’t meet our needs in some way, it’s common to get stuck in a cycle of thinking only about how it is for us, and how we are the victims of the situation.

What we feel is real for us, and can’t be disputed.

But the truth behind that feeling can be examined, and it is only with facts from all sides that you can fully understand what’s really going on.

At first this means being willing to put your ego aside and ask if there is more to the situation than you are aware of, and if so, what else might be going on for your partner.

Obviously you can�t know for sure if what you imagine might be going on for your partner is actually true so the next step is to be brave, open and loving, and ask your partner for their truth, so that you can better understand what’s really going on.

So, next time you find yourself in a situation where your feel completely at odds with your partner, and can�t seem to get what you want or need from them, stop and step out of your shoes, into theirs. It might be hard to hear what they have to say, but if you are willing to listen and learn, it could take you a lot closer to that love you really want.�

It is said that actions speak louder than words, and in many cases I agree, but the words we use can hold a lot of power too.

With only words we can build someone up or tear them down. We can bring smiles, or sadness. And simply by opening our mouths and forming a combination of words we can create love, or destroy it.

Our words can have immense power, including the power to bring us more of what we want, and less of what we don’t.

But just as it’s easy to forget to show your partner you love them through your actions, it’s also easy to forget to use the right words to clearly express exactly how you feel about someone, and leave absolutely no doubt about how much you love and appreciate them.

Sadly, as time goes by in many relationships it’s often the default to use words to criticize, blame, judge or nag. Or if none of those are your style, perhaps it’s just that you’ve got so caught up in the day-to-day conversations about the bills, work, the dog, the kids and what’s for dinner, that there’s little space left for words of love.

Life gets busy and it can get in the way if you let it. But the great thing is that the words you can say to your partner to create more love in your relationship don’t take long to say, and don’t have to be carefully crafted poetic odes of love.

There’s no need to start memorizing the prose of Keats or Wordsworth, or try to construct your own over the top, exaggerated and gushy declarations of love. All you have to do is practice giving the small, but incredibly valuable gift of loving words.

It’s that easy, yet so often ignored as a pathway to increased love and intimacy.

There are too many false beliefs that love is about grand gestures, never fighting, always having great sex, receiving flowers, expensive dates and being the only person your partner ever looks at.

But real love, true deep love, is built on foundations much stronger, yet more simple than any of that, and being able to openly and lovingly communicate your appreciation and respect for your partner is right there at the core of what love is really all about.

So, what are these magical words that can bring you more love?

As I’ve said, there’s nothing particularly magical about them at all, they are super simple and if you have language skills beyond those of the average 8 year old, you have all of the words you need already, without me telling you what to say.

But in case you don’t know quite where to start, here’s 30 examples of putting together a few simple words, which can make all the difference to how loved your partner feels.

1. Thank you

2. I’m sorry

3. I really appreciated it when you did/said that.

4. It’s times like this when I feel even closer to you.

5. I’m so in love with you

6. I’m so proud of you.

7. You look handsome/beautiful/gorgeous/sexy/stunning tonight.

8. How you feel/what you want/your opinion is important to me.

9. I love you more with every day.

10. I miss you when you’re not around.

11. I trust you to do what’s right/make the right decision/sort this out.

12. I feel so proud being your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner.

13. You are the best mother/father I could choose for my children.

14. You are my best friend.

15. There’s no one else for me, but you.

16. You’re so clever/smart/funny/helpful/loving.

17. That’s just another reason I love you.

18. You make me so happy.

19. Every time I see your face I still smile.

20. I love the way you love me.

21. You handled that really well.

22. I love being intimate with you.

23. I always feel safe when you hold me.

24. You are my hero

25. I was wrong when I said/did that.

26. I am so grateful to have met you.

27. I love seeing you smile.

28. Loving you is easy.

29. I forgive you.

30. I am here for you, no matter what.

Most of these sentiments are simple and might even seem a bit cliché but trust me they work. The reason they work is because they feed the inherent need most of us have to be noticed, valued, appreciated, respected and loved.

