Why Worrying About Your Partner Cheating Is Pointless


cheating spouseAsk any couple what the deal breaker is in their relationship, and a vast majority will tell you that a cheating spouse is right at the top of the list.

It’s easy to conceive why a cheating spouse can spell out the bitter end of what might otherwise have been a forever thing. It’s not just the physical betrayal, but also the loss of trust and the emotional infidelity, particularly for women.

A partner being unfaithful can also trigger intense levels of depression, low self esteem, low self worth and feelings of abandonment for the person who was cheated on. No one wants to feel as though their partner simply found someone better than they are, that they weren’t good enough to love forever.

All of this adds up to make complete sense of the fear that many people feel towards the possibility of infidelity in their relationship.

But when it comes down to it, the fear of being cheated on is a personal insecurity that only you can change.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been cheated on before, I know it’s hard to trust again. Believe me, I’ve been there. But there comes a point when you have to stop punishing yourself and say ‘What they did was about them, not about me’.

They chose to cheat because of the kind of person they are, because of the circumstances they allowed themselves to become involved in, not because you weren’t good enough.

Yet, it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been betrayed and your relationship has been fractured, and you express the fear that remains with the following kinds of actions or behaviour:

  • Insecurity about personal looks and attributes
  • Checking in on where the other person is going, or has been
  • Snooping on phones, emails or internet accounts
  • Outbursts or silent treatment if the other person talks to anyone perceived as a threat
  • A general lack of trust about the things the other person says or does
  • Arguments that arise out of the insecurity, rather than a genuine issue
  • Constantly telling the other person that you know they will leave you for someone else
  • Not wanting to go out, or socialize for fear of someone attracting your partner
  • Seeking constant reassurance
  • Searching through your partners personal items or vehicle for evidence
  • Believing even friends and family are likely affair prospects

All of these responses are understandable, but they are also complete energy and time wasters.

Obsessing about your partner cheating won’t stop it from happening.

No matter how much time you spend controlling and trying to prevent your partner straying, if the person you are in love with, is the kind of person to be disloyal, then all of the energy you put into worrying about whether they will cheat won’t stop it from happening.

You can’t control what another person does. You can only control how you think, feel and behave.

Let Go Of The Fear

It really is your choice to let go of the fear, and actively decide that you will no longer waste your energy trying to prevent, predict or control the actions of your partner, so you can feel more positive and calm in your relationship.

The first thing to do is to stop seeking constant reassurance.

Receiving reassurance can become an addiction. It feels good to have someone tell us how much they love us and would never hurt us, and it’s possible to get caught up in a cycle of creating conflict, just so you can get that hit of reassurance you’ve become hooked on.

But just like a drug, the power of that hit wears off pretty quickly when you keep taking it and soon, it’s never enough. It’s also exhausting for a partner to keep trying to convince you of their love and many will just stop if they feel like you don’t hear them anyway.

Step into your own power and nurture the belief that you are valuable, loveable and important to your partner. Provide your own reassurance when you start to feel doubtful with affirmations like ‘I am all that I need to be’, or ‘I am loved, valued and important’. Choose whatever feels good to say to your self and use it in times of fear.

Being confident and self assured is much more appealing and a kind of sexy that’s hard to stray from rather than being needy and lacking self value.

The next step is to stop worrying about those that you perceive as being more enticing to your partner than you are.

There will always be someone out there that could be considered more attractive, more interesting, funnier, richer, or smarter. It’s not about trying to measure up so that your partner will want only you, it’s about believing that you are loveable and trusting that your partner picked you for exactly who and what you are. Because they find you funny and interesting and gorgeous.

Stop missing out on enjoying time with your partner, by worrying about something that hasn’t happened, with people that aren’t part of your relationship.

Finally, stop focusing on that which you DON’T want to happen, and spend more time creating what you DO want

The universe doesn’t understand that what you are thinking about all the time is something undesirable. It takes any thought you create as a request and conspires to manifest those requests.

So, if you constantly focus on the negative thoughts around your relationship, chances are you will keep inadvertently creating negative situations between you and your partner.

Changing your thoughts, and letting go of the fear, makes rooms for more thoughts about what you really want to create in your relationship. It’s a much better way to use your energy and if you focus on how to give more love, how to strengthen your bond and create more intimacy, you’ll find you easily manifest the good loving you really desire.

Not Being Entirely Naive

All of this is not to say that you should be ignorant of any intuition or signs of infidelity.

If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns.

Having an honest, adult, and somewhat vulnerable conversation with your partner about what you’re worried about can be the difference between realizing you had the wrong end of stick and getting on with loving each other, or letting your mind run away with the worst case scenario and having that fear ruin your relationship.

Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love.

I’d love for you to share your insights or comments below. Have you been cheated on before? How did you handle it? And do you still carry that fear with you? What will YOU do to let it go today?

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About rachaellay


  1. Tina

    January 14, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Love this article and focusing on what you DO want instead of the opposite xxx

    • rachaellay

      January 18, 2013 at 5:10 pm

      As my gran used to say, “Don’t borrow trouble”. Our energy is much better placed in the positive, as you know lovely. Thanks for dropping by : ) xoxo

    • anna

      July 8, 2014 at 5:49 am

      I totally agree with you that this is a great article. I read it at a point when I was sure that I’m spiraling into doubts about my partner. This article really helped put things in perspective. I’m going to bookmark it for when distress strikes!

    • Mothers son

      September 25, 2014 at 10:47 am

      This is a great article. My situation is that I have narrowed down my lack of trust in my present partner to a few things. First, my father was a cheater and I believe that as a child growing up in this environment…I absorbed much of what was going on..my mother’s suffering. Second, at 7years old my same father sat me down and told me that “no one can be trusted in life and everyone will let me down”. What a thing to tell a child?? Third, I carried these seeds and watered them until they became trees in all of my future relationships. I was always suspicious of everyone I was with…and ruined a few relationships because of my insecurities. I can admit that I looked at people of the opposite sex..wondered about them…and this along with my roots created situations where I believed every woman was a cheater…except my mother of course. Currently, my wife has is in boot camp…and this is really challenging for me. She has lied in the past relating to “looking at a man”..or “smiling at a man”…”or one time she lied about going to lunch with a guy who she wanted as a client ..(at the time she owned a painting company). The one thing I asked her never to do, was to lie to me. These lies along with my past, along with the fact that she cheated on her first husband…(she was upfront about it and explained why)….is making my life while she is in basic training around 70 men a living hell. I feel like just doing my best to forget about her while she’s gone so that I can function, but not sure if that’s the best solution. If I think of her, I worry and stress about things beyond my control. She continues to reassure me that she’s not interested in any other men…but it never feels like enough…just as you mentioned in this article. Any thoughts would be wonderful! This article directly hit a few areas I’m struggling with, so thank you so much for writing it.

    • john

      December 5, 2014 at 7:52 am

      I have been cheated on in 5 relationships wether physically ,or on date sites or face book. I am currently in a relationship with a woman I truelly love and adore . but must say my fears are ruining it. This artical gave me some tips I’m gonna try them . I’m just really scared as I wasn’t good enough for them so think I’m not for her,I am always asking for reassurance. I have horrible anxiety I am willing to try these tips out thanks good artical

      • Ffire

        March 9, 2015 at 9:11 am

        John ur not alone, my ex of 9years cheated on me with a Thai bird online, even though I kno it’s was all him I can’t help but panic if my bf now has a bad day n is a bit distant I implicitly trust the bf I’m with now as I’ve known him from college and I’m very grateful that he accepts me for me, but I still have things to work through as my ex was emotionally abusive and at some points hands on.
        But I think the thing I’m most worried about is pushing him away with my stupid insecurity that I never had, I’m a different person to who I was in college more vunerable less open emotionally and this I need to work on, thinking that I’ve pissed him off, or I’ve not cooked a nice meal and the rush of panic that I’ve said something wrong but unable to ask for fear of being shouted at etc even tho I know he’ll say aww Hun n give me a hug.

        I hope those who cheat will get to understand how destroying it can be more so than just being truthful and saying I’ve fallen out of love with u.
        For the rest of us we need to realise who we want to be, change our friends if need be and grow to understand that if your never learning your never going forward with your life your standing still just watching life go by.

    • john

      December 5, 2014 at 7:59 am

      I am struggling with all that with my wife. I constantly fear her cheating . I’m totally about being reassured.but doesn’t work I hope this artical. Does cause I’m losing her due to my anxiety over it.

    • tisha

      April 6, 2015 at 6:32 am

      I really like this article, especially the very end section. My fiance and I have been like peanut butter and jelly for six years; we’ve just really enjoyed each others company. Last week when I got home from work he told me he was taking a rather sudden vacation alone (something we always do together) and that he was taking another woman who needs a ride part-way to his destination, there and back. I then discovered he is seeking a fling on one of those cheater-type sights. I have gently shared my feelings about the vacation and how hurt I am, and that I’m not comfortable with the addition of another woman. I have not addressed the online search, however. I have no proof that anything has happened but I am crushed. My head and intuition are saying go but my heart keeps saying hang on and see what happens, the vacation is next week. I’ve been rather unhinged for the last week and don’t know what to do. I don’t consider myself a naive or dumb person but this is new for me and I’m scared.

      • Heather

        April 23, 2015 at 8:42 am

        You need to call him on all of it. If he is in the “Fog” of the affair he will make YOU look crazy he will project it all back on you. I’ve seen it too many times. I believe your gut is right and I’m sorry.

      • Rebekah

        May 6, 2015 at 5:58 am

        Tisha.. what happened. Was it as u feared or was everything ok?

    • Betty

      April 10, 2015 at 5:01 pm

      June 2014, my annus horribilis, I discovered my husband of 20 years was cheating on me with an old friend. They had discovered each other on Facebook, got together and started a relationship. When I found out, he blamed me for pushing him away. The same man who once told me he loved me more than anything and anyone, told me he believed there was nothing left in the relationship, that while we argued over business and kids and work, she made him happy, and that he didn’t love me anymore and only duty and our two kids were keeping us together. I broke down and cried and he then said he will break it off as he did not know I loved him. He did and we spent a painstakingly month building it up in between my bouts of anger of betrayal, depression, clingy behaviour and nervous reactions. I was difficult with my mood swings but at the same time I tried desperately to change myself to be the woman he wanted. I wanted to make him happy, to forget her, to have him back for me….so I read many websites on how to soldier on in spite of the pain, how to change my behaviour to be more carefree and happy, I talked less of work and of things that he wanted to talk about. We had sex as often as he wanted. And the sex was good. And for two months I believed we had rediscovered ourselves and were building up a solid relationship, but then I discovered he was still contacting her. Still telling her he loves her, while telling me I was everything in the world to him. I still forgave him, thought it was just time to get over her, and continued changing me. We went for therapy, but though I was making enormous leap and bounds to move from the chaotic, almost suicidal place I was to being a woman who was loving her man the best she could, inside I was a mess who was constantly looking over my shoulders, wondering is he is really ‘over her’, if she is contacting her without my knowledge, seeking reassurance everytime like a baby. I am generally a strong, confident, and beautiful woman who makes heads turn everytime I enter a room, but I have been reduced to a quivering mass of low self-esteem, fear, jealousy and nothingness. Everytime I think I am getting better, something comes up, I discover something, and my life spirals out of control. And he gets angry and impatient with me, and even yells at me, and threathens to walk away because I don’t give him peace of mind. I ask myself why I don;t have the courage to end it, and the answer is I have spent so much time and effort in this marriage to walk away, and I truly love him because he is otherwise good to me, kind and gentle. I am 46 , a bit too late to start life all over again, and I have two beautiful kids whose lives I don;t want to upset. I wonder if this nightmare will ever end, and I will ever be whole again.

