Why Worrying About Your Partner Cheating Is Pointless

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cheating spouseAsk any couple what the deal breaker is in their relationship, and a vast majority will tell you that a cheating spouse is right at the top of the list.

It’s easy to conceive why a cheating spouse can spell out the bitter end of what might otherwise have been a forever thing. It’s not just the physical betrayal, but also the loss of trust and the emotional infidelity, particularly for women.

A partner being unfaithful can also trigger intense levels of depression, low self esteem, low self worth and feelings of abandonment for the person who was cheated on. No one wants to feel as though their partner simply found someone better than they are, that they weren’t good enough to love forever.

All of this adds up to make complete sense of the fear that many people feel towards the possibility of infidelity in their relationship.

But when it comes down to it, the fear of being cheated on is a personal insecurity that only you can change.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been cheated on before, I know it’s hard to trust again. Believe me, I’ve been there. But there comes a point when you have to stop punishing yourself and say ‘What they did was about them, not about me’.

They chose to cheat because of the kind of person they are, because of the circumstances they allowed themselves to become involved in, not because you weren’t good enough.

Yet, it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been betrayed and your relationship has been fractured, and you express the fear that remains with the following kinds of actions or behaviour:

  • Insecurity about personal looks and attributes
  • Checking in on where the other person is going, or has been
  • Snooping on phones, emails or internet accounts
  • Outbursts or silent treatment if the other person talks to anyone perceived as a threat
  • A general lack of trust about the things the other person says or does
  • Arguments that arise out of the insecurity, rather than a genuine issue
  • Constantly telling the other person that you know they will leave you for someone else
  • Not wanting to go out, or socialize for fear of someone attracting your partner
  • Seeking constant reassurance
  • Searching through your partners personal items or vehicle for evidence
  • Believing even friends and family are likely affair prospects

All of these responses are understandable, but they are also complete energy and time wasters.

Obsessing about your partner cheating won’t stop it from happening.

No matter how much time you spend controlling and trying to prevent your partner straying, if the person you are in love with, is the kind of person to be disloyal, then all of the energy you put into worrying about whether they will cheat won’t stop it from happening.

You can’t control what another person does. You can only control how you think, feel and behave.

Let Go Of The Fear

It really is your choice to let go of the fear, and actively decide that you will no longer waste your energy trying to prevent, predict or control the actions of your partner, so you can feel more positive and calm in your relationship.

The first thing to do is to stop seeking constant reassurance.

Receiving reassurance can become an addiction. It feels good to have someone tell us how much they love us and would never hurt us, and it’s possible to get caught up in a cycle of creating conflict, just so you can get that hit of reassurance you’ve become hooked on.

But just like a drug, the power of that hit wears off pretty quickly when you keep taking it and soon, it’s never enough. It’s also exhausting for a partner to keep trying to convince you of their love and many will just stop if they feel like you don’t hear them anyway.

Step into your own power and nurture the belief that you are valuable, loveable and important to your partner. Provide your own reassurance when you start to feel doubtful with affirmations like ‘I am all that I need to be’, or ‘I am loved, valued and important’. Choose whatever feels good to say to your self and use it in times of fear.

Being confident and self assured is much more appealing and a kind of sexy that’s hard to stray from rather than being needy and lacking self value.

The next step is to stop worrying about those that you perceive as being more enticing to your partner than you are.

There will always be someone out there that could be considered more attractive, more interesting, funnier, richer, or smarter. It’s not about trying to measure up so that your partner will want only you, it’s about believing that you are loveable and trusting that your partner picked you for exactly who and what you are. Because they find you funny and interesting and gorgeous.

Stop missing out on enjoying time with your partner, by worrying about something that hasn’t happened, with people that aren’t part of your relationship.

Finally, stop focusing on that which you DON’T want to happen, and spend more time creating what you DO want

The universe doesn’t understand that what you are thinking about all the time is something undesirable. It takes any thought you create as a request and conspires to manifest those requests.

So, if you constantly focus on the negative thoughts around your relationship, chances are you will keep inadvertently creating negative situations between you and your partner.