And when someone nurtures these feelings in us, we can’t help but feel more love in return.

So, perhaps it’s time for you to start choosing your words wisely, and letting some simple words do the work for you?

I can absolutely promise that response you get will be worth the effort.

Healthy, mutual, loving sex is initiated out of desire, a desire to connect, to touch and love, and to be touched and loved.

Desire can come on suddenly, or it can grow slowly and surely over the course of hours, days, weeks or months.

It may be that the desire is a small flickering pilot light, barely seen or felt, and with the right type and amount of touch it becomes a strong, bright flame, or it may be that immense flame is constantly burning.

Desire feels good. It’s exciting and sexy. It draws us towards our partner, and inspires us to freely and openly express passion, love, intimacy and connection.

But what if that desire seems to be absent?

What if you’ve had little or no desire for your partner, and can’t seem to muster it no matter how much you want to?

It can be a confusing and frustrating situation to be in. You know you love your partner, you know that you want to want them, but that desire just isn’t there.

You remember those early days when you couldn’t get enough of each, and now it seems to take teeth gritting and a total force of will to get you naked with your loved one.

It’s common to blame the other person when desire is low, to suggest that they don’t make enough effort, they don’t do things quite how you want them to, or to list all the ways they have turned you off with their behaviour in the past.

Perhaps though, you are turning yourself off?

Your lack of desire could be more your doing, than your partners.

Which isn’t to blame you, but instead to give you the good news.

Good news? Yes, because if you are killing your desire, it means that YOU can resuscitate it.

How Your Emotions Affect Desire

Health problems, and sexual dysfunctions aside, there are many other ways to kill desire. There are absolutely bound to be times when you’re genuinely tired, stressed or when the actions of your partner might contribute to a wane in desire, but negative thoughts and emotions are by far one of the best ways to turn your self off.

Anger, shame, guilt, resentment, inhibition and anxiety are just a handful of the powerful negative feelings that can put a dampener on desire, and interfere with your sex life.

When we hold onto these kinds of feelings, they corrode our desire with their poison. It is extremely difficult to be angry at someone and still want to be intimate with them. Likewise, if you are anxious, it can be an internal battle to try and relax into the mood of sex.

The feelings being held onto may be towards your partner, or towards yourself. Both ways are just as toxic.

The catch-22 with negative emotions is that we create them for reasons that feel right at the time. If we are cheated on, we feel justified in being angry and distant. If we are scared of being rejected, we feel safer being inhibited and self conscious. But on the tail of these seemingly relevant emotions is the flow on effects into our relationships, sex lives, and even into other parts of our lives.

Letting Your Desire Live Again

As long as you have unresolved hurt, disappointment, anger, anxiety, guilt or self-esteem issues, your sexual desire will suffer.

The only way to let it live again is to take the time to work through whatever negative thoughts and feelings are infecting you and your relationship.

Negative emotions that have come about due to issues in your relationship need to be addressed with your partner, and if need be, with the help of a professional so that you can move past them and allow yourself to rediscover the desire you felt for your partner.

Year of holding onto anger or resentment towards them won’t allow you to feel the desire you want to feel, it will only cause a deeper and wider gap between you and your partner.

Negative emotions that are personal to you, but are affecting your sexual relationship with your partner should still be discussed with your partner if possible, and again, if help is needed to overcome these, professional help should be sought.

If there are issues that you feel your partner is responsible for, consider how you might contribute to these negative situations, and what, if anything, you can do to help reduce or remove them from your relationship.

You don’t have to let your desire die away and leave you in a sexless partnership. We all deserve to have a sexually satisfying relationship, but even when things have gone cold, it doesn’t have to mean the end.

Look inside of yourself and be honest about whether your desire is being killed by thoughts or emotions that you could heal and release from your life.

You owe it to yourself, and it could make a big difference not only to your relationship, but to your life as a whole.