      • Catty

        April 29, 2015 at 10:20 am

        Betty I’m going through a similar thing, I’m 28 and have been with my guy 5years. Our baby is 11months old and the last 6 months hes said ‘i don’t know if I love you or not’ we sleep in separate rooms and in these 6months he has been very secretive on his mobile, to the point where he changes his pin code regular. I would just prefer her said it’s over than waiting in this limbo. I’m on diazapam now and citapram…..so so down :(

      • constance

        April 29, 2015 at 3:30 pm

        My husband of 25 years cheated on me, I found out through txt message s. I have been a wreck every since. Also I went into his online phone actt and see a pattern of messages in and out messages I can’t help but think they have resulted to txt when I check his phone they are not there. What do I do its driving me crazy.

      • Melissa

        May 4, 2015 at 3:18 am

        My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

  2. Adrienne

    April 22, 2013 at 10:07 am

    This article is so important to me & hit so many significant points I’m just glad I read it because I totally feel like my unconscious mind could’ve written this if I wasn’t too busy being obsessed with rather my husband will cheat or not (military wife). Thank u so much for the advice Rachael Ray, I must do better!

  3. Mae

    July 4, 2013 at 5:01 am

    This is wonderful and exactly what I needed to read and think on. Thank you for outlining it so perfectly!

  4. Jeanette

    July 24, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I understand what you are trying to get at. My husband of 33 years had a secret infatuation with a college girl and emailed her daily and even in front of me at a party made plans to meet her for coffee. All because they were on a church committee together. She was interested in studying something he was interested in and he is 40 years older. Evidently she was impressed by how well he wrote and discussed things in the committee and he loved compliments. But he took them to heart and wrote her a secret gift letter accompanying our family’s graduation gift. She thought he had specially chosen the item and only thanked him in a letter signed “All MyLove” I thought it was weird but did not think of it again. And then found out months later that nightly emails pages long all about compliments and intellectual discussions and taking this teenage as a seriously emotionally mature adult (which he told her and praised her for) resulted in return compliments. I forced him to stop and since then he has lied about following her whereabouts on the Internet and says no contact but wants me to get over it so he can be friends again. But he blurted out to me last year that he loved her but he didn’t think she loved him back. Meanwhile our daughter is still friends with her on Facebook and that is where he occasionally got his info. Bottom line is he won’t Change churches, al this is a big secret from everyone and I don’t trust he is over this “one sided infatuation” as he likes to call it. The only way I could not worry about it is if he never touched me again so I don’t have to wonder if he is getting off on imagining her instead of me. It is awful. So I don’t know what to do. I am trapped as he said if I leave him that is my choice not his because he has “moved on” and just wants to be friends with her. Awful. Help

    • steph

      January 4, 2015 at 5:42 am

      Jeanette, that sounds awful. Men who become attracted to, and act on the attraction to, significantly younger women always make me feel uneasy. The main thing that they seem to get from it is a boost of their own ego, and no doubt they benefit from the naivety of women who haven’t learned that kind older men usually (sadly) hope for more than friendship. And being fairly young myself, I have the recent experience of men doing this who use their wives as an excuse. If they make a woman uncomfortable, then all of a sudden they are bringing up how they are married and any suggestive comments are all in our heads. It’s gross.

      Love this article btw. So true, I want to work on letting go of past hurts to enjoy the good things. :)

    • nicole lynn

      January 5, 2015 at 7:33 am

      I have been w my sons dad for ten yrs. We stopped living together but were still having sex and then i get call from my daughter he had pics of this girl i know and him hugging and together at a bar i go straight to her house he was there i walk in beat her up..she is the town slut and drunk and tried this with another ex…he left her alone started seeing his friends wife they had just seperated..he had never done this before.it devastated me i lost a hundred pounds in a month i slit my wrists i am 36 hes 33…i begged and pleaded with him to leave the last girl alone,cause he was crazy over her in just a few months.but he would come,see me and then lie to her and,say i was lying when id tell her..well we just moved back in together 3 months ago..and its been hell..he treats me bad he calls me names,cussea me he pays me,no attention..i caught him riding by the exs house a couple weeks ago..he said he was looking for me..bullshit…when he gets caught he gets mad and,says im crazy..i stay worried hes looking at those girls facebooks or wanting them..i cry everyday.im so sad and hurt on the inside…i just cant leave him i want to but i love him

    • Amethyst

      January 7, 2015 at 6:39 am

      You know, I was just talking to an older and married man about these issues (he’s the father of my boyfriend) and he just told me that sometimes sh*t happens. I thought to myself: What a broad and almost thoughtless answer, but I do see what he means. I agree but don’t agree at the same time. Yes sometimes we screw up- we can’t help the first glance. The second glance,however, is all up to us. Your husband has done WRONG by deliberately lying to you and betraying you even after being confronted and after knowing the damage he’s doing. Bottom line is, he’s being incredibly selfish and YOU DESERVE BETTER. Yes, sh*t happens. No, you don’t have to take it. I don’t know when you wrote this and what has happened between now and then but I’d love an email back. smoke.alh@gmail.com

    • David

      January 11, 2015 at 4:11 pm

      He doesn’t care about your feelings or he’d change church… At least. It’s not about infidelity, he isn’t looking after you the way you deserve. Stop wasting your thoughts on him and move on, be proud of yourself for respecting yourself enough to do this. This is a good example to your daughter also or one day she may accept the same pain. so I think you have a better life to look forward if you take his power away by respecting yourself, without him destroying yourself esteem. Sorry for your pain, now stop acting like a victim and see the reality. Your life is waiting for you.

    • brea

      January 29, 2015 at 4:29 pm

      Oh hun, this is such a sad story. Your husband really hasn’t treated you fairly… in a healthy partnership he would have immediately cut contact with any woman he was attracted to before it escalated so far, and it doesn’t sound like he has given you good reason to believe this won’t happen again or that the situation is truly over. I’m not saying he’s a bad person… but if you desire a monogamous and trusting relationship it sounds like you need to move on and find someone who wants that too.

    • Mike

      February 8, 2015 at 7:14 am

      I’m really sorry to hear that. I think it might be best if you left him. If he said he loves her, that’s a red flag. His loss

  5. Steve

    July 26, 2013 at 10:31 am

    I was in a 5-year committed relationship relationship when I was cheated on. Subsequent relationships have all revolved around the trust issues that resulted from the cheating. I finally resolved to not let old pain and bitterness infect new relationships, and met the lady that would eventually become my current wife. But resolving to do something, and actually DOING that thing, can be much easier said than done. I’m 4 years in to my marriage and I’m still struggling internally with the trust issues. I keep all of those thoughts to myself, but I’m going to have to sit down and talk to her about all of it. Clear the air, so to speak. She needs to know that I’m dealing with this in the very vest way I can for the both of us. And I need some occasional reassurance that she knows what I’m going through and that she is committed to the spirit and the words of our marriage commitment.

  6. becky

    September 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you so much for this article. Sometimes it is comforting for someone to remind you that your fears are simply manifestations of your anxiety and worry. I am in a relationship with a man I have been seeing for two years. We currently live together and he works out of town for weeks at a time. Even though he has remained faithful to me and I have no reason to believe otherwise I am still constantly wondering if he could and would cheat on me. Sometimes I am idiot and address these fears to him which only angers and frustrates him. I end up making myself look weak and insecure which is terribly unattractive. I shoild be enjoying the relationship and enjoying my life with him but sometimes its hard with my crazy thinking. I know what I need to do to change this thought process and I need to put it into action fast or I will lose him. I was hurt badly in a previous relationship that I ended when the cheating became a problem and its so unfair to my current partner that I have trust issues.

    • May

      December 12, 2014 at 4:37 am

      Has he done, said, anything that causes you to doubt his loyalty? Is he ‘just friends’ with exes (whom you probably never meet)? Do you get a niggling feeling that something just isnt right? Women need to trust their instincts. If you are uneasy then decide how you can alleviate your uneasiness. A loyal, compassionate partner with nothing to hide will want to reassure you that he is on the up and up. Do not ignore your gut feeling.Too many women are shocked when they discover infidelity. But in reality, all along their gut was telling them there was something wrong. Peace.

  7. Carla

    September 25, 2013 at 3:45 am

    This article reiterated what I’ve been telling myself lately…that I cannot control other’s actions, only how I react to them. I was cheated on years ago by a pathological liar who became violent when I protested his transgressions, which were too aberrant to even go into. That’s a book, not a paragraph. I feel I came away from that relationship with PTSD which has carried over to, and ultimately destroyed, every other relationship that I’ve had. Now I’m in the relationship that I’m supposed to be in, and am in fear of losing him to another woman, or to mental exhaution due to my constant need for reassurance. I agree that men are attracted to confidence more than looks, so I’m motivated to try and rectify my way of thinking and let go of my need to be in control. There is no maintaining control over one’s significant other in a relationship. Only that which you have over yourself. Great article, thank you!

  8. tie

    October 11, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    this article really is the truth. after being ran around on for almost 7 years, i finally left. whiles i was with this ‘guy’ i truly believed he’d never do what he was doing, even after proof. i was too caught up in him to accept reality. and part of that was my own low self esteem. getting the courage to leave was hard, but i did.. and i am finally with someone who treats me wonderful and we are engaged and having a baby, but sometimes i still worry he will do what my ex did. i need constant reassurance and i blame him when i dont know anything bc i expect to be lied to. getting over being cheated on never goes away, but i guess ya just gotta move on and try to believe you are valueable and somebody really does love you and not everybody you meet will hurt you. otherwise, you or anybody you are ever going to be with will never be happy. its stressful worrying about being cheated on, but its stressful being blamed for nothing also. thanks rachael!

    • ron

      November 5, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      I absolutely can relate to this . My life has been a mess this past 5 years. I cant stop the thought of all these things. Ive evened considered suicide. I pray that nobody endures what ive went through. Its horrible to always think your wife is cheating and lying all the time. I cant do it no more…..

  9. Bella

    October 18, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Great article! Question is when you’ve been cheated on numerous times how do you let go of the fear. I get that focusing on it or negative thoughts can create it but how in fact do you move on?

  10. JohnnaB.

    November 5, 2013 at 5:50 am

    I feel this article saved my life .. Thank you- going through a situation like this can really take a toll on a human being, it’s extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you hold it in and don’t talk to anyone about it. I believe this was so meant for me to stumble across today. Thank You..

  11. Nickie

    November 30, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    My ex boyfriend of 3.5 years left me for another woman and it hurt so much. I am currently in a new relationship with a great guy, but I am constantly letting my fear of losing someone again, ruin my relationship. It’s not fair on him and pretty much all of those actions that I project out of insecurity, I do. I’ve been searching and searching the internet for a good article about how to deal with my anxiety and worrying and nothing’s helped. But then I came across your article tonight and it has changed my perspective so much! It’s inbelievable. Everything that you said was so powerful and really relatable too. This is an awesome article and you are an awesome person for providing this kind of support for individuals like me who have had a rough time when it comes to relationships.

    • mimi

      March 14, 2015 at 6:59 am

      you should tell this to my gf because i think i will dump her today.
      I am tired and wont reassure her any more.

  12. Danielle

    December 12, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Hi I have been struggling with trust issues for a long time iam only 21 but iv been in two long term relationships, one which iam in now, and this issue has been basically draining me and had gotten to the point where it was sucking the joy out of my current relationship and draining my partner. I literally would get on edge over any little thing, imagine the worst case scenario, accuse him, have myself upset, stressed when he went out on his own once or twice and generally suspicious. Your article has really helped me. I wont be presuming it will happen any more il presume it wont. I find the only thing that gets that deep down fear away is to think so what if he did? Id get over it. Not because I dont love him but because I need to feel that I have that strength. Everyone tells me how hes not like that as in the cheating type and in the past he has never cheated on anyone he was cheated on by his ex though. I dont want him to be walking on egg shells though and I dont want him to feel controlled because thats what happened to him in the past with his ex and its just cruel. I have to believe in him.