Changing your thoughts, and letting go of the fear, makes rooms for more thoughts about what you really want to create in your relationship. It’s a much better way to use your energy and if you focus on how to give more love, how to strengthen your bond and create more intimacy, you’ll find you easily manifest the good loving you really desire.

Not Being Entirely Naive

All of this is not to say that you should be ignorant of any intuition or signs of infidelity.

If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns.

Having an honest, adult, and somewhat vulnerable conversation with your partner about what you’re worried about can be the difference between realizing you had the wrong end of stick and getting on with loving each other, or letting your mind run away with the worst case scenario and having that fear ruin your relationship.

Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love.

I’d love for you to share your insights or comments below. Have you been cheated on before? How did you handle it? And do you still carry that fear with you? What will YOU do to let it go today?

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About rachaellay

224 Comments

  1. Tina

    January 14, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Love this article and focusing on what you DO want instead of the opposite xxx

    • rachaellay

      January 18, 2013 at 5:10 pm

      As my gran used to say, “Don’t borrow trouble”. Our energy is much better placed in the positive, as you know lovely. Thanks for dropping by : ) xoxo

      • Melissa

        July 18, 2015 at 9:36 am

        read your article, why worry about your partner cheating. I have a question regarding what you said about stop focusing on which you DON’T want to happen, and spend more time creating what you DO want.
        My question is could ones thoughts of him cheating can manifest him to cheat? I’m a believer in our thoughts have power and we can create good and bad things with our thoughts. So I’m curious if ones thoughts affect someone else. What’s your thoughts on this?

      • Melissa

        July 18, 2015 at 9:38 am

        could ones thoughts of him cheating can manifest him to cheat? I’m a believer in our thoughts have power and we can create good and bad things with our thoughts. So I’m curious if ones thoughts affect someone else. What’s your thoughts on this?

      • Lewis

        October 27, 2015 at 6:41 pm

        I’ve been in a relationship and the thing is she broke up with me and barely there was no answer to why. She need space and trust me I’ve been good to her. she was my first and should know how that is.now we are back together she said sorry. i was broken from the inside but i forgave her the only thing that ran through my mind was the good times we had but in the other side is the brake up and her finding out that the guy after she broke up with me was a rude,mean,and or just didn’t care but is the fact she found out was she did was wrong i felt bad so i gave her a chance because i love her but is it wrong i don’t trust her as much because im scared it will happen again because the was just no answer for what she but when i read this.it showed me i have to believe again so thank you maybe there was a reason she came back

      • mememe

        January 6, 2016 at 10:15 am

        thanks,I think you dont need to tell your partner she cheated ,just be happy giving warning and try to get another sex partner before you let her try there more stunt ……..Just vigina !

    • anna

      July 8, 2014 at 5:49 am

      I totally agree with you that this is a great article. I read it at a point when I was sure that I’m spiraling into doubts about my partner. This article really helped put things in perspective. I’m going to bookmark it for when distress strikes!

      • Elizabeth

        July 16, 2015 at 6:54 pm

        Amen

      • Adelaide

        September 14, 2015 at 3:36 pm

        I wish had read this article a week ago. I think it would have really helped. I have not been able to trust my partner after finding out he was unfaithful 6 months ago, even though he has given me every reassurance necessary and I honestly know he has been faithful but I can’t seem to get over it. I punish him daily for it with arguments and attitude and he finally left today.