Important: If you believe your lack of sex drive may be related to a medical condition, or a mental health condition, please consult with a professional so you can get the support you need.

How did that gorgeous, sweet funny guy you fell in love with, get so annoying?

Why is it that instead of making your heart swell with love, your wife now makes you irritable and frustrated?

Where did it all go so wrong?

There isn’t often a day that goes past in my business, where I don’t spend time with clients who have all sorts of complaints and niggles about their partner.

The plethora of grievances my clients bring up vary, but many of them are probably common to you, He doesn’t help out around the house enough, she’s always late home, he never shows me any affection, her friends and hobbies are more important than I am.

These are some pretty generalized complaints. The details are always finer and can become as minute as fussing about what side of the bench someone puts their cup on or how loudly someone blows their nose.

Eventually it gets to the point where the talk about all the things being done wrong, far outweighs any real meaningful conversation or connection. Every single day is littered with constant complaints and arguments, rather than taking a couple closer towards their ultimate love.

The Small Stuff Is Never The Real Stuff

It’s so easy to get stuck in a constant cycle of focusing on the small stuff, escalating minor details into much bigger issues.

It’s destructive to any relationship, and ultimately a thinly veiled avoidance technique that allows you to hide from the real stuff going on underneath.

There are always going to be things that irritate you when you live in close quarters with someone else, when you combine two lives and (if it’s in your plans) create a family. But if you really stop and think about it, are any of those irritants worth losing the person you love over?

If it came down to it, would you ever leave your partner because they didn’t put their mug in the dishwasher after a drink, or because they never seem to notice the washing waiting to be folded?

Probably not, because we both know it’s not really those things that are damaging your relationship.

All of those little arguments are about something much more important. They are the outward expression of an inner emotion that you are trying to avoid sharing.

Things aren’t right, you can feel that, but acknowledging what’s really wrong might mean either hurting the person you love, or hurting yourself. If you face up to how you really feel, it could mean the end, it could mean admitting things have gone completely off course.

Or it could mean creating a path to healing, and a much happier and healthier relationship.

When you niggle over all the small stuff, instead of being open, honest and loving, your true feelings get lost in the noise.

Nagging, complaining and making everything your partner does wrong tend to result in you being tuned out, ignored and disregarded. There is absolutely nothing about this approach that encourages open, productive communication or a healthy relationship.

What’s Really Going On?

It’s time to dig in deep, to go inside your heart and look for some answers.� With every complaint, with all the nit-picking and fighting, what’s really going on?

• What do you really want from all these petty arguments?

• Do you feel like you need to control, belittle, deflect, defend, or are you trying to ask for something that you’re not getting?

• What’s the one thing you want your partner to know, to see, to understand about you?

• What feels too uncomfortable or too painful to admit about your relationship?

• What are you covering up with all the noise you are making?

• What’s the worse case scenario if you actually own up to how you REALLY feel?

• And can you deal with that?

The thing is, what might feel scary and impossible to overcome right now, probably really isn’t. With the right communication, commitment and willingness, most couples stuck in the small stuff cycle can come out of it, face their real issues and move forward with a lot more love and respect for each other.

You may need some help, and if you feel like you do, then perhaps I can be the person to support you and get you over that dark hill you’ve been stalled on. But once the real stuff is moved out of the way, all the small stuff blocking your way will fall away too.

Changing You Can Change Everything

A relationship fraught with bickering, bitching and moaning is not healthy. It might have become your norm, but it is certainly not something you have to, or should, keep putting up with.

Change is possible, it’s not always easy, but it’s always possible.

If you are ready to change YOU, then everything can change. I promise.

So, do you want to keep on with the fighting, or are you ready to start being honest with yourself, and your partner, about what the real issues are?

Remember, I’m here to help if you think you need a helping hand to get through the hard stuff. Just check out my couples coaching services and get in touch.

Don’t let this go on for any longer. Start reaching towards the incredible love you deserve right now.

The New Year is here. Have you set your New Years resolutions? Have you decided on all those things that you promise to do, to make 2013 an even better year than last year?