  13. Jessica

    December 20, 2013 at 12:34 am

    Thank you for this post. It’s really opened my eyes. I’m really scared my partner may be losing interest because I keep asking for reassurance that he loves me and cares about me. I don’t know if I should be worried as he’s become very distant and doesn’t particularly want to come see me anymore. People I know are saying to leave him, but I just love him too much. I’ve tried talking to him about whether or not he’s cheating, but he says he isn’t and I make the effort to believe him, however I still feel like he’s lying. We’ve been through so much during the 5 years we’ve known each other, with breaking up many times and moving out of our place together because we needed space, that I’m just not sure he is truly in love with me anymore. I feel he’s more in love with what we were than what we are now. I don’t know how to feel or act anymore. I find myself getting more depressed everyday because of all this worrying. I just don’t know where to go from here.

  14. maria

    January 1, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    Hello my name is maria. Im 22 years old married to 26 year old man. I got married at 20 but met my husband at 19. Before him i never had a boyfriend that I actually cared about. I never loved any of them. I was actualy kinda horrible id use men for whatever. But with my husband it was so diffrent. But now its going on 6 years together. And ive been so insecure of myself and the list you have above that starts with insecuritys about personal look & attributes. I have every single problem you listed. Except I have never been hurt or cheated on before in any previous relationship. Im so scared because im ruining my marriage im so scared im pushing my husband away. I dont know where to turn to help. Please any advice will help. I wany nothing more than to strt this new year 2014 with a complete turn around. I want me and my husband to rebuild that happiness

  15. ally

    January 19, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    This article is great advice. But i dont feel strong enough to take it. I have a tough time trusting and i hate that i hate not trusting my husband i try to be cool about it and push my feelings aside but i end up, at one point or another, exploding with emotions and he doesnt understand what hit me!! Ughh why is it so difficult to be a woman.. being insecure of our bodies especially after having babies, worrying about what we look like our hair is it the right shade of blonde are my clothes sexy for him willl he see me when i get out of the shower .. what does he think when he sees me without clothes? Does he regret geting married so young? Does he look at other girls then think of them after when we r being intimate. The list goes on. I am honestly obssessed i dont know what to do anymore. I act strong so it doesnt make me look weak but i reach a breaking point and shit hits the fan. I need strength to follow this advice.

    • Dayana

      September 20, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      Your comment is exactly how I feel and what happens to me I know my husband won’t cheat on me deep down I know but then this random thoughts start coming to my mind and I over thig and wonder and next thing I know I overreact on a random issue that wasn’t even a big deal and he always ask me is is your Oma weak, ? because you should warn me. Lol he is a super sweet loving husband and father I wish these feelings could just get taken from me so I and you and all this woman can just live in peace but it’s a challenge for sure and trying to find the strength seems to be the test.

  16. Better Than This

    January 22, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Thank you for this article. I can relate to alot of the bullet points in it. I recognize and fight to keep from letting it take control of me, but it’s hard. It is a constant mental battle. I fluctuate from being angry at myself for it and not having more self esteem, to understanding what led to these feelings to begin with. It is all due to experiences from past relationships. I’ve previously been in an abusive relationship and also was unexpectedly blindsided by one of the people I could have swore would never hurt me in another relationship. I too, feel like I have some kind of PSTD from all of it.

    My husband hardly ever goes out, but the first instant that he mentions he is, I panic from that point on. Realistically, I don’t believe he would cheat or want to hurt me, yet he is guilty of doing minor things in the past prior to our marriage to cause distrust.

    I know that if someone was going to cheat, nothing you could do would stop them, but it’s a natural self defense mechanism.

    I will work on the confidence….even if it is fake and for appearances only. I’m actually laughing at the thought of what his reaction would be the next time he goes out with the fellas and I turn and say “okay….enjoy yourself!” That will have him wondering the rest of the night! lol

  17. Stuck

    January 22, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    Hey there, great article and it helped calm me down. My stomach has been going haywire and it’s hard to know if my boyfriend is cheating since he had an emotional affair before. I have random peaks of anxiety out of nowhere, and it is the same panic I had prior to revealing his infidelity, which he denied and showed no remorse. Later, he has, I have left several times, and it seems that this article helped with the anxiety, but if my body is telling me to run….should I listen or try to become self-assured? He is generally flirty and doesn’t realize it, but it scares me and my body feels beat down…not sure what to do. Thanks for all the insight into the law of attraction though. Positive thoughts and self-control forward into the future <3

  18. josh

    January 23, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Mid twenties male here. Ive been with my current girlfriend for about 5 months and she is the first woman i have been really happy to be with in a very long time. I have been experiencing severe anxiety as of late over losing her, largely due to how past relationships have ended. I think i found this articale at the best time. It has so many excellent points and i will likely be reading this again several times over as the need arrises. Thank you so much


    January 25, 2014 at 9:23 am


  20. N.H

    January 27, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Thank you for this.

  21. Anya

    January 28, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    It could be the hormones speaking, considering I am 6 months pregnant, but no matter how hard I try to stay positive, focused and attempt to stop obsessing over what he is doing it’s so difficult. He is a firefighter and is gone 4 days a week, I’m always so worried who he is talking to and if he is talking to her again….. I never thought marriage would be this way.

  22. Mel

    January 30, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Your advice couldn’t have come at a better time. I am currently in this predicament and it is ruining my marriage, not too mention that i am looking like an insecure wife, as my husband has put it. Not a day goes by where i dont think about the possibility of him cheating on me but also the pretty young thing that is under suspicion, and it is ruining my life. I now need to start focusing on me as life is just far tooshort to be otherwise concerned on something tat may not even be happenning. Some of the signs are there but not all of them. I too was lookinmg for reassurance but after reading this i have realised that i actually dont need any, its time to start being the confiden woman that i use to be and see what the future brings. Thank you for making me realise that there is more to life and more to me, than worrying about his actions over my own :)

  23. quizz

    February 4, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I am happy I read your article to control our security.I am married to a guy and i am older than him.first he told me a wrong age even the marriage certificate has the wrong age.I am so jealous of him becauss the lies he told me from the beginning of the relationship.i tried to convince myself that he doesnt deserve my insecurity.he should be the one feeling that way because i am an independent lady and my salary is morw attractive than his.i recognize what i’m doing is wrong and unhealthy and i tried desperately to ignore him and be happy.Thanks again for your sincere encouragement and i hope i can be steonger after i writ e my experienced.

  24. Kim Lawrence

    February 8, 2014 at 8:47 am

    This hit home for me as well. I am learning that in order to keep the greatest guy I’ve ever known I am to quit pushing him away. Lately I’ve felt extremely close with him but ONLY AFTER him being honest enough to tell me he was feeling he could no longer live in a world of constant stress with the person he was to marry. He had started to lie to me and became distant and walking the line of single hood when this final attempt to communicate happened. Thank God for once I was able to hear him out completely without going into my “well what ifs” and became very grateful that he noticed my ability to actually listen and he proceeded to telling me those things. This was a few weeks ago. I can honestly say that even though its been a short time span, just the humbleness approach to communicating has worked wonders for us. Last night he and I confessed to possibly being more in love than ever due to my ability to trust more and allow him to be his own person without being scared to conclude me in his life out of fear of being accused of something more. I’m learning to except him as an individual knowing his love for me will keep him faithful, keeping him wanting to love MRE. And as for me, I feel the same toward him and make sure to always be pleasant understanding and loving. It takes practice but its really not as hard as what I’ve made it be all these years.

  25. Kim Lawrence

    February 8, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Also I’d like to add…. there has been a time or two I’ve been on the phone with him and him and his crew would be grilling and cooking out at the hotel they are in and a heat wave of jealousy and worry not me but in those Kenya without making it obvious I say I need to go for whatever reason, recollect myself, take deep breaths and call back or wait till a later time. I kinda look at it this way now… I’m a good looking woman, so a lot of guys say, and get hit on or asked out a lot. I’m flattered as any person would be but do not allow it to interfere in my personal life. Im sure I get hit on more then him and by no means do I cross any lines tho no one would ever know therefore I feel he feels and does the same. Regardless we’d know if we went outside of our relationship and personally believe the guilt would be too much for us to not confess asap. The depth of the connection we share is so great that there’s truly no denying we are with each other only.

  26. carolyn

    February 8, 2014 at 11:52 am

    I just want to say thank you after reading this article I sent it to a couple of my girl friends and we all were amazed for myself its making me want to step up my game I’m planning on driving my husband crazy making love I’m going to do things that I know is going to make him want to rush home after work and see what’s next once again the energy is now all about us

  27. J

    February 15, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Thank you! I was with a girl for almost a year when she cheated on me. I decided I couldn’t go through it again and spent 2 years sleeping around, one day I met my current girlfriend and I felt what love was.she is all around perfect and we’ve been together for almost a year now. I noticed that as we get closer to finding an apartment together I get nervous and suspicious and I didn’t know what was happening to me. It was beginning to cause an issue and you helped me realize that I needed to let the past go. Hopefully things work out!

    • Raven girl

      August 9, 2014 at 1:00 pm

      Hey I’m not sure if you’re still with your girl or not :) I think regardless of the person you’re with (if they’re reasonably devoted to you, so far faithful and trustworthy) feelings of insecurity will come up. These feelings, not just for you but for myself and many people, simply lead to fears. For me I have fears of abandonment, loss of love and care, betrayal etc. and if I look deeper these fears lead to a void within myself. If you research ‘Ben oofana’ he explains this process extremely well. He gives free advice on his blog, but does medicine/energy work to heal you from the inside out. I’m going to start meditating on how it felt to be with my last unfaithful partner and work through those emotions. It’s just a trigger.

      The reason why I replied to you although I wanted to share this with every poster, is that I had a lover at one time who was tirelessly controlling, jealous and insecure. It sounds like you’ve found a girl you want to keep so do everything in your power to keep her. Working through your insecurities and fears will give you all the responsibility. If she feels like you put your issues on her she will be heartbroken as I was. It makes the partner think they’re not good enough for you, that you aren’t worth being trusted and it hurts a LOT. That’s why I left my insecure boyfriend! I’m also insecure but I know only I have control over that and communicate that to my current partner so he knows what I’m feeling and thinking but also that I don’t want to put it on him. :)

  28. Cole

    February 18, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Wow! I cannot express how life changing this article was. I used to be stuck in the rut worrying all the time. And now, I realize that the bigger picture is to let go all of my negative energy and start living a more positive life with me and my partner.

  29. Hazel

    February 20, 2014 at 2:07 am

    Thank you so much for this article — it’s really relieving to know many other people are anxious about their partners cheating.

    I am 20 years old, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over one year now and I love him so much. He is my first real relationship, after one several years ago in which I was bullied, and emotionally and sexually abused (it feels very strange to write it out like that, so quickly).

    After feeling rock-bottom for so long, trying to cope with A-Level exams at the same time as coping with depression, and moving to university, I found my boyfriend. He completely transformed life for me, and has been so supportive of my journey upwards. He told me he loved me the second day we spent together, and since then love has just blossomed. It almost seems too good to be true, and I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming sometimes. He says he will marry me after university, and we will travel the world together. Everybody believes it, just seeing us together in the perfect relationship.

    I have felt nothing but bliss this past year, but occasionally (and it’s becoming more and more often) I am extremely worried that he might cheat on me. I know I am insecure because of what happened before I moved away to university, but it’s making me feel awful and guilty for even considering that he might cheat.