    • Mothers son

      September 25, 2014 at 10:47 am

      This is a great article. My situation is that I have narrowed down my lack of trust in my present partner to a few things. First, my father was a cheater and I believe that as a child growing up in this environment…I absorbed much of what was going on..my mother’s suffering. Second, at 7years old my same father sat me down and told me that “no one can be trusted in life and everyone will let me down”. What a thing to tell a child?? Third, I carried these seeds and watered them until they became trees in all of my future relationships. I was always suspicious of everyone I was with…and ruined a few relationships because of my insecurities. I can admit that I looked at people of the opposite sex..wondered about them…and this along with my roots created situations where I believed every woman was a cheater…except my mother of course. Currently, my wife has is in boot camp…and this is really challenging for me. She has lied in the past relating to “looking at a man”..or “smiling at a man”…”or one time she lied about going to lunch with a guy who she wanted as a client ..(at the time she owned a painting company). The one thing I asked her never to do, was to lie to me. These lies along with my past, along with the fact that she cheated on her first husband…(she was upfront about it and explained why)….is making my life while she is in basic training around 70 men a living hell. I feel like just doing my best to forget about her while she’s gone so that I can function, but not sure if that’s the best solution. If I think of her, I worry and stress about things beyond my control. She continues to reassure me that she’s not interested in any other men…but it never feels like enough…just as you mentioned in this article. Any thoughts would be wonderful! This article directly hit a few areas I’m struggling with, so thank you so much for writing it.

      • Emma

        July 4, 2015 at 3:21 pm

        I totally understand you!

      • dana

        September 11, 2015 at 10:39 am

        Dear mothers son – I know the feeling of stewing and wondering what he or she is doing. I’m a women but opposite end. I had a similar upbringing but I’m a woman and my mom was the cheater. My mom is selfish,thinks she is “it”, and has priorities mixed up. Very rare in a woman to cheat if they are in a loving relationship. Now something I know about women – it’s unlikely we cheat unless a guy treats us really really bad (like they break up for a short period of time) or that guy causes us great insecurities (like we feel they are cheating). Unlike most guys I know, us women get very attached to who we are with – 3 is a crowd – I think our sexual urges are a little different from a mans (most of us) in sowing the seeds! I know in my case every guy I’ve been with had cheated on me and I found out (via friends afterwards 9/10 times). But there are people probably like your partner that if they are happy and love you. It’s unlikely they will cheat. Especially a woman – I hung around in a lot of woman circles of athletes and non of them were cheaters. We all were around tons of guys had lots of opportunity if we wanted to take it. We loved the attention when we went out…But non of us cheated since to have someone that cares deeply is more important (security on a few levels – if you offer that you are fine). Women also have the incredible ability to realize as we grow – the grass is not greener on the other side. On another note given the respect factor. Being her in a boot camp I imagine she is taught “respect” being one of the most important factors. I know respect is a huge thing that makes me not wonder – if I respect my man and he is decent to me – I won’t cheat (even if the physical is terrible). To your note on being insecure about her – I have the same feelings with a guy I’m dating today – for 8 months (my BF). He teaches his students (Councillor) respect for women as important and brings me roses for god stakes every month for our anniversary. But I still stew when he is out with his buddies even if I got the roses that day and breakfast in bed. Drives me nuts I can’t stop my mind wondering when he is out. But – one thing that might help you. He and I talk about it – my insecurities. He tries to make me feel better by doing things that don’t bring out those insecurities (he tries hard). My sister has the same insecurities and her an her hubby have figured it out – they talk about it and he does everything in his power to help her not feel insecure – even if it’s just calling at 10pm when he is out just to say hi and what he is doing. I only hope your wife tries to do that for you – tries to snuff out things that make you insecure. I find also – when you have those feelings – go for a walk, drive, see your friends – get the heck out of Dodge. Sometimes I’ve been able to calm my mind – by distracting my mind. Sometimes nothing works and I “throw up” mad all over my BF. But that’s ok – everyone has a moment of weakness. That’s when I say “I’m sorry and I’ve got to address this in my head”. All I can do is say I relate and give you support. It’s a common thing for people with our history. And all we can do is try to not think about that – sometimes easier said than done.

      • Olivia

        September 30, 2015 at 12:59 pm

        I understand to a point. A distrustful childhood can torment your adult relationships. Some of us who choose to learn from their parents mistakes instead of do, is helpful but can make us excessively wary. For me its control. I never wanted to reach out and be in a relationship to risk letting someone in my life I couldn’t control that could so strongly effect my happiness. Part of relationships are letting go and not being in control. You can’t know everything and if you did does it make a painful situation better? Not often. You might be more prepared but it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt any less.