When we set our New Year resolutions, we tend to focus on all the things that we haven’t done enough of in past year or all the bad habits we want to break. We vow to exercise more, eat healthier, drink more water, and stop biting our nails.

But how often do you set New Year resolutions to have more and better love in your life?

You wouldn’t be alone if the answer was never, but it’s not too late to try it out.

Being completely honest, have you got the relationship you dream of? Are you giving and getting the kind of love that makes your heart swell? Do things just keep getting better and better with every year that goes by?

If not, the start of a new year is the perfect time to take stock of your relationship, and think about what you want it to be like going forward.

It’s all good setting positive intentions for your career or business, for your health and for your personal achievements, but you can also turn around your relationship so that it grows deeper and stronger with each year, rather than stagnating over time, simply by setting some New Year Love Resolutions.

How To Set Your Love Resolutions

You can either do this by yourself, or together with your partner.

If you feel like you want to (or need to) make your own changes first, before letting your partner in on what you’re doing, then do this exercise by yourself for now. If you and your partner are both aware of changes that need to be made, and are ready to make them, then use this exercise to share how you will take your relationship forward in 2013.

Either alone, or with your partner (one at a time), ask yourself the following questions:

• How do I want to be in my relationship?
• Who do I want to be in my relationship?
• What bad love habits or patterns do I want to break?
• What would bring me closer to the great love I want?

Once you have answered the questions above, you should be able to pick out what areas you want to improve on, and what areas need a total and dramatic shift to create the love you really want. From these discoveries you can make your list of Love Resolutions for 2013.

An example of a Love Resolution might come from answering How do I want to be in my relationship? with ‘respectful, kind, open, and generous’. If the reality is that you regularly find yourself cursing at your partner every time they annoy you then it’s probably a good idea to make a Love Resolution to take time to cool off and ban swearing from your arguments.

Or if you crave more loving touch and physical connection in your relationship, then you might make a Love Resolution to make the effort to give more affection without expectation.

Do Your Own Work First

You might wonder when you get to tell your partner what you want them to change.

Although I certainly advocate communicating relationship concerns, and discussing how each others behaviour affects the relationship, when it becomes a problem, this exercise is all about identifying what YOU want to do differently in 2013, and how YOU want to show up in your relationship going forward.

It is important to do your own work first, before focusing on trying to change others. Besides, you can’t change anyone but yourself and there’s no point setting Love Resolutions for your partner, if they have no desire to even try them out.

The powerful side effect of doing your own work first is that when you take ownership of YOUR role in the relationship, and when you better yourself and how YOU love, it’s almost impossible for your partner not to respond with a more loving and positive approach in return.

Change Can Be Difficult

Once you have identified your Love Resolutions, you can start working towards better love right away.

But don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip back into old patterns every now and then. Change can be difficult, but as long as you are able to reset and get back on track, you’ll create permanent change in no time.

So, have fun with creating New Year’s Love Resolutions and have the best love of your life, for 2013 and beyond.

Good communication skills are so important to the success of any relationship, and yet effective communication can be one of the hardest skills to master, especially if you’ve developed a pattern of using the same negative communication patterns over and over again.

The way a couple communicates is a pretty good indicator of whether their relationship will see the distance. If there is a constant or regular display of negative communication, chances are that over time, communication will probably break down entirely, along with the relationship.

But if you’ve found yourself in a cycle of poor communication with your partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your relationship is nigh.

You can begin to set things back on track by becoming aware of, and eliminating the 5 common, but fatal communication mistakes.

What’s Your Favourite Mistake?

There are 5 communication methods that are most fatal to a relationship of any kind, whether it’s with your partner, or your mother.

Regardless of whether you use any of these communication methods some of the time, or all of the time, by eliminating them you will vastly improve how you relate to, and are received by, your partner.

Criticism

Start any conversation with ‘How can you be so stupid?’ or ‘You always do that wrong!’� and you’re going no-where fast.