    The thing is, we see each other all of the time, every day. We’re best friends as well as a couple. Life seems so much brighter when I am with him. But when he spends time with his best male friend I am worried, because this friend takes drugs, and has a lot of sex with a lot of women, even housemates e.t.c. There seems to be no filter, nobody cares, and to them it is just sex.

    The year before I met my boyfriend, when it was his first year at university, he told me he had slept with five girls that year, four of which I see almost daily around university… He was not enjoying university, he had no support from home and he took to drinking a lot, and seeing girls. I understood that.

    But I am scared my boyfriend might fall into this again – he is still friends with a few of them. They seem to be the complete opposite of me – confident, secure, outgoing. I am introverted, insecure, and quite shy. I am anxious that one day he will get bored of me. He is like them, charming, self-assured, confident, outgoing, boisterous. He is very attractive, and I see the looks girls give him as they pass him in the street – I have learnt to brush them off now.

    I am worried, I know I have no reason to be at the moment, but if he did cheat or fall in love with somebody else I do not know how I would cope. He is moving in to my shared house next year…I have to learn to not worry about things that haven’t happened. I haven’t told him any of this, I don’t want to seem needy or overly dependent.

    Thank you for your article, it opened my eyes. By worrying so much, and trying to create scenarios, thinking about the worst, I am losing myself completely. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m just a bundle of worries!

    I just always believed or hope for true love, it seems extremely naive, but I always believed there was one soulmate for every person out there. And I believe I have found mine, despite being quite young still. I don’t want it to end.

  30. Kayla

    February 27, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now and recently found text messages on his phone. This article I really needed to read. I’ve been asking myself what I did wrong and every night wanting to check his phone seeing if Hes still cheating. I love how now I know it wasn’t me and NO I can’t stop him from doing it if he is going to. Also its stressful just trying to track his every move again I need to tell myself I can’t stop him. I love him and he loves me and this article may be what saves our relationship and mostly my sanity. Thank you so much!!!

  31. Pingback: Does Your Partner Cheating Mean It's Over? | Rachael Lay

  32. Clara

    March 8, 2014 at 8:25 am

    thx Rachael. but its only different when he has cheated several times, confessed, reasured not 2 do it again but he neva stops! ive now lost love 4 him 2 the extent that he nolonger turns me on! i just i hate him! any hope 4 me?? am 33, we have 2 dotaz and a boy

  33. tommyontime

    March 10, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    I’m 63 with a new 43 year old gf. She thinks we look a like. She has a history of being with multiple sex partners while married, couple swapping while married and other singular flings with married men. Geez, can you understand why today, when she was drunk at noon talking to an old boyfriend about how sexually unsatisfied she is with me, how my feelings got a little hurt? Other than that, she’s a great girl. Other than what? Am I kidding myself? I feel like sh** right now. She says I misinterpreted what I heard her say. In fact, she denies ever talking to an old bf. Cheating and lying, the gifts that just keep on giving….

  34. Jen

    March 24, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    It was exactly what I needed. The hard part is learning to put this way of thinking into practice. To try to be arrogant for lack of a better word and give yourself the positive self talk when you don’t really believe it. I suppose it fits into the old saying, if you don’t love you then who else will. To add I found it particularly comforting to read the other comments and know that others have the same fear as me. Thank you

    • Yael

      March 30, 2014 at 3:52 am

      My boyfirend is amazing and sweet, and travels quite often for work to countries like Brazil and Columbia.

      This gives me constant anxiety and stress and my mind never stops working overtime imagining scenarios or imagining what he could be doing.

      There is no real reason for me to have these fears, yet I do.

      This article really helped me realize how much of a waste it is!! Life your life people!!

  35. Jennifer

    April 9, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Reading this really made me think and reflect on myself and what I go through daily. I am constantly in fear my husband is cheating and that is all I can focus on. It drives me insane. I know he is not doing any such thing. His everyday things have not changed in the last 7 years we’ve been married, however the thoughts just keep coming to my mind. We have discussed the matter, I saw a therapist for a while which helped for a bit but then the thoughts started coming back. I just want to stop feeling this way about him. It is taking a toll on my marriage. He gets annoyed with my constant questions even though he goes to work (in a factory) comes home and is with me for the rest of the night. I work second shift now so I’m not home 90% of the time in the evening. He is home with our son, he doesn’t leave to go anywhere (I ask my son). I just need help getting over questioning him. I was cheated on for 5 years by my ex which whom I was madly in love with. I’ve tried to move on from those feelings but I do believe they haunt me 24/7. Help!! Please!!

  36. Tasha

    April 17, 2014 at 4:51 am

    I have been cheated on in my past and as a result I have major issues in the trust and relationship department. Your articles are great first off; they make alot of sense but I personally feel soo far gone that I just can’t be helped.
    I married my partner last June, and we have a good relationship but anything that has to do with other females is what gets to me the most and puts a wedge between us. For example: Any shows/movies on tv that I find inappropriate I “lock” and put a password on them that only I know. I don’t want to go certain places, especially when the weather is warm out so that my husband can’t “look” at other women. I make sure we go grocery shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the masses of women that would be at the grocery store. I don’t want to go to family get-togethers or friends weddings etc with my partner because I don’t want him to look at/flirt with other women. My husband is really not a bad guy and he does pretty good for the most part, but I just have been so hurt in my past that I don’t want to deal with it ever again and I don’t trust any/very few men or females (for obvious reasons). I just want someone who doesn’t want to or need to look at, flirt with, etc other women and that will be happy with just ME. I just can’t take the hurt etc of seeing him look at or flirt with someone else. I just can’t. And the things above are just some of the ways that I personally cope with and try to divert things that hurt and upset me that men do. It is like second nature to me. As much as I would LOVE to be able to fully trust and believe my spouse would never do any of the things that hurt and upset me most, I know better. I am anxious and depressed what feels like 24/7…I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to deal with it any other way. I just can’t let go and trust, especially after seeing things that hurt/upset me happen right in front of me. It is like a nightmare that won’t end! =(

    • Ellen

      January 26, 2015 at 11:51 am

      Tasha, I’m crying reading this because I can relate to how you feel. I do similar things to control my husband. Your not the only one and we can learn to let go and trust if we try, we need to stop it ruining our lives !!!!

  37. Mike

    April 19, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    A great article. I am gay and my ex-partner of ten years turned out to have been cheating with multiple partners for most of our relationship. Of course I got tested and am okay – but I have just met someone special and now find myself obsessing over what he may or may not be doing. I realise that he is not my ex and am desperately trying not to be too suspicious – bulgur it is harder than I thought. I never really understood what was meant by bringing baggage to a relationship until this one began…now I know that is what I am doing. I continue to work on this and am certainly not attempting to check up on my new romantic interest – but the temptation to do so is overwhelming at times. Thank you do the pointers above. Very helpful.

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      Mike, when you’ve been cheated on before it’s even harder to let go of the worry of being cheated on again. I’m sorry this happened to you. I encourage your attempts to avoid tarnishing your current partner for the wrongs of your ex. They are different men and my hope is that this love is much kinder and more true for you.

  38. Christopher

    April 20, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    I happened to be looking for an article tonight on advice for this situation as I constantly worry about my boyfriend cheating. I am a 25 year old gay male and when I was 17 I had my first committed relationship. He and I were together for two years and we were very close and everything seemed to be perfect. I had become so involved with his family and eventually the relationship started getting really really bad and he ended up cheating on me and that completely destroyed me. I was 19 when this happened and it took another two years to completely move on from him. Although the feelings are no longer there and I’ve moved on completely, the fear of falling back to that shattered place I was in still plagues me to this very day in my current relationship. We met last year in december and we had a rough beginning because he still hadn’t recovered from being cheated on either and he was afraid to be involved too much with the relationship. Well, we’ve squashed that and we are doing better than ever, but I still worry so much about it. He’s told me countless times he would never do it because he knows how it feels and that he’s faithful. He has a much better grasp of it and he doesn’t worry about me doing it at all but at the same time I was much closer with my ex when he cheated and it really destroyed me. I wish I could stop worrying so much about this because I just want to enjoy the time I have with him and try to make a lasting relationship with him. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about someone and I don’t want to lose it again.

  39. Robert

    April 25, 2014 at 2:16 am

    This article is exactly what I need to hear and I am trying to let go of the fear and insecurities I am having with my girlfriend of 2+years. I feel like she is an amazing woman whom I care and love greatly. However, within the last year and since moving in together this past September, I have found she and I have some personal insecurities and general anxieties that are troubling me and making me anxious too. I know I should be concentrating on myself and trying to be more communicative but thoughts of infidelity have crossed my mind as she seems to be generally lacking interest, communication and affection towards me…it hasn’t always been like this but it has become more troublesome and I really don’t feel the love that I used to for her…While I am still attracted to her, I’m becoming more frustrated on our lack of communication and ability to be consistently intimate. I find myself begging for intimacy/sex… Thoughts of infidelity have occurred when she is coming home late from work routinely and a general lack of intimacy throughout the day…I think it’s possible that she is just going through a difficult time with school, work/life balance but also know that she is generally “shutting down” with me and there could be infidelity.

    Lately I feel like I should break things off and living together has got extremely difficult…

    That being said, I’m going to continue to focus on myself and continue to work on my own personality strengths. In speaking with my therapist, she thinks it might be that we might just be incompatible and have two separate personalities with me being more extroverted and her more introverted.

    Any comments or suggestions to improve my relationship, to let her go or to just focus on myself would be much appreciated…

  40. sarah

    April 30, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Hi…this article is all me…everything that you wrote I felt like your talking about me…this was very helpful …..

  41. Anonymous "S"

    May 8, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Thank you so much for sharing this article. My husband cheated on me about two years ago. He is a personal trainer and he is very good looking. He found commonalities with a young 19 year old whom he was training. Anyway, when I found out it was incredibly hard because he kept fighting me and denying anything ever happened. He said it was all emotional. One year later, which was about one month ago, he confessed that they actually did kiss, and if I had not intervened at the time I did, it could have gone further. Since then he has apologized and done his best to show me that he loves me and that he made a mistake. But I cant help but think that it took me one year to get over it to then again realize that what i thought i got over was a complete lie. I cant help but wonder now, what if he’s still lying and he will decide to tell me the truth next year. You know what I mean!? It’s crazy. So, I am having such a hard time trusting and my need for re-assurance has been insane. Your article really spoke to me and I truly appreciate it.

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Being cheated on it it’s own betrayal that hurts enough on it’s own. Being lied too as well only compounds the hurt because no matter what you ask, and hear, you will always wonder what is being held back. I hope you and your partner are able to work your way through this and open more truthful lines of communication about what happened, so you can move on with trust and ongoing honesty.

  42. Chris

    June 4, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    I have been with my wife for over three years. We are only married for 1-1/2. We ended up into an argument with each other that made me want to leave. When I left and refused to come back, she did things to her self such as try to commit suicide. What made things worse for us was the fact that I left her alone, neglected and abandoned, in a hospital while she was recovering.I never admitted to myself that I was wrong for quite a while. But after a month of her pleading for me to come back, I agreed to make up for the damage that was done. But upon discovering the truth about what she decided to do while I was away, she had cheated on me with another person. I was enraged by the choice she made and I wanted to walk away completely, and almost filed for divorce. But I wised up and decided I want to fix my marriage with my wife. I came back into her life not really knowing what to expect. Right now we are together and at the moment, things are ruff. She is still in communication with her friend she had the affair with. She tells me cause she has some invested feelings toward this guy that she can’t stop talking to him. I’m so worried that she will listen to him and believe that she will cheat on me again.But after reading this site though, I feel as if I have a better prospective on our damaged relationship. I cant worry about what she is doing, or what she will do. If she wants to truly want to be with me, then she will let me be. I can’t keep getting frustrated on what has happened and all the wouldas, couldas, and shouldas, for the past when i should have been there for her. As a husband, I failed by making things worse than what they are instead of truly listening to my heart. My goal is to repair the damage done, or at least say that I have done all that I can. It’s only been two weeks since I have been back together with her. So if I don’t come to terms with myself now, I will ruin what we created and built, a foundation of love and trust. We have started counseling so I am hoping the next visit that the counselors words of mediation can help us both come to a mutual understanding of love and trust for each other. I love my wife.