        My circumstances are unique, but I don’t get into them. I over-analyze. If I get into it and discuss it again, I give it power to overrun my thoughts, I can only think about it so much… I can only ask to clarify so much. My partner is continually trying to prove the situation. Be cautious but aware your cautiousness can lead to harm. And don’t buy into the mantra of the past always dictates the present(once a, always a…) otherwise improvement or progress wouldn’t exist. Patterns are a better predictor of the future. Do you look at one child growing up badly and think thats how all people will be ? no? then you can’t look at one issue and think it will always be like that. I am trying to learn this. Luckily my partner has the patience of a saint. But most won’t. You can drive them away. But I am compassionate of you all. I have am an obsessive thinker no matter what it is, so I scrutinize every little irrelevant detail.
        I need to as well adhere to some points in the article and additionally living in the now. Worrying about what has happened or what will, you loose living in the present.
        I also know that finding others who have been in a similar situation seems to help but often it can be a “trigger” and if you are those types avoid triggers. I realize I shouldn’t have looked here commented here, reading the comments are my trigger. (if you don’t know about triggers you can learn more on abuse forums)
        Good luck to all.

      • Terina

        October 12, 2015 at 11:03 am

        don’t worry about basic, she will not have time to talk to a man, in fact u get in trouble for even looking at a man or talking to him unless told to do so, im an army vet trust me, theres no time or want or need for the opposite sex in basic training, that’s the least likely place she could cheat so take a deep breath about basic!

      • Fathers Daughter

        February 1, 2016 at 6:00 pm

        Hi Mothers Son, My father cheated on my mom around the age of 7 and I took the whole situation very personally. I felt my mother’s pain and absorbed a lot of her fear, insecurity and anxiety. I too have had issues trusting people and it is still an issue for me in my current relationship. Now I am deciding to heal because I don’t want to go on living in fear. I am fearful of my partner watching and looking at pornography, going on social media, and public and social situations. My realization is that it is not about my partner, it is about me being insecure because of my past and the beliefs that I agreed to back then when I was a young child. I need to do the work to heal this because I will carry it with me to any relationship I have in the future. I feel that our partners are perfect reflections for calling out our healing, if we can be string enough to take the opportunity to look at and face it. My partner is very trustworthy and honest. I feel his honesty is what I needed to propel me into this desire to heal this and not just to live with it for the rest of my life. He did tell me that he is attracted to other women and that he likes to look at them (this is normal but terrifying for people “like us”) and also that pornography is a part of his life that he does not want to give up. He does not abuse these things but of course, him telling me these things created panic and fearful thoughts. I think that the thoughts are our fears of experiencing the feelings of loss, abandonment, deceit and not feeling good enough, for examples. I encourage you to make your own list of what you fear feeling. I am going to speak with a counselor who specializes in spiritual counselling and relationships this week. Find someone to talk to because you don’t have to do this alone. Write down what you fear experiencing. Make notes and get it down on paper. Not only did I lose my trust in people, I lost my trust in life. I want to trust life again! I believe that we can heal! It will take time but the effort with be worth it.

    • john

      December 5, 2014 at 7:52 am

      I have been cheated on in 5 relationships wether physically ,or on date sites or face book. I am currently in a relationship with a woman I truelly love and adore . but must say my fears are ruining it. This artical gave me some tips I’m gonna try them . I’m just really scared as I wasn’t good enough for them so think I’m not for her,I am always asking for reassurance. I have horrible anxiety I am willing to try these tips out thanks good artical

      • Ffire

        March 9, 2015 at 9:11 am

        John ur not alone, my ex of 9years cheated on me with a Thai bird online, even though I kno it’s was all him I can’t help but panic if my bf now has a bad day n is a bit distant I implicitly trust the bf I’m with now as I’ve known him from college and I’m very grateful that he accepts me for me, but I still have things to work through as my ex was emotionally abusive and at some points hands on.
        But I think the thing I’m most worried about is pushing him away with my stupid insecurity that I never had, I’m a different person to who I was in college more vunerable less open emotionally and this I need to work on, thinking that I’ve pissed him off, or I’ve not cooked a nice meal and the rush of panic that I’ve said something wrong but unable to ask for fear of being shouted at etc even tho I know he’ll say aww Hun n give me a hug.