By criticizing your partner for something they have done (or not done) or for the person they are, you let them know that you don’t like certain things about them and they’re simply not good enough.

While your partner might have certain characteristics or behaviours that don’t thrill you, no one wants to hear that they don’t meet your grade, so when your partner hears criticism they are most likely to immediately shut down and become defensive.

Solution:

When you are inclined towards criticism, ask yourself two questions:

• What will I gain from criticising another person?
• How would I feel to be criticized?

Most often neither of these questions have a positive answer so change course and try coming at your complaint in a different way.

It’s absolutely fine to have complaints about something not being done or about behaviour that you don’t find suitable, but make sure you address it as a complaint about the action, not as criticism of your partner as a person.

Saying ‘I really needed you to remember to do that’� is a lot different than lashing out with ‘You are such a forgetful idiot!’.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a means of protection.

It rises most often when a person believes, rightly or wrongly, that they are being criticized, blamed or accused of something and they don’t want to be wrong. Some people automatically go on the defensive as soon as anything comes up that’s not purely positive.

A common response to this is to turn the conversation around to the other person, blaming them in turn or yelling and making a big deal about something other than the perceived accusation.

Solution:

It can take some practice to combat this reaction but the best way is to adopt the belief that no matter what is said to you, you are not under direct attack, and can choose to calmly receive and discuss any issues that arise.

This means that whether you’ve done something wrong or not, you take the high ground and allow yourself to hear what is said to you, then decide on a positive and mature way to respond.

You can certainly defend your position, but do it from a place of explanation, not deflection.

Sulking

Sulking is a way of stonewalling yourself from someone and it tends to happen when a person in a conversation feels overwhelmed, confused or frustrated and doesn’t know how to advance.

Although sulking appears to be an attempt to terminate a conversation, it is often actually a silent plea for the other person to come towards you, to make things better and show they love you.

Instead, your partner sees it as being rude and childlike, and once the sulking starts, any attempt at positive communication is often futile until the sulker decides it is safe to join the conversation again.

Solution:

Rather than shutting down, try pausing to clear your thoughts and then calmly ask for what you want, or explain how you are feeling in clear, direct language.

Sulking will only create distance, where you want connection. It creates a barrier to resolution and you have a much better chance of receiving what you want by remaining engaged and asserting yourself.

Sarcasm or Mockery

Sarcasm and mockery are covert ways of voicing disgust or contempt towards your partner.

When you use snide remarks, or ridicule something they have done or said, you are expressing a distaste that is felt by your partner, even if they can’t identify what it is.

This mistake might seem harmless compared to the others, but it is actually the most toxic as these feelings are allowed to grow and be indirectly shared, rather than being directly addressed.

Solution:

Try and keep your language clean. I’m not talking about using curse words (although you should try and avoid those too), I’m talking about using language that avoids being sarcastic, snarky, mocking or ridiculing.

If there are aspects of your partner that you do feel particularly unhappy about, discuss them in a way that is direct, loving and respectful rather than using poorly executed humour to highlight them

Interruption

When you interrupt, you tell the person who’s speaking that you’re not listening, and what they are saying isn’t as important as what you have to say.

You also close yourself off from hearing what is being said because you can’t prepare to speak, and listen at the same time.

Interruption is also incredibly frustrating for someone trying to be heard and if it keeps happening, eventually your partner will simply stop speaking knowing they’ll just be interrupted.

Solution:

As hard as it might be to hear certain things without responding, refrain from interrupting your partner.

Patiently wait for them to finish their sentence and then allow a few extra seconds pause so that they have a chance to continue if they need to, without you interrupting.

Allowing this space has a way of keeping conversations more concise as the person talking doesn’t feel like they have to work so hard to be heard, repeating themselves, getting louder and saying things to get your attention.

Clean Up Your Communication

Of course there are many other negative communication methods that are often deployed in arguments such as yelling, swearing, blaming, accusing, lying, and body language like eye rolling or raising eyebrows, and you should do your best to eliminate as many of these as possible as well.

