“We’re not completely unhappy” and other half baked statements about your relationship

Relationship Coaching

Are you settling?

Have you given yourself over to having a sub standard kind of love?

Do you think you should just be more grateful for what you have and not expect more?

Then I am here to tell you you’ve got it wrong.

Being ‘not completely unhappy’ is as good saying you are unhappy most of the time.

When did that become acceptable?

There seems to be a thinking among far too many of us that being ridiculously happy in love is a luxury we are greedy and indulgent for wanting.

And yet we’re waxing lyrical to each other, our friends and family, that we ‘must be happy’, that ‘life is too short’.

Are you living it?

Being wonderfully happy in love doesn’t mean that it’s not sometimes hard or frustrating. Life happens, stuff happens, personalities happen.

But you can still have those always-in-love feelings despite all that.

My husband won’t mind me telling you that he has some crazy ways that can be difficult to live with. And when I say crazy, I’m not kidding. He is Bi Polar with obsessive tendencies and while he has a great medication program that generally keeps him balanced, he has moments that just about drive me to want to take his meds too!

And I’m sure there are times when I make my husband feel like he needs to double his dose as well ; )

But I am so ridiculously head-over-heels-madly-in-love-crazy-happy with this man.

Every day.

If you aren’t feeling that way about your relationship, it’s time to stop accepting ‘half baked’ and take a good look at why.

Maybe you think that keeping the peace is noble of you, or you are blatantly refusing to look at your reality for fear of the pain it might cause? Either way just coasting along, unhappy and unfulfilled in your relationship isn’t doing anybody any favors.

One day you will want more.

One day you will wake up and realize that ‘doing ok’ isn’t enough.

You have the power right now, right here, to change everything.

This isn’t about what your partner is doing, or what you think you need them to do to make things better. It’s all about you.

What are YOU doing to make your relationship amazing? How are you contributing to taking your love out of the middle ground, into the peaks of incredible love?

Ask yourself the following questions and consider what it might take to get more of that delicious kind of love you want.

How much time do you give your partner?

And when I say time, I’m talking time with full attention. Time when it’s just you and your partner, looking each other in the eyes, talking, listening, hearing, sharing, all that good stuff, without the distraction of children, dogs, cats, friends, the TV, internet, knitting, newspapers phones etc. Living in a house with someone, isn’t the same as loving someone.

How much effort do you put into giving the kind of love you want?

When did you last do something for your partner, purely because you knew they would love it? Or have you moved into give to receive mode? Remember all those little things you used to do when you first met, just to say you cared. All of those options are still available to you. Maybe you’ve just got lazy about using them?

Are you more worried about keeping score than loving?

Do you always notice the things your partner has done wrong, and then remind them about them every chance you get? Do you feel as though everything is being done to YOU? Are YOU the one who always gets hurt? Perhaps your partner has as many ticks in their score box against you? If the most important thing in your relationship is keeping score you are missing out on what’s really important.

Is this the person you truly, really love?

I’m not asking if you are happy. I am asking if this is the person that you absolutely, know for sure, is the person for you. The love of your life, your soul mate, your only one. Because if you have any doubts about that then you need to get honest with yourself before expecting your relationship to get happy. If you are only a little in love, or not at all, you will always let that be known in ways you might not even be aware of.

Are you being honest about your part in this?

If you can’t have a true, honest and loving conversation with yourself about what you want and what you need to do differently to get it, how can you expect honesty and loving in your relationship? As long as you are both playing a part, rather than really showing up, nothing will change and you will always have a mediocre relationship.

Do you believe this kind of love is all that you deserve?

Maybe you saw other relationships that were also in neutral when you were growing up? Maybe you were taught not to expect much more? Maybe you just simply don’t believe that you are worth having a better kind of love? You are. I promise. Incredible love is possible for all of us, if we are willing to reach out and grab it. But it takes work and it takes commitment. You’re ready for that, right?

Are you playing small, staying safe, afraid of being hurt?

Being in love can at times make us incredibly vulnerable. When we open out hearts, there is always the risk of getting hurt. But if you don’t open your heart, it is almost guaranteed that you will be hurt. To love fully, you must be vulnerable. To move out of just going through the motions, into deep, intimate and rich love, you need to give much more of yourself than you might have in the past.

There are so many reasons, more than I can list here, that you might be loving only part way but you can absolutely turn things around.

The best kind of love is waiting for you. And I know you want it.

So don’t keep waiting for something to change, don’t keep hoping the spark will be ignited. Light it yourself. Switch things up. Turn up. Show up.

And discover what’s possible.

Of course, if you need help, I am but a phone call (or Skype session) away. But I believe you already have all you need to make a difference.

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