        I hope those who cheat will get to understand how destroying it can be more so than just being truthful and saying I’ve fallen out of love with u.
        For the rest of us we need to realise who we want to be, change our friends if need be and grow to understand that if your never learning your never going forward with your life your standing still just watching life go by.

        • Cia_Arsenal

          February 9, 2016 at 9:18 pm

          Hi guys,

          I am in the same boat. Was with my ex for almost 5 years. Then found out he was cheating on me. I was crushed as I had put my whole life into this relationship. 6months after that I met a wonderful guy, we met up about 6 years before I started dating my ex. We hitted it off and we have now been together for almost a year and my insecurities are getting the better of me. We don’t live together as it is a little too early for that but we see each other often but the minute we not apart my anxiety kicks in and I tend to over think things. he always tried to reassure me but it doesn’t really help. I am in need of serious help or else I am going to lose him cos eventually he is going to get fed up

    • john

      December 5, 2014 at 7:59 am

      I am struggling with all that with my wife. I constantly fear her cheating . I’m totally about being reassured.but doesn’t work I hope this artical. Does cause I’m losing her due to my anxiety over it.

      • Melissa

        July 18, 2015 at 9:42 am

        I struggle the same as you. It’s getting worse, I constantly need reassured. Now reading this article I wonder if our thoughts can create them to cheat, sounds silly but I know our thoughts can create things. I hope things are getting better for you!

    • tisha

      April 6, 2015 at 6:32 am

      I really like this article, especially the very end section. My fiance and I have been like peanut butter and jelly for six years; we’ve just really enjoyed each others company. Last week when I got home from work he told me he was taking a rather sudden vacation alone (something we always do together) and that he was taking another woman who needs a ride part-way to his destination, there and back. I then discovered he is seeking a fling on one of those cheater-type sights. I have gently shared my feelings about the vacation and how hurt I am, and that I’m not comfortable with the addition of another woman. I have not addressed the online search, however. I have no proof that anything has happened but I am crushed. My head and intuition are saying go but my heart keeps saying hang on and see what happens, the vacation is next week. I’ve been rather unhinged for the last week and don’t know what to do. I don’t consider myself a naive or dumb person but this is new for me and I’m scared.

      • Heather

        April 23, 2015 at 8:42 am

        You need to call him on all of it. If he is in the “Fog” of the affair he will make YOU look crazy he will project it all back on you. I’ve seen it too many times. I believe your gut is right and I’m sorry.

      • Rebekah

        May 6, 2015 at 5:58 am

        Tisha.. what happened. Was it as u feared or was everything ok?

      • P

        December 3, 2015 at 2:07 pm

        This is not just fear/your anxiety, he has actually given you signs/proof. Don’t let him make you think you’re crazy.