This might not be the easiest change you have made. Using only positive communication takes practice and the willingness to be a little bit vulnerable so you can properly communicate your true thoughts and feelings to someone you love.

By learning to communicate more effectively, you will actually feel more heard and understood in your relationships.

Even with practice, there might still be times when you find yourself in one of those old familiar communication patterns, but don’t worry. The odd immature argument every now and then won’t do too much damage as long as you remember to return to conscious communication and conduct yourself with love, respect and maturity next time.

Are you ready to let go of some old habits, some old tricks? Which of the 5 fatal communication methods will you be removing from your next conversation?

Want to get really connected with your partner?

Want to feel like you are fully in tune with exactly who your partner is?

It’s a great feeling when you feel deeply and intimately connected to someone, when you feel like you can hear their heart sing, and see their light.

These feelings build the kind of love that people dream about.

But you don’t have to dream anymore. You can have it as soon as you are ready.

And it’s not difficult. But it does take effort.

I’ve said it before, anything worth having takes effort.

Including love.

Never Assume

Assumption, ignorance and disinterest are excellent ways to terminate a relationship.

Assuming you know everything about your partner, including how they think and feel, or being completely ignorant and uninterested in their inner workings, totally disconnects you from the person you are trying to love.

As humans, we thrive on connection. We soar highest with someone who truly knows us and cares, and is linked to our soul by intimate knowledge and understanding.

We are programmed to connect with others, but sometimes it seems like good connections are hard to find.

Some people never find one, despite searching for years.

That’s because the secret is to create it, not go looking for it.

Get Curious

Curiosity is the key to connection.

It is the key to unlocking the innermost world of the people you love so that you can learn what makes them tick, what keeps them awake at night and what makes them feel alive.

The curiosity key opens up the inner sanctums of someone’s heart and soul so you can discover all the parts that come together to make the special and truly unique person you love.

Connection makes it so much easier to love someone.

When you know their inner world, you know what it takes for them to feel loved, what makes them feel valued and appreciated and what breaks them apart.

It makes it easier to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and better know how they will feel about, or respond to a situation or a conversation, good or bad.

Getting to know your partner intimately requires action though, you can’t just presume to know how they feel, what they want, or what they are thinking.

You need to have the conversations.

You need to make time to regularly talk and listen so that you can gain the inside knowledge.

This isn’t about being intrusive, nosey or controlling, it’s about taking notice, paying attention, being interested and connecting.

Getting to know your partner intimately doesn’t have to be a stuffy, interview like thing either (though if there are particular questions you’d like to know the answers to, you could make a specific time to sit down and discuss them.). Throughout your day to day with your partner, there is constantly information ripe for the picking. Information that will give you insight and understanding about the person you are spending your life with.

It might not seem that it’s there but you have to learn to tune in more closely so you can really hear and see all the juicy tid-bits.

Here’s just a few ways to use curiosity to connect:

• When your partner speaks, even if it’s something you’ve heard before or isn’t particularly interesting to you, make a point of really listening anyway. Don’t block them out or turn away and carry on doing something else. It’s not only rude but you’ll miss out on the nuggets that can make your relationship much richer.
• Notice the things that get your partner excited, or worked up. If they are passionate about a subject or a social issue, talk to them about it. Ask them why it’s important to them and how they would solve it. Or, if your partner gets giddy about a certain musician or author, probe them about what it is they like about that person and their art. Discover what moves them and inspires them.
• Watch your partner more closely. Pay attention to their facial expressions and their body language and then find a loving way to ask them about their reaction. These moments often go unnoticed unless they’re extreme but if you’re paying attention, there’s wonderful insight to be had from the smallest of gestures.
• Step out of yourself when your partner is having a reaction and become curious about what feelings and thoughts might be really pushing their buttons. Try to understand why they are responding in a particular way, rather than joining their mood. It’s important to avoid being patronizing here, but ultimately, we all want to be heard and if you are willing to step up and listen, you can learn a lot.