  43. Gemma

    June 11, 2014 at 4:46 am

    This article has helped me a little bit I had a bad previous relationship where I was cheated on and it took me long enough in the beginning to trust him or any man as I was sexually assaulted at a young age, I trust my boyfriend and he is my world but he is going away on a stag party and I’m nervous I know he won’t cheat on me I really do deep inside but can’t get the horrible feeling out of my stomach I know it’s me with the issue on the trust factor as he has been hurt before, he is the most amazing man I have ever met and were only 7 months into our relationship been living together for 6 months I can’t ruin this as it will ruin me, he gets upset when I talk about ex partners so I can’t even say this is why I’m getting nervous.

  44. Louise

    June 14, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Thank you for this wonderfully written article Rachael! It has really struck a chord with me.
    I have been dealing with insecurities and anxiety throughout my 5 year relationship with my partner. We both got together through cheating on our ex partners so I think this has always meant that I have trust issues with my current partner and myself. It took me a long time to leave behind a lot of guilty feeling for cheating on my ex. I never thought I was the sort of person to cheat and I felt so terrible for years after, beating myself up and turning myself inside out with regrets. It was very bad for my self esteem.
    I am now 25 and after a lot of self help books, reading about The Law of Attraction etc, I am trying my best to deal with my demons in a better way!!
    I think the fact my current relationship was born out of infidelity has always made me feel very insecure. My partner was a bit of a casinova before we got together. He had a lot of female friends who were also my friends. We both do not speak to these girlfriends anymore because I made it clear I was not comfortable with this. Although that sounds like I dictated who he spoke to… We have actually had a better relationship since we cut out these girls from our lives.
    We have just moved across the other side of the world together to begin a new life, so I am going through a lot of new insecurities again and the anxiety is creeping back. My partner has just started in a new job here and the job requires him to work away occasionally. He has to meet lots of new people (women) who all appear to me to be very confident and attractive business women. This has pushed my own confidence back slightly again, which is why I have sought some online help in the form of your article!
    I completely agree with everything you say… It’s almost as though ‘you get what you expect’ in life! Therefore, I really need to start expecting better things and having faith in the person I chose to love and be with. I truly don’t think he would cheat on of hurt me. He has reassured me countless times and he is a wonderful person. I think sometimes when you are so in awe of someone else you do tend to forget how wonderful you are too though… And this is what becomes a problem. It’s about loving yourself enough so that you don’t rely on someone else’s love to validate you!!
    As with everything in life, trust is a work in progress… It takes practice (especially if you have been hurt in the past) but you really can turn things around if you commit everyday to loving yourself abs focussing all your energy on good, positive things!! When you focus more on yourself and all the good things about you, it matters less what your partner is doing and you can both feel more at ease.
    All of what I am saying here is going to take a lot of willing and practice… But I believe it’s possible! It’s both a comfort and a shame to read so many similar posts and know a lot of us struggle with trust, but reading things like your article really do help and I wish everyone all the best in their endeavours to change and become happier! :-)

  45. Ness

    June 19, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    This was a great article to read. I have a hard time because my boyfriend works out of town, and he’s barely home. When he is home, he’s sleeping. His job is demanding and he has no set schedule. When he’s out of town, we will go hours without talking/texting. He will say that he is going to sleep. When I do hear from him, we will talk for a little bit, then he goes MIA. When I hear back from him he will say that he was sleeping… again. One of the guys he works out of town with is cheating on his girlfriend, and at times they will go out together for some drinks after work. So naturally my mind always goes to the “his friend is doing it so he must be too”. He says just because his friend is doing it doesn’t mean he is. My mind goes crazy without the reassurance that he’s not up to anything bad when he’s out of town.

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 10:51 am

      What your partner says is true, just because his friend is doing it, it doesn’t mean he is. With that said, distance and the inability to ‘know’ what is going on can certainly feed the mind with worry.

      My advice is that, without any evidence of anything going on, to trust until you know differently. Most people find it really hard to go with this plan because we believe that trusting (somewhat blindly) will always see us get hurt. But it is more often, in relationships, that not trusting without reason is what causes more damage.

  46. P

    July 2, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    This is a pretty useful and accurate article! I was really insecure before, and it caused problems with me and my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for almost 2 years now. She was always a little bit inappropriate with other guys, not really in a purposefully flirty way, it’s just how she is. She’d do things to annoy me like leading guys on unintentionally, snogging her girl mates in a club attracting male attention, and having quiet nights watching a movie one on one with guys who’d bring her bottles of wine.

    Anyway, we talked about our issues and I learned that she needed to calm down a bit, and I needed to get over my insecurity if we were going to be happy together. So she did, and I worked on it and she said she was much happier with how I acted and I was much better. Only then not long after she went on holiday and got back and told me she had cheated on me. I accepted it (better than I thought) and we stayed together. Only problem is her story didn’t fully add up to all the pictures that had been posted of her and the guy on facebook, so recently I calmly asked her if we could have a conversation about it to tie up loose ends and put my mind to rest.
    She started calm, but soon became quite hostile, saying that she already told me it’s all coincidence and there’s nothing more to talk about (this is before I even brought up the issues), and went on to say that she has tried to keep cool with all my insecurities but can’t be with me if it’s going to keep up.

    The thing is, though I was insecure at the start, we both saw that I had improved to the extent where it wasn’t a problem anymore. Now she has cheated on me (and hidden a couple minor things from me) I feel like it’s not unreasonable for me to ask to have an open discussion about what had happened, to give me an explanation for the things that don’t make sense, and to ease my mind. Surely she owe’s me at least that? Considering I let her off so lightly (had a cigarette, then took her to the fair and for dinner) and basically all she said was ‘sorry, i won’t do it again’. She’s linking this to the more unreasonable insecurities I had in the past, saying she can’t ‘keep putting up with this’ and i think it’s unfair on me considering this is a completely different and real scenario.

    Anyway, sorry about the essay, point is I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her, even though many people have said it’s the right thing to do, and part of me thinks so too, but I do love her and so am finding it hard to let her go. On the other hand, it’s not fair that she’s done this and far from being reassuring, is having a go at me and saying she’ll break up with me because of my insecurity, when all I want is a calm conversation and decent explanation.

    Any advice will be welcomed.

    Thanks for taking the time to read

  47. nicole

    July 9, 2014 at 12:58 am

    I can’t believe the number of people this article hit hard. I too felt that you hit the nail on the head with every word. The question really is how do you build true self confidence and stop fear?

    How do you let go and stop worrying?

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 10:44 am

      It is hard, there’s no doubt Nicole.

      But for your own wellbeing, and in respect for yourself, you need to practice letting go and trusting that whether you worry or not, it has no bearing on what will happen. Your time and energy is much better spent on cultivating your relationship, and your personal care, rather than focusing on what may not (and may never) happen.

      You need to make a conscious choice to redirect your thoughts, to kill negative, unhelpful worrying as soon as it starts up. It takes time to make this a habit, but it will happen if you want it to.

  48. Eko

    July 30, 2014 at 2:42 am

    I just worry because me and my partner are homosexual, and he claims he loves me out of this world, and we had a rough past before, I lied to him and I got his trust back but why do I always worry with him being with a woman? and its not like I have a problem with heterosexuals, but I love him to death and I trust him but I am just always so worried. Like I always picture in details about him dominating over some woman or man, and it bothers me :/ and I hate it. He claims to love me so much more than I can know, and I will sometimes even go into work with him, and he seems like he doesn’t try to attract anyone :/ so what should I do, I’ve checked his phone and nothing is there… but I just feel paranoid

  49. Heidi

    August 12, 2014 at 1:47 am

    Thanks for this article. I am a couple of weeks past D-Day and am at the point of trying to heal myself. The affair brought up every single insecurity I have about myself and I have been searching for a way to go on from here. Your article confirms what I already knew except it goes one step further by pointing out that I need to quit worrying that he will cheat again and that only he is in control of his actions. I know and so does he that I have dealt with this issue for the last time in that if he has contact with this person again I am out of here. He wants to save the marriage, but now I’m fighting my own demons and insecurtities. I plan to take your advice and hopefully wwe can recover from this.

  50. A.J Sanchez

    August 17, 2014 at 1:09 am

    Thanks for this article. I’ve been cheated on twice in the past, and I feel like my fear of being cheated on isn’t any closer to going away anytime soon. I’ve been low on self esteem for years now, but I’ve been dating a girl who’s been my best friend for four straight years. What I didn’t know was that she’s been in love with me for four years as well. But now she’s in college in a different state, and I’m absolutely paranoid. I’m worried. I don’t know how to tell myself that if she has loved me for four years then it’s doubtful that she’ll easily switch affections for someone else. I need to realize she’s telling the truth when she says I’m the only one for her. She tells me things my cheating exes never told me before. So why am I having so much difficulty believing it?

  51. O

    August 20, 2014 at 1:58 am

    Great article.
    It has hit all the points that I have been experiencing for the past few years.
    I have been married for almost 15 years and my husband has never cheated on me. He has been good to me and is an awesome father.

    I got married at 22 and my husband is the only man I have been with. My idea of an husband was someone who would love and cherish me for what I was and help me grow. He would be my best friend and make me feel secure.

    Early on in our marriage, my husband would talk about the women in his life who liked him and whom he liked. He would talk about their qualities and try and correct me to the point that it felt like he did not like me or appreciate me for what I was.
    He never praised me for my smartness,looks or intelligence, so when he praised another woman I felt cheated and let down.

    I developed a sense of insecurity and worthlessness.

    I would throw tantrums and then give the silent treatment but he never seemed to get the point.
    After the birth of our 2nd son 7 years ago I suffered from postpartum depression and had to undergo therapy.
    Some of the issues were resolved and my husband has been more appreciative since then, but I am not able to get over my insecurities.

    I have become distrustful and suspicious of his actions. I doubt him all the time but he has been understanding and supportive through all this.
    He has given me access to his emails/FB/phone but it is not helping.

    I was mad when I found out a year ago that he was in touch with a woman from his past on FB. Though there was nothing to it, I spiraled back into my insecurities and had to be treated for anxiety again.

    Same thing happened when I found out that he had been extra nice to a woman from work because she worked hard on a project that he was heading.

    He said he appreciated her hard work and that she was very talented. After she left for another job i found that she had connected with him on FB.
    I lost it again, and had a big fight with him.

    My insecurities are affecting my marriage big time and I am afraid that if this continues it will end an otherwise happy marriage.

    I do not know how I can stop being like this

  52. Nino

    August 21, 2014 at 12:01 am

    I think this article really speaks to woman who have been cheated on. Its such a difficult thing to go through and without putting your body and mind to it, you may never truly get over it (in other words, getting over it is just as hard) But with the right attitude and the keys that this article touches on it can get better.

    I just find it hard to focus on making the relationship better for you and your partner when your intuition tells you a different story and you truly not sure if its your insecurities as well as your fear that make you believe that deep down he is still creeping or if he really is and your intuition is actually on point. It gets hard when you at that point and you really just want to be able to let go of what he did and move on together and happy together. Its a huge mountain to climb with a huge battle after that.. I just wana be able to feel that its ok to love him and if you will ever truly know if he isn’t and wont ever cheat again.