    • Betty

      April 10, 2015 at 5:01 pm

      June 2014, my annus horribilis, I discovered my husband of 20 years was cheating on me with an old friend. They had discovered each other on Facebook, got together and started a relationship. When I found out, he blamed me for pushing him away. The same man who once told me he loved me more than anything and anyone, told me he believed there was nothing left in the relationship, that while we argued over business and kids and work, she made him happy, and that he didn’t love me anymore and only duty and our two kids were keeping us together. I broke down and cried and he then said he will break it off as he did not know I loved him. He did and we spent a painstakingly month building it up in between my bouts of anger of betrayal, depression, clingy behaviour and nervous reactions. I was difficult with my mood swings but at the same time I tried desperately to change myself to be the woman he wanted. I wanted to make him happy, to forget her, to have him back for me….so I read many websites on how to soldier on in spite of the pain, how to change my behaviour to be more carefree and happy, I talked less of work and of things that he wanted to talk about. We had sex as often as he wanted. And the sex was good. And for two months I believed we had rediscovered ourselves and were building up a solid relationship, but then I discovered he was still contacting her. Still telling her he loves her, while telling me I was everything in the world to him. I still forgave him, thought it was just time to get over her, and continued changing me. We went for therapy, but though I was making enormous leap and bounds to move from the chaotic, almost suicidal place I was to being a woman who was loving her man the best she could, inside I was a mess who was constantly looking over my shoulders, wondering is he is really ‘over her’, if she is contacting her without my knowledge, seeking reassurance everytime like a baby. I am generally a strong, confident, and beautiful woman who makes heads turn everytime I enter a room, but I have been reduced to a quivering mass of low self-esteem, fear, jealousy and nothingness. Everytime I think I am getting better, something comes up, I discover something, and my life spirals out of control. And he gets angry and impatient with me, and even yells at me, and threathens to walk away because I don’t give him peace of mind. I ask myself why I don;t have the courage to end it, and the answer is I have spent so much time and effort in this marriage to walk away, and I truly love him because he is otherwise good to me, kind and gentle. I am 46 , a bit too late to start life all over again, and I have two beautiful kids whose lives I don;t want to upset. I wonder if this nightmare will ever end, and I will ever be whole again.

      • Catty

        April 29, 2015 at 10:20 am

        Betty I’m going through a similar thing, I’m 28 and have been with my guy 5years. Our baby is 11months old and the last 6 months hes said ‘i don’t know if I love you or not’ we sleep in separate rooms and in these 6months he has been very secretive on his mobile, to the point where he changes his pin code regular. I would just prefer her said it’s over than waiting in this limbo. I’m on diazapam now and citapram…..so so down :(

        • Elizabeth

          July 16, 2015 at 7:03 pm

          I would LOVE to talk with you we have the same situation mama

      • constance

        April 29, 2015 at 3:30 pm

        My husband of 25 years cheated on me, I found out through txt message s. I have been a wreck every since. Also I went into his online phone actt and see a pattern of messages in and out messages I can’t help but think they have resulted to txt when I check his phone they are not there. What do I do its driving me crazy.

        • jim

          May 26, 2015 at 12:21 pm

          I feel your pain believe me. My wife of 32yrs did the same,we were in bed and she got a text. It was like the oxygen was sucked out of my lungs. What bothered me the most was that she really didn’t even cared that she was really breaking my heart.

      • Melissa

        May 4, 2015 at 3:18 am

        My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

      • Betrayed

        May 17, 2015 at 7:13 pm

        You are NOT too old. He is at fault – it is not you. There is no lack in you and feeling angry is normal. Instead of trying to be what that LYING CHEATING SLUT BASTARD wants you should remind yourself of WHAT YOU WANT. HONESTY. LOVE. LOYALTY. SUPPORT. Someone who cares about you, would NEVER hurt you and will be there no matter what. Someone YOU CAN TRUST. He fails on every front – BADLY – and (believe me I know it’s hard) but I hope you realise THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER.
        I TRUELY HOPE THERE IS A SPECIAL KIND OF HELL FOR ALL THE WORLDS CHEATERS as they deserve to experience pain.

      • Ange

        July 12, 2015 at 11:16 am

        Betty, your story really struck a chord with me. You described, in almost perfect detail, the exact same scenario I went through with my ex husband.

        When I first found out he cheated I was bowled over with the hurt. I didn’t want to lose him. I tried and tried to be someone I wasn’t and deep inside I was hurting and an emotional mess. Every time he picked up his phone I would ask who it was. He had the cheek to be cross with me!!

        Anyway, we patched it up as best we could and stayed together another 6 years. Like a broken vase, we could be glued back together and look o.k but it would never hold water again, just like our relationship.

        He cheated again with another person and like an absolute fool I still stayed! In the end he started working so much I barely saw him and in that space I realised how mean he was. How much I deserved better. What would I do in 10 or 15 years when the kids leave home? Be stuck with that selfish man!