Staying Curious

There is always more to know about your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together, or how much you think you already know.

Your partner’s inner world will always keep changing and adjusting.

Thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs change over time with age, maturity, changes in circumstances, important events and with new awareness or knowledge, which means that you will need to keep talking and keep exploring their inner world at this point and the next.

So, I set you the challenge of getting curious and connecting with your loved one more deeply. Ask questions, pay attention, listen and learn and I would love you to let me know in the comments below how this challenge works out for you.

At the best of times, a relationship is a source of love, companionship, and support.

In hard times it can feel strained, frustrating and totally out of love.

A healthy relationship is one that has more of the good stuff, than the bad stuff. That’s what we all strive for, right?

But it can actually be all the stuff in the middle, the general chaos of life, which can really make or break the love you have.

Even if as a couple you get along well and hardly ever have relationship problems, there will always be events or circumstances that you have no control over, which can really put the pressure on what is otherwise a great relationship.

And it’s important to pay attention to those pressures, to take notice of how they are impacting each of you individually, and as a couple, so that they don’t trip you up later.

Don’t Blindly Trust The Status Quo

It’s easy to assume that if you and your partner are getting along, that if there’s no fighting or days of silence, that everything is absolutely fine and dandy.

And most of the time you’re probably right.

But you also need to be mindful of how normal and expected pressures of a busy life can affect your relationship and the people in it.

Anything remotely interesting that you experience as an individual, and as a couple, has the power to change you and your relationship.

Whether it’s changing jobs, having children, losing a loved one, moving houses, or getting a dream promotion, events both negative and positive have the potential to alter the outlook, moods, feelings, priorities and reactions of one or both partners, and can fundamentally shift the dynamics of a relationship.

You need to regularly stop and take stock as you go through life’s changes so that you don’t lose sight of the what’s important and take for granted that everything is ok, when it may not be.

Check The GPS To Avoid Getting Lost

My husband and I are about to do exactly that. We’re taking a weeks holiday in one of our favourite cities to spend time reconnecting, so that after all the paths we’ve been down and all the unexpected turns we’ve taken, we don’t get lost.

We have been through a number of life changing events in the last few years, including 3 major earthquakes (and many thousands of aftershocks), my husband’s 19 year old son suddenly coming into his life for the 1st time, my husband changing jobs, me quitting my executive job to become a full time coach, a struggle with infertility and the loss of the 2 babies we managed to conceive.

I don’t say this to garner sympathy or pretend to be a hero, I only write this to show how much one couple can go through in a short time.

We could assume that after all that, as long as we’re not falling apart at the seams, that everything is fine. But we would be ignoring the obvious and very real pressures that our relationship has been under.

Just as a ship on a calm sea can still be directed by the pressure of a gentle wind, so too can we find ourselves off course when we thought it was all smooth sailing. We have to regularly check in and make sure we are still on course, that with all the changes in conditions we haven’t ended up somewhere entirely different than where we thought we were headed.

Time Is The Solution

Life happens and even the best lives come up against hard times.

It’s not the hard times that will break you it’s how you respond to them.

And once you are in a relationship, you need to consider not only your response, but that of your partner as well.

Without over analyzing all the gory details (unless you want to) you have to take time to talk about all the good and the bad, the important and the seemingly less important.

And while some of these conversations might be difficult, and others a lot easier and more enjoyable, not having them is ignoring the real stuff a life and relationship is built around.

It is these conversations that bring you closer, that bond you together more fully.

If you’re not having these conversations, you’re only half way in the game and missing an opportunity to deepen and strengthen your relationship.

So, what’s gone on in your life lately? Have you considered how it might have made a difference in your relationship, to you, to the person you love?

Have you noticed any signs of how being busy, stressed, overwhelmed, in life is altering the dynamics in your relationship?

You can choose to leave it, hope it goes away or works itself out, or you can choose to make an effort to respond to it by taking time to stop and reconnect with the one you love.