  53. Claire

    August 29, 2014 at 7:44 am

    I have read many articles over the past year and this one may have just saved my life… literally. My partner and I have been together 14 years and have a 12 year old son. My previous 18 year relationship was riddled with cheating (by my then partner) and I carried that mistrust and low self esteem with me into my current relationship. My partner knew I had trust issues from the start and has always been reassuring and caring. The problem is he has a lot of female friends, mostly work colleagues, past and present, and generally is someone who gets on better with females. It’s been hard, especially with social media, and there have been a few instances where he has crossed the line (not physically though as far as I know). He maintains that he loves me and that he wouldn’t cheat and I really want to believe that but by the same token I haven’t been able to stop ‘checking up’ on him. I can honestly say every one of the bullet points above I am guilty of (for want of a better word). At the moment, for the past couple of years, I have been going through depression (recently become very severe), although this is not all as a result of the relationship problems. So now I am in the position where I am trying to ‘save’ the relationship while at the same time I have almost no motivation. I have stopped going out, stopped taking phone calls from friends and ‘better off dead’ has been a thought in my mind on a daily basis. Yep, I know, selfish right? Yet when I am in that mode I actually tell myself I would be doing everyone a favour and I believe it too. I know I need help but the relationship plus the actual depression are like a double hurdle and seem impossible to get over. I can’t seem to get past my obsession with the relationship in order that I can tackle the depression. I know, I tend to waffle, I hope my post is legible.

    Back to the article. Just reading it and recognising myself in what’s been written has helped me immensely. I don’t say this lightly either. It is just what I needed to help get things into perspective in my muddled head without feeling like my behaviour (the bullet points) was being judged. At the same time it has enabled me to acknowledge the effect it’s having on both of us, not to mention our son. I am going to save this page and read it as often as I need to, to reinforce the positives and hopefully change my mindset. Thank you so much!

  54. mitchell brodbeck

    August 29, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    I just want to say that I wish I had found this article months ago. Yes I have been cheated by my wife. And along with the cheating part there was so much more that went along with it. All of which I foumd out 7 monyhs aftwr she had moved out of state. But after it all we are still together. I have obsessed with her cheating on me again. So bad that now I have pushed her away. This article is everything ahe tried telling me for the last few monyhs. It is a very informative article. Thank you.

  55. Jennifer

    September 5, 2014 at 3:32 am

    I loved reading your words of advice…..like everyone else, it hit home for me too. My husband and I have been married for 6.5 yrs and have one lil boy, almost 3 yrs old. For the past few yrs, I can’t count how many times I have found texts, emails, pictures and replies to Craigslist personal ads (yes, you heard right..) and even a profile on a dating website (and he had that when I was pregnant..)……needless to say, I have found a lot on his phone. Also, found a lengthy convo on his Yahoo messenger btwn him and a girl he grew up with from back home (Maine)…..he was telling her he wished he could be with her, he loved her, wanted sex with her…..the whole nine yards. I have been severely traumatized by all of this……and after seeing two counselors recently, have def concluded that I have PTSD from this. Even lately, if I ask to look at his phone, he always gets uptight and we always have a bad day after. And last time I did look at his phone, I wanted to see internet browser history too ( I check everything..) and as he’s VERY QUICKLY SCROLLING, obviously on purpose, my eyes catch “Gmail” pages all in a row, like a ton of them that he went to. I asked him if he had a gmail acct and he said no so then I asked for him to click on one of the “gmail” pages I saw, just so I could see what was there, he refused to. Put up a huge knockout-drag out fight and would not show me for the life of him. That tells me right there he’s hiding something. He “claimed” that he was looking at “Gmail picture sharing” (which is still bad in itself..) and it kept supposedly prompting him to go to a gmail acct. I don’t buy it, not at all. I’m not a stupid person, plus I have gotten very wise after all the crap I have found on him. He tried to turn the tables (to shift focus of course) and then started asking me to show him browser history on the home computer we have, thinking I have been using it, which I never do. So there’s no history. He accused me of deleting any history that was there and acted like I was doing something. Which I would never do that to him, so that’s bull crap. But that’s also a sign of guilt that he was shifting the focus like that. Well, the problem is that his work schedule has a lot to do with all this. He has worked away from home for almost the whole time we have been together, used to be 4 days on/4 days off. But now he got a better paying job but the schedule is now 28 days on/28 days off. So he’s away for 4 weeks……and you can imagine what that is doing to my thoughts and my mind. I am stressed beyond belief, assuming he is iMessaging someone (which cannot be traced once deleted..) or emailing someone on another email acct while he’s away at work on the boat. (He works on a supply ship that goes out to the oil rigs in Gulf of Mexico) Basically, the worry of all this is destroying me, and also taking me away from our lil boy, who desperately needs a happy momma right now. I constantly wonder what he’s up to on the boat, who he’s talking to, if anyone. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head and I worry that all this has ruined me for our marriage. I’m worried all the time, and it affects my mood. He notices and then we fight. He thinks I don’t really love him but it’s hard to show my true feelings (which I do still love him very much..) when my head is full of all these bad past thoughts and I can’t get rid of them. I don’t want this to totally ruin our marriage and then we get a divorce. That would totally ruin me, I know it. I love this man more than he knows but I just don’t get how he could be so distrustful and sneaky and such a liar. We are both 32 yrs old. Besides all of this, we have a good life together….a beautiful lil boy, two very good jobs, a nice house, everything like that. I feel we have so much potential….that is if these fears of mine don’t destroy everything first. How do I rid myself of these fears, how do I show him that I do truly love him, despite everything he’s done? And am I stupid for even still being with him?? Plse help.

  56. Prisca

    September 12, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Hi love this article,
    My husband cheated on me once with a work colleague and another the time developed feelings for a friend. Irt shattered my world and being.. It happened in between 1 year and since then it’s a constant struggle to let go and i leave in this fear that it might happen again. I feel paranoid at time and i talk to myself to have reassurance and worst i need confirmation from him. Which is not happening and i get more frustrated.
    Also he is bipolar, when he feels down he adds gal on facebook.. trashy ones and then delete so all these make me feel terrible as a woman.
    I came to the conclusion that i am destroying myself by being too involved and the overwhelming feelings are horrible..
    At times i feel so hopeless and at times i dfeel confindent…

  57. Stephan

    September 13, 2014 at 5:16 am

    I just wanted to say thank you so much…..I have been searching for these words for a LONG time. Your words have given me the tools I needed to move on and stop letting past things control my current relationship (im engaged). What a blessing this will be for my spouse and I. Thank you again!

  58. Michelle

    September 19, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Reading this article was a real eye opener for me. My last 3 relationships ended because of someone cheating. I’m with a wonderful man now, but every time he seems distant, those old feelings of suspicion rear their ugly head. I find myself doing things I told myself I never would, with him. Yes – they’re all a waste of time and energy, and end up making you crazy. I feel ashamed for having accused him of something he didn’t do, and says he’d never do, but reading this helped me realize that I must focus more on myself, and my good qualities. He’s with me for a reason.

  59. Myles

    September 23, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    This made me feel loads better. It was odd seeing someone list my exact behavior after I was cheated on… I’m still in my relationship, but we’re both in college, which puts distance between us. She likes to remind me how she won’t cheat on me, even without me bringing it up at all, but then again, so did the last 3 that cheated on me. I’ve been hospitalized once, and had to see a counselor due to suicidal thoughts for nearly a year. And I love this girl. I’d love to be as strong as some of the people in this comment section who have just let it all go, but with such a track record, and still being so young, it’s tough for me… When she tells me to stop texting her for a few hours because she’s writing a paper after she just told me she was having friends over, it makes my mind wonder and I’m stuck worrying until we say goodnight. I feel so overbearing when I ask question her, and I don’t even do it that often. Tonight was another one of those nights, and I’m glad I found this article. I just need to learn to trust her, and believe she’s different from the others.

  60. Simmikke

    September 23, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Thanks for the article, even though it seems to be written ages ago…
    I have horrible trust problems with my partner. I have ZERO reason not to trust him, but my anxiousness and mistrusting issues are getting in the way. I don’t only react like this with my partner either, I react like this with everyone I meet. My bestfriend is getting a little sick of it, and I hate subjecting her to my crap. But I’ve saved this as a bookmark, and will be referring to it often to make my relationship with my love the best. I owe it to him.

    • Chanel

      January 11, 2015 at 1:16 pm

      This article is one I will bookmark for future reference. I have caught my partner trying to cheat on me via text message several times. This is directly related to my low self esteem and body issues and is even currently inhibiting my sex life/ability to enjoy because I feel so low at points. This article will help me in the future when doubt strikes.

  61. Josh

    October 5, 2014 at 8:05 am

    It is so reassuring I’m not the only one with these thoughts and fears. They stopped me getting in a relationship with another girl for 5 years. Now I am dating a girl and these fears have come back to haunt me with a slap. I have been considering stopping seeing her because I am worried she might eventually cheat on me if we do get into a relationship. But you are right, my actions cannot prevent this. If someone is going to cheat, then nothing will stop this happening eventually. Me feeling insecure will make no difference. I’m a great person with or without someone beside me, and if they are willing to throw me away for some quick pleasure fix, then all they do is save me time which would otherwise be wasted on them. Thanks, you have probably just earned me my first girlfriend in several years :)

  62. Jerilyn

    October 7, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    This is exactly what I needed; I need to stay more positive, and have a mature convo with my significant other.. I’ve been cheated on from my past relationship and trust is a big issue; my partner now spends a lot of time in the washroom and has weird work hours and now supposedly works weekends and I’m not entirely sure but I think he’s hiding something.. We moved into a new town, so I don’t really have anyone to talk to.. He’s lived here for years before with his recent ex and knows a lot more ppl than I do; someone plz msg me back or email me: missjohnny01@hotmail.com I’d really appreciate it

  63. aleshia

    October 12, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Im confused and dont have no happiness .. me n my boyfriend always break up cause he cheats than he come back. But i always do the things u say u dont do.. but thanks for the article i will try some of ur ideas

  64. Jamie

    October 14, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    I was previously in a very long relationship where I was often cheated on. I loved this man and he is the father of my children. The only way I Havre gotten over him is that we have not spoken in years. I’m in a new relationship and I am obsessed with the thought of him cheating. I check his phone several times a day. He has given me a few small reasons not to trust him, he ha fixed those problems

    • Jamie

      October 14, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      Sorry….I was saying he fixed those problems, but I still don’t trust him. I don’t know if its me and I’m just crazy, or if my gut is trying to tell me that he is a cheater. So confused, please help!

  65. Rosa

    October 16, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Hello, great article really. Thank you. I haven’t been cheated before but I have all the symptoms you mention that people with trut issues have. I always feel very anxious that my partner may cheat on me or leave me for another person. There is one thing that helps me a lot in my fear of being cheated, though: trying to be in the present moment as much as I can. This is so important. I believe it is not our past bad experiences that fire our fears, but rather thinking about them again and again. In a way we are cheated each time we think about the bad past experience. A book that helps me to relax is Eckhart Tolle’s the Power of Now.
    Joyful relationship experiences to all of us.

  66. Nicole

    October 24, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    I had an unusual experience that has led to my trust issues. My father cheated on my mother chronically, there would be no way to even begin to put a number on how many affairs he had. My parents separated when I was six, and while i primarily lived with my mother, I stayed with my father every other weekend. His unfaithful ways were constantly in my face from that young age. Sometimes we would visit with multiple women in one weekend, and he would make me lie to them about what we’d been doing the rest of the weekend. He stopped bringing me around all the extra women shortly before he married my stepmom when I was 13 (probably because he knew forcing me to lie wouldn’t work for much longer at that age). On top of that, my father was emotionally abusive, and stopped at nothing to make me feel inadequate. When I was 15, I overheard him drunkenly telling my stepmom that I was the worst daughter he could have ever imagined.