        I’m not saying the separation was easy, I struggled and cried for weeks. It was like a bereavement. I was so used to the constant reassurance I sought from him that I found it hard to move on. I kept saying “one day at a time” and within 2 months I was feeling o.k.

        I met a wonderful man who loves me the right way. I look back now and think why the hell did I give my ex so much love?! He never deserved it. I laugh every day now, I have fun. The fear has gone about cheating and I am very, very happy. My kids are happier because I am
        and they adore my new partner. I am expecting our first baby this November.

        Betty, I don’t know how things have been since you posted but please, please consider setting yourself free from the worry. It never ever leaves you once the trust has been broken.

        I hope you feel better soon x

      • Exie Gomez

        July 22, 2015 at 10:14 am

        Hi Betty,

        I read your comment and I can’t help but notice that we are going through a very similar situation and they way you feel is exactly how I am currently feeling now. It is as if I was describing myself, but I never knew how to put it into words. I know you wrote your comment in April and I was wondering how you are doing now?

      • Liyana

        November 22, 2015 at 3:10 pm

        Three years on. I wonder what happened to this lady in this story. Hopefully she is in a better place. Ive been divorced and remarried. Fear is still there of cheating spouses. But when I really think about it. Why does it matter so much? There’s more fun to be had when the dark days are done.

      • Kaya

        January 9, 2016 at 12:18 am

        Betty, I truly wish the best for you. My advice, Walk away. You will crash and you will burn. You have made far to many compromises for this individual and he obviously does not recognize this. Take accountability and show some self worth. Other wise he will walk over you and you will submit.

        There is no saving this in my eyes, you done your part and he didn’t do his. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”

        Your kids will understand, take them and leave.

        This is my advice.
        Regards, Kaya.

    • Rachael

      July 4, 2015 at 11:39 pm

      I love this article! I’m gonna try & keep my mind positive. My problem is that I have been in two long term relationships both with were physically & mentally abusive. But now I’ve found someone who I completely adore, the only problem is were 4000 miles apart so only get to see each other every 3 months and it’s much cheaper for me to travel there. When were together I have the best time ‘& I just deel so loved. However when I come home I just feel so lonely and I’m constantly worried that he’s going to cheat on me because I feel like he can do much better. We met online 7 months ago & would skype for hours every day, eh was meant to come and see me two months later but his grandad was sick so couldn’t. Then ive been over twice to see him for two week durations & I’m going again in 6 weeks time for a month then he’s meant to be coming over to see me at Christmas. But I can’t help but think he’s not coming and he’s just gonna find someone much much better. I know this won’t make much sense because I’m just sat writing all my random feelings down but I feel like I needed to get it off my chest!

  2. Adrienne

    April 22, 2013 at 10:07 am

    This article is so important to me & hit so many significant points I’m just glad I read it because I totally feel like my unconscious mind could’ve written this if I wasn’t too busy being obsessed with rather my husband will cheat or not (military wife). Thank u so much for the advice Rachael Ray, I must do better!

  3. Mae

    July 4, 2013 at 5:01 am

    This is wonderful and exactly what I needed to read and think on. Thank you for outlining it so perfectly!

  4. Jeanette

    July 24, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I understand what you are trying to get at. My husband of 33 years had a secret infatuation with a college girl and emailed her daily and even in front of me at a party made plans to meet her for coffee. All because they were on a church committee together. She was interested in studying something he was interested in and he is 40 years older. Evidently she was impressed by how well he wrote and discussed things in the committee and he loved compliments. But he took them to heart and wrote her a secret gift letter accompanying our family’s graduation gift. She thought he had specially chosen the item and only thanked him in a letter signed “All MyLove” I thought it was weird but did not think of it again. And then found out months later that nightly emails pages long all about compliments and intellectual discussions and taking this teenage as a seriously emotionally mature adult (which he told her and praised her for) resulted in return compliments. I forced him to stop and since then he has lied about following her whereabouts on the Internet and says no contact but wants me to get over it so he can be friends again. But he blurted out to me last year that he loved her but he didn’t think she loved him back. Meanwhile our daughter is still friends with her on Facebook and that is where he occasionally got his info. Bottom line is he won’t Change churches, al this is a big secret from everyone and I don’t trust he is over this “one sided infatuation” as he likes to call it. The only way I could not worry about it is if he never touched me again so I don’t have to wonder if he is getting off on imagining her instead of me. It is awful. So I don’t know what to do. I am trapped as he said if I leave him that is my choice not his because he has “moved on” and just wants to be friends with her. Awful. Help

