50 Shades Of Grey is guilty of it. Mills and Boon is guilty. Every romance movie you’ve ever watched is guilty of doing it.
Guilty of doing what?
Guilty of helping you to nurture unrealistic ideals and expectations about what love and sex in the average relationship is really all about.
We all know how it goes in Hollywood, in a scripted novel. A gorgeous couple randomly and passionately fall into bed, with just a few glances, all the right words and without a single thought of whatever else is going on the world.
In the grips of passion they mold their perfect bodies perfectly together for the most amazing, mind blowing, orgasmic sex two people could ever hope for.
Every hair is in place, nothing flops or jiggles about, every kiss and caress is delivered with pleasure and received with absolute desire. Every breath and movement is totally in sync.
Which is exactly how it should go in real life as well, right?
If only that were true.
So often, when working with a couple in a sex-less relationship, a regular complaint of (particularly) the female partner, is that she wants sex to be spontaneous and passionately overwhelming at random moments instead of it being a routine and predictable thing.
The same sex, at roughly the same time, on the same day feels mundane and contrary to the way she expected sex should be. She doesn’t want to plan, plot or prepare for sex, she wants it to happen when the mood takes her, when she is totally swept off her feet with unbridled lust.
Which sounds wonderful in theory, but the reality is usually a little different.
When a relationship moves out of those early days of new love into a longer term, stable union, when the house is bought, careers are being chased and the children turn up, your partner usually moves swiftly down the ‘to-do’ list.
Instead of sex with them being what you race home from work for, you find yourself busy with everything else that it takes to keep a family, a home and life going. You’d like more sex, you’d like to have more intimate times with your partner, but only when you’re not doing everything else, when you don’t feel exhausted and when you have a decent amount of uninterrupted alone time.
Make Sex A Priority
Anything that is important to you, anything that brings delicious rewards, is worth making time and an effort for. And if you want your relationship to remain healthy, loving and fulfilling, it’s critical to keep investing in mental, emotional, and physical intimacy.
The problem is, that while you are trying to avoid becoming stale and boring, while you are waiting for those spontaneous sexy moments, you are missing out on the opportunities to purposefully create more intimacy with your partner.
Remember those days when you first met your partner, when you were supposedly having all that spontaneous sex?
It might have seemed like you were constantly leaping on each other at random moments but the truth is that you would most likely have spent at least a few hours, if not days, planning for when you would see each other next. You would have been thinking about where you would meet, when you would next have the opportunity to have sex, what you would wear, whether you needed to get a wax or shave your legs and what special underwear you should have on.
Not exactly a completely spontaneous, no planning involved rendezvous was it? You thought about it, you anticipated it and you prioritised it.
The fact is, that if you want more sex, you have to make it a priority again.
There are a whole list of other things you make a priority of in your life, and for many of those you undertake some kind of planning or scheduling to make them happen.
Holiday, parties, Christmas and birthday celebrations, days out with friends and family. All purposefully arranged and prioritized and if you didn’t make an effort to schedule these things in, life takes over, time whizzes by and soon it’s weeks or months since you last had any of those good times with the people you care about.
Including your partner.
Making time to get intimate with your partner needs to be just as important as booking in that day at the winery with your girlfriends, or that weekly coffee date with your sister.
Instead of waiting for a divine moment of intimacy, which might not come nearly as often as you’d like, start making it a priority to make them happen and create a loving, fulfilling and regular sex life, rather than one that is left to dwindle down to a once in a blue moon event.
It’s not that you have to plan the exact day and time, when you’ll meet under the sheets, but set up a date day/night at least once every few weeks and then make an effort to lead into that date with some anticipation, some teasing and some real genuine intention towards connecting, and getting naked and hot together.
Getting In The Mood
Now I have no doubt you have another objection against my advice. What if you don’t feel like having sex, when that day you planned for hot loving comes around?
It’s bound to happen and when you look at that pile of dishes, and that load of washing that needs doing, you’ll have every excuse not to follow through, but if you want to keep improving your sex life, you have to look away, you have to forget about everything else for a while and get yourself alone with your partner.
And just in case you need a bit more help than the “just do it” motto, check out my Tune Into Your Turn On article to get things kick started.
But wait, it’s not all calendars and schedules from now on.
Planning for sex doesn’t mean that there can’t still be that wonderful spontaneous sex as well.
It will happen and when it does, it’s fantastic!
Enjoy them, have fun with them and look forward to more of them but don’t cut yourself off from opportunities to have a lot more great sex by waiting only for those moments. Be willing to purposefully create an even more fabulous, loving, intimate and sustainable sex life with a simple bit of sexy scheduling.
What do you think about scheduling in sex? I’d love you to leave your thoughts below.