    As you might guess, these interactions have given me a very skewed representation of what a relationship should look like. Being cheated on seems like an inevitability to me, given that the first model of a relationship I saw as a child was plagued with constant infidelity. Additionally, the way my father treated me as I grew up has made me an extreme perfectionist. I try so hard to be perfect in every facet; I obsess over my appearance, schoolwork, what other people might think of me, etc. But I still have a hard time loving and appreciating myself for who I am.

    I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man, and I certainly trust him more than I’ve trusted any other partners before. He is as understanding as one could be of my trust issues, but I know it is upsetting for him to know I am constantly anxious about him cheating on me and me not being enough for him. I also need constant reassurance from him, and he tries diligently to meet my needs but it’s never enough to make me feel safe and secure. It also doesn’t help that our relationship is long distance. We are having a particularly hard time right now, as I am starting to become convinced that I am just capable of being happy in a relationship.

    I am, however, very glad that I found this article. This captures my experience very well, and it has helped to calm me down. My trust issues have ruined all my previous relationships, and I don’t want this one to be doomed as well. He is so special to me. I want to try to use the techniques described to reframe my outlook, but it is scary for me to try to relinquish my perceived control and trust him. I am bookmarking this page, and I am going to start making an effort to change my thought processes and let go of what happened to me before and focus on the love that I have now. I know it will take time for me to feel even moderately comfortable, but I have to start somewhere.

    Would love to hear any other thoughts/advice about my situation.

  67. Tiffany

    October 29, 2014 at 9:34 am

    I am so glad I found this article! My boyfriend is fed up and now says he needs some time to think about us. I am devastated that I have let my fears and insecurities ruin the absolute best relationship I have been in. After being cheated on numerous times with numerous women in my marriage, my self esteem has just plummeted and I am constantly critical of myself and telling myself there are such better people out there than me. It’s an everyday struggle.

    I am seeing a psychotherapist but there is only so much she can do to help. I am also on medication but that only seems to have made my anxiety worse. I do not want to lose the best guy in the world, but I can’t seem to be able to trust him, no matter what he says or does I always think there is a motive. We got into an argument, and the next day he bought me a gift, and rather than think it was a kind gesture to make up, I thought “he must have slept with someone last night and now he feels guilty!”

    What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to myself?

  68. Vina

    October 31, 2014 at 1:58 am

    my relationship is about to crash becos am scared of being cheated on and my boyfriend keeps telling me am pushing him away with my fear all the time.thank jesus i read dis article i have to adjust right now before my relationship is pulled down with my own hands.

  69. Tiffany

    November 3, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Crazy this is stuff my man tells me almost everyday. I really needed this and I was just researching random stuff. Amazing all I need to say.

  70. texmex

    November 5, 2014 at 4:38 am

    this is a good article. too many articles i read focus on blame or the offender not on the victim. my wife didn’t cheat but she almost did. so, first of all, i’m glad she didn’t but that mistake has still rocked my foundation. i’m having a very hard time trusting her. i was going crazy wondering what’s she’s doing online, on facebook, on her email addresses, etc. I was also checking her whereabouts like crazy. ultimately, i was driving myself crazy. we did talk about it but it was hard. she felt like i was snooping on her and invading her privacy. months have gone by but my suspicions didn’t improve. i now was the problem in the relationship. it was hard but i agreed to let her change all her passwords – no more snooping. it’s like you said…i have to let be what will be. i should focus more on enjoying the relationship and also getting her to enjoy the relationship. I have to trust that the if we’re meant to be, it will go well. it is hard. there are days i still fight the urge to look at her phone, at her ipad. i pull myself away and leave the room. i have to trust her if we’re going to make it. i do wonder how long this pain will last. it hurts…i keep waiting for it to subside.

  71. Lynn

    November 10, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    It’s kinda funny that I NOW come to this question of cheating…it’s not laugh funny, more I now I get to spend the nights worrying the way my ex-husband use to. I WAS the cheater. I was in a marriage of 10yrs. Don’t get me wrong there HAD to be some love there with two kids out of it. NO EXCUSES, but our marriage was turmoil from the beginning…after several separations, constant fighting, and a few too many holes in my walls I was exhausted. I met a man thru work. Professional, at first, he turned into my confidant. Someone I went to as my “vent” we got closer as time went on. A year into our friendship we started getting flirty. He knew everything about me, my relationship. Things my own husband didn’t know or care to know. Then I took that step…it was a huge step and it led to more. I ended up falling head over heels for this man. I left my husband, who I alienated more then ever before, for this man.
    A year and a half later, I am going thru what I put my ex thru. Although I have absolutely no reason to doubt my boyfriend…he has never led me to believe he’s been unfaithful, I still can’t quit looking for all those “hints”. Those little clues..those “same things” I did when I first started cheating.
    I only share this with you so you do know that ur ex that cheated isn’t sleeping well at night!! For all you ladies AND gentlemen who have and are being cheated on..YES this is our (the cheater’s) KARMA!!

  72. truthbetold

    November 18, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Personally I view cheating as a form of emotional abuse. It is way more than a spouse lying about some little thing. Another sexual partner could mean a life-threatening and/or disfiguring disease, a love-child (as happened to my own mother) and possible physical violence arising out of the jealousy from a wronged partner. Not to mention the agonizing trust issues left in the affair’s wake.

    There is simply no way in h*ll I intend on going through rebuilding a thing with my husband if he were to cheat. I could not handle it and I refuse to handle it. As I have told him, you are free to do whatever you wish and I am free to not put up with it. Implicit in that is if he decides for some bone-headed reason he wants to think with his little head instead of his big one, I am prepared to leave him. No relationship is worth my sanity.

    I completely agree with this article. Worrying about will he/she or won’t he/she is a waste of precious resources. I also think me trying to rebuild a life with someone who didn’t have the scruples to keep it in their pants is also a waste of precious resources.

  73. Tiffany

    November 26, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Thank you for your post. I am trying to figure out the best mantra for me to help diminish this fear. Any thoughts or phrases that worked for others? Please reply. Thanks

  74. tohriq

    November 28, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    hey great post i really had this problem and over came it only a month ago but once i addressed what was causing my fears and realized that me worrying about her cheating was the same like worrying about my neighbors be aliens or my dad being a secret agent…silly i know but it was that idea that made me realize i was wasting my time on what could happen and had no control over it and realized that if i concentrate about making her happy instead I’ll be able to strengthen my chance of not loosing her where being insecure could just push her into another mans arms thank’s again for the post great read glad to see there is others are facing similar demons

  75. sad

    December 9, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I am in a relationship for three years with a wonderful guy that we’ll do anything for me and says all day he Loves me but I don’t trust him I always accuse him of cheating I have never been cheated on I don’t know why I feel thus way

  76. Heather

    December 26, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    This is definitely an article i needed to read. I have been having a hard time figuring out if my husband of two years is putting himself in a situation to where he could become unfaithful with one of his ex girlfriends (who is one of his close friends now). He has shown he would do whatever it takes to keep her out of harms way and even risk going to jail by trying to take her away from her husband who can be negletful to her. Certain comments and actions have been leading to where itvseems to be more than close friendship though. I have been trying amd trying to make sure he does not lose focus that he has a wife and two children that adore him and does not want to lose him. We have tried reaching a compromise which never worked out since he would go behind my back and talk to her all the time and even go pick her up and hang out without me knowing or informing me. I feel like this friendship between him and her is consuming me and ruining what closeness we had in our marriage…but he will not chamge his mind. He will talk to his friend regardless of what I say or feel. He has already said it.

  77. Meek

    January 7, 2015 at 2:55 am

    Married 7 years, together 10…we BOTH cheated in 1st 2 years of marriage. I confessed then he confessed in retaliation. We split up, did marriage counseling and renewed our vows. Since then there have been 30+ women he’s texted, fb inboxed, face time chatted with and got caught. HE lies when I ask so i always have to ask the women what the context of the relationships are. Lately there has been one female he’s been caught talking to 3 times within a 2 month span. Its driving me crazy. I cant believe anything he says. After the 3rd time catching them they both vowed to stop talking and he’s given me access to his phone, email, and all social media. I decided after 2 weeks that I dont want to babysit him to hold him accountable. We recently started counseling (my demand or I was leaving). I want to grow old with this man and be his life partner, not just his wife. But how can I move forward knowing ive been faithful to him for 5 years while he’s continued with his antics all this time? Am I supposed to wait another 10 yrs for him to finally get it? *sigh*

  78. Duncan

    January 11, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you for this article. I must be the most insecure guy on the planet. I have always given my girlfriend’s a hard time because my mind thinks up the most horrible things all the time everyday and its so stressful for everyone involved and draining too! I want to start reassuring myself instead of constantly chasing it. Every single bullet point is me all over. The next time I feel insecure (undoubtedly tomorrow) I will tell myself that she loves me values me and that I’m important to her. Hopefully I can get into the habbit of reassuring myself so she doesn’t have to all the time. Thanks again x

  79. Star

    January 11, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    I’m in a relationship, in which he does not want a future with me..He says he has some family problems and his parents would never accept me… i’m ok with that.. but recently i feel like he has become very distant with me.. there are absolutely no sweet messages or anything like that… he calls me once a day or so.. i do not expect too much from him.. but certainly a msg saying ‘hug’ or ‘love you’ is not too much to ask, is it? i do not know why he does not respond to my texts or sound a little mysterious when i ask him something.. is it because he does not want me to get hurt as there is no future? or is it because he is not interested in me anymore or has found someone better?? I don understand what to do.. i see him online all the time.. but he does not send me any messages or anything.. i’m afraid of asking him about it as i don’t want to be humiliated with things like ‘i need to grow up’ or something like that… would be grateful if you could help me

  80. Michelle

    January 17, 2015 at 7:05 am

    I really appreciate this article, I was in 2 previous marriages and in both I was cheated on, and my last marriage was a very painful one that sent me into depression. I met a wonderful guy but I have a huge fear that he may cheat on me, his ex wife lives in the same town and she has been trying to contact me and with my past experience I am so scared. He is great with my kids and is with me almost every night since we live together and when I bring up how I feel he gets so frustrated with me and says he wants to be with me and only me. I am trying to keep my strength and head clear of negative thoughts but being cheated on continuously in my past 2 marriages has made this very hard for me, I am trying to trust again but I am finding it so difficult. I am so afraid I am going to push him away and lose him if I do not change my way of thinking, just finding it so hard to do that.

  81. tracy

    January 18, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    Great article, so many friends an family have gave the same advice. However i cant get past it still. My fiance of 12 years has cheated several times for different reasons. When we got together i was getting out of a 13 year marriage, my husband wanted kids an i didn’t otherwise we had a pretty decent marriage. The first time my new boyfriend cheated told me when i had evidence that he did it because he thought it just a matter of time that my husband an i would reunite as we still remained friends an everyone told him what a great couple we were until the children problems, so he cheated he claims for that reason. I forgave him an thought it a valid point even i might think if the tables were turned. We moved on seemingly great till i found websites chat rooms an dating sites he was on an he forgot his cell phone behind the couch one day an answered it. This girl thought i must be his mother an proceeded to ask me to rely a message. She wanted to give him the changed details of her grandmothers funeral as my boyfriend had been comforting her through this hard time an she really needed his love an support. After that once again in time i find more dating profiles of his online, one even going as far to say he had his own home loved doing home repairs an long walks with his two dogs. Well its my house i bought an renovated with my money blood sweat an tears an my two dogs he has never had dogs! These last few times he claimed he cheated( after countless denials) that i wasn’t giving him enough attention i spend too much time working fixing an renovating my new home an spent a lot of time with friends an my dogs ignoring him an his concerns, this is why he cheated yet again. I tried to play devils advocate an spent a lot of time doing exactly what he claimed he needed regardless of the fact that i don’t need constant attention an care about an have more interests other than lavishing him with love an attention constantly. Things really seemed good for many years after an i thought we had turned a corner,until i found over 300 emails one day from his ex that he always claimed he hated an found her manipulative after telling him she was pregnant with his child to keep him, he of course believed her until evidence came up it,may not be his,but her ex’s who she had been sleeping with also at the time so he always had so much hate for her an his parents constantly told him how happy they were she was out of the picture an he had finally met a Nice girl with morals an to hang onto me. I truly believed he thought the same till these 300 emails from her were staring back at me, not to mention the pictures of her naked an the spots where they had had sex. So many emails with too many points an instances that only very few people could know. Facts an arguments an suspicions i had mentioned to him, secret hiding spots an meetings, him stopping by on their lunch hours, her bra being undone after returning to work an realizing that he hadn’t done it back up after their”lunch”. Comments about following me on several occasions not knowing if it was me or actually him driving my jeep. Any way you get the idea, i confronted him an he hasn’t admitted it yet that was two years ago!! I checked his car one day way after i confronted him when he was out of town at a baseball game with his dad, or so he says! I found a i opened box of condoms two minutes after getting in on the driver side door compartment. I should mention he is a sales rep for companies an the brand of condoms i found he does sell an gives out samples to. I confronted him when he got home an he was furious to say the least that i had got into his car to spy on him, he went nuts on me!! After a few days he settled down an told me that he had given some out as samples to stores an clients, then getting angry again just talking about it, he had the nerve to blame me!! He thinks i or one of my friends created all the emails an i planted the opened box of condoms in his car in an attempt to set him up so i would have leverage in getting him out of my life an my home an people would side an have pity for me, can you believe it?? To this day he still wont admit to any of it after constant badgering from me over the last year even when I show him the emails an pictures an some with his rings i bought him over the years, some pics he sent her of himself in my car, etc etc. He still claims i or somebody set him out,and get over it an move on. He didn’t do it, he still loves me an only me, he’s not cheating with anyone an i need not worry he’s a changed man after he seen the toll the many years of cheating has done to me mentally an physically!! He wants me to forgive an forget yet again as this time he really hasn’t done anything wrong. So… How do i know he’s been faithful when some much evidence is right in front of me an his excuses are so bogus?? How do i do what you say an not worry an waste time focusing on the negative an trust an believe him? He says he will take half of everything i have an take me to court an ask i support him as i make way more money an the house, all contents an my jeep are mine only, but were looked at as common law, he claims all of this saying it as a threat to make me believe he didn’t do this most recent cheating. He claims if i don’t believe him he will go ahead with it just to try to make me understand how serious he is an that id be throwing everything away for no reason an he would wanna hurt me as much as i have him believing the lies about him cheating. I am so confused an want to be able to do what you have said as i know your right an i wanna be that person not the crazied,confused, stressed out person i have become from all this over the years. It has contributed to some serious health issues i currently have. I wanna believe him, its in my nature but honestly i just cant seem to get past it an im obsessed with needing to know the real truth, i cant go on happily with the what ifs. I really need him to come clean with me an admit it an explain why. I cant move on or even think of ever meeting somebody good because i wont be able to trust them an i fear i will always be wondering an trying to find out if i can trust them. IM 44 years old an want a normal happy life for whatever time i may have left, i just want to shut off my brain an these thoughts because its consuming me an with my current health problems i cant deal with all this stress an im not in any shape to force him out an get into the fight of my life if he would make good on his threats, but also i don’t know how to live with this or change my feelings an thoughts i constantly have an its equally bad for me right now. Please, advice from anyone right now would be greatly appreciated!!

  82. Saddend

    January 27, 2015 at 11:05 am

    A few weekends back my fiancé and I were both drunk at a bar with one of his friends. His friend was the third wheel so we decided to try to get him to talk to any girl in the bar. I spotted one, saw her from afar, thought she looked decent. He never went to talk to her. After we had left my fiancé started to toy with his friend about how he should have talked to the girl. Then after a moment of silence he turned to me as said “Hell babe, we should have just gotten her for ourselves.” I was speechless and instantly heart broken. Of course I fired back with a “no way” and ” a threesome would ruin our relationship.” All he had to say was that it was a hypothetical and that it wouldn’t be cheating if we did it together. I can’t stop thinking about it. I look at him differently and fear that he will cheat on me with another woman at some point no matter how much I please him or love him. It’s plaguing my brain.

  83. Robert

    February 13, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    So earlier tonight, my girlfriend and I got into it about some of my insecurities with our relationship which led me to this great article. We have been dating for a year and 2 months and I love this girl to death – sometimes maybe too much because it leads to me being clingy and controlling. The bad part is that I know that I am controlling but I don’t want to be. Like honestly, who enjoys getting their heart rate up and panicking because their significant other is “supposedly cheating” when really they are being extremely loyal and doing nothing wrong?
    Anyways, I had the characteristics of most of the bullet points above and they almost described my thoughts and actions perfectly.

    The reason I am writing is due to the point that was made about your other just not dealing with the insecurity and controlling nature anymore. My girlfriend warned me that this is where things were going… honestly it seemed as if she had memorized the paragraphs related to ending things because she said the exact same thing to me. I truly don’t want this to happen and that is why I searched for what possible disorders I may have to take medicine or what I could do to fix it. I am confident that she loves me enough to never do anything to me while she is in a good mood or not under the influence of alcohol or anything else. What worries me is the situation where she is in the setting of a bar with the girls and she is a little tipsy and an attractive guy walks up and she remembers something that I did that made her mad or upset before. All of these combined could be worth the betrayal. So if I had it my way, why don’t we go out together? I don’t go out alone with my friends because I don’t want her to do it. IS THERE ANY SOLUTION TO THIS AT ALL??

  84. mimi

    March 14, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Just make yourself the best most valuable person you know how and let things be.
    if after all your efforts they still dont like you and are cheating why do you need them? get rid of them for your own self esteem.
    Someone that likes you will come a long and then you will wonder why you were settling for jerks.

  85. Maria simpson

    April 3, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Found out 3wks ago my ex of20 years has been seeing his beat mates sister yet is alcohic he said wasent like that said he new what was going through as i did have a drink problem yet he rang socail sevices he donno if he loves her he has slept with her yet wonts us to try again slowely dont no what to do as if didnt find out howmuch longer would of it carried on

  86. Stressed and pregnant

    April 12, 2015 at 6:22 am

    This post really hit home for me. I find myself doing ALL of the things mentioned in the bullet points.

    I’m 31 years old and I’m with my fiance who is 33 years old. I am 4 & 1/2 months pregnant with our first baby. In many ways, my man is the man of my dreams. We are opposites, though. I am shy and introverted and hate being in social situations. He is extroverted and flirty and a people person. I know that’s just his personality and that’s something I cannot change. It is hard to deal with at times though.

    We met through a mutual friend of ours. I considered her to be one if my best friends. She used to work with him (she quit when she was about 6 months pregnant). Anyway, before I had any interest in him, she talked about him constantly even though she was engaged at the time (now married). She even told me before that if she wasn’t with her now-husband that she would want to be with him. I didn’t think much about it at the time because i didn’t care because he wasn’t mine. Then once she got married she kept trying to get me to go out with him. I eventually agreed and naturally I fell in love with him instantly.

    I moved in with him shortly after we got together. I noticed then how flirty they were towards each other and it hurt me a lot. It made me sick to my stomach every time he went to work because i knew he’d be with her all day long. Well one night, he went to the bathroom and left his phone out in the living room where I was and my curiosity got the best of me and I started looking through his phone. I looked at the text messages and I was horrified. They went back to way before we were together and she was referring to him as her “boyfriend” and then in the more recent messages she called him her “husband”. They also sent astrological sign sexual compatibility charts to each other. Why would they do that if they’re just “friends”? I was so hurt and furious and I felt helpless because I just moved in with him a few weeks before that. He came out of the bathroom and found me bawling. I told him I found the messages and he said it was all a joke between them at work and that he didn’t feel that way towards her. Which most of the inappropriate messages were all from her, he didn’t really respond much to that but then it’s hard to tell what happened in person. But he denied any wrongdoing and said he’d never hurt me like that. When I confronted her though she became completely on the defense. She said she did nothing wrong and that she’d forgive ME for even accusing her of that. Needless to say that completely ruined our friendship. She seemed to forget all the stuff she told me about him before I ever got with him. Now I can’t trust her ever again. She got pregnant around the time I got with him too so I was afraid the whole time the baby was his. I know it’s her husband’s baby though because it looks just like him.

    This has taken it’s toll on our relationship too. It has made me obsess constantly over his phone and who he is talking to. His ex kept trying to contact him too which I know is not his fault but I made him put a stop to that. I made him block certain people on Facebook. I check his phone and I check EVERYTHING.

    Like I said I am now 4 & 1/2 months pregnant with our first baby and we got engaged this valentine’s day. But I can tell I am pushing him away by the constant need for reassurance and by monitoring everything he does. He used to text me all day long at work and now I barely hear from him at all at work. He claims he’s busy but he is just as busy as he was before when he would text me all the time. I am still constantly worried and full of anxiety every time he goes to work even though she hasn’t worked there in about a half a year. I check her Facebook and get so anxious when I see she is going anywhere that he could possibly be. I don’t need this kind of stress in my life with my baby. I want to trust him but it is so hard when our relationship practically started out with reasons to immediately distrust.

    I am going to try to follow the advice on here to try to let go of the fear. But I don’t know if I can do it. I feel like I am doomed because even if he does cheat now I don’t know what I could do about it since I’m pregnant with his baby and I completely rely on him for everything now. I just feel so desperate. I hate living like this. He is my world and now our baby is too and it consumes me. I find it hard to ever feel happy anymore when I’m constantly worried that he’ll cheat and/or leave me. I just wish I could go one day without having to feel this pain.

  87. Brian

    April 22, 2015 at 6:39 am

    Great article. 1 year ago I found myself in despair and complete shock. Married 15yrs my wife was a stay at home mom and loved it. She was an Angel for all of those years. I worked a lot in order for her to stay at home with our kids.(her choice).let me first say I despise cheating and in my line of business I am in the homes with wives alone and have had numerous chances. I never cheated and in fact I always told her about any advances toward me to be honest and it was something I was proud of. I was so proud of being faithful. Our 2 boys become school aged and she started working at a local school. Long story short I found out the day she was supposed to go to dr for birth control she actually went to a co-workers house and cheated on me. A total of 5-6 times unprotected and no birth control. She lied and never once told me the truth. I had to go thru her phone to find the truth and it was something I had never done being so trusting. She became pregnant. Luckily I was blessed with another baby boy this past December and he was mine. She lied so much and through the messages she ran me down and talked down about me and I feel like she fell in love with him. She says she’s sorry and seems to be back to normal but a year later I still don’t trust her even though she’s trying. My heart is broken and I worked so hard to keep our relationship faithful since I always thought it was mostly men who cheat. I love her so much but I no longer feel like she is as special to me as she used to be. There is a lot more info to the story regarding her lying, cheating etc but being a faithful person I can’t seem to let it go and I cannot seem to get my confidence back anymore.

  88. Carolina

    April 22, 2015 at 11:43 am

    Omg this article said everything I needed to hear!
    My ex husband constantly cheated on me and it was a physically and mentally abusive relationship. He finally left me for his now ex girlfriend. I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing man for almost 2 years and I’ve had a really hard time letting go of that fear and this article made it all so clear on how useless it is to worry and what to do. I’m so glad I found this article and I’m sure I’ll be re-reading it haha THANK YOU

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