    • steph

      January 4, 2015 at 5:42 am

      Jeanette, that sounds awful. Men who become attracted to, and act on the attraction to, significantly younger women always make me feel uneasy. The main thing that they seem to get from it is a boost of their own ego, and no doubt they benefit from the naivety of women who haven’t learned that kind older men usually (sadly) hope for more than friendship. And being fairly young myself, I have the recent experience of men doing this who use their wives as an excuse. If they make a woman uncomfortable, then all of a sudden they are bringing up how they are married and any suggestive comments are all in our heads. It’s gross.

      Love this article btw. So true, I want to work on letting go of past hurts to enjoy the good things. :)

    • nicole lynn

      January 5, 2015 at 7:33 am

      I have been w my sons dad for ten yrs. We stopped living together but were still having sex and then i get call from my daughter he had pics of this girl i know and him hugging and together at a bar i go straight to her house he was there i walk in beat her up..she is the town slut and drunk and tried this with another ex…he left her alone started seeing his friends wife they had just seperated..he had never done this before.it devastated me i lost a hundred pounds in a month i slit my wrists i am 36 hes 33…i begged and pleaded with him to leave the last girl alone,cause he was crazy over her in just a few months.but he would come,see me and then lie to her and,say i was lying when id tell her..well we just moved back in together 3 months ago..and its been hell..he treats me bad he calls me names,cussea me he pays me,no attention..i caught him riding by the exs house a couple weeks ago..he said he was looking for me..bullshit…when he gets caught he gets mad and,says im crazy..i stay worried hes looking at those girls facebooks or wanting them..i cry everyday.im so sad and hurt on the inside…i just cant leave him i want to but i love him

      • James

        June 26, 2015 at 8:04 am

        I will first say that im not without flaws as I am fighting my own battle and trying to clean up my own mess, but in my current situation which isnt in any way in comparison to yours, I’d say pray to God and let him take control and show you the way. Now my personal opinion is for you to leave. And leave now before it get fatal. Because you said that you already slit your wrist. Next may be you harming him because of a nevous break down. Hope you find solice in whatever you decide.

    • Amethyst

      January 7, 2015 at 6:39 am

      You know, I was just talking to an older and married man about these issues (he’s the father of my boyfriend) and he just told me that sometimes sh*t happens. I thought to myself: What a broad and almost thoughtless answer, but I do see what he means. I agree but don’t agree at the same time. Yes sometimes we screw up- we can’t help the first glance. The second glance,however, is all up to us. Your husband has done WRONG by deliberately lying to you and betraying you even after being confronted and after knowing the damage he’s doing. Bottom line is, he’s being incredibly selfish and YOU DESERVE BETTER. Yes, sh*t happens. No, you don’t have to take it. I don’t know when you wrote this and what has happened between now and then but I’d love an email back. smoke.alh@gmail.com

    • David

      January 11, 2015 at 4:11 pm

      He doesn’t care about your feelings or he’d change church… At least. It’s not about infidelity, he isn’t looking after you the way you deserve. Stop wasting your thoughts on him and move on, be proud of yourself for respecting yourself enough to do this. This is a good example to your daughter also or one day she may accept the same pain. so I think you have a better life to look forward if you take his power away by respecting yourself, without him destroying yourself esteem. Sorry for your pain, now stop acting like a victim and see the reality. Your life is waiting for you.

      • jill..

        January 6, 2016 at 10:38 am

        David… very empowering advice.. I find myself pleased with the fact that you are a male reaching out to help a female regain self love… if only the other males mentioned within these comments shared your knowledge on how the female population should be shown their worth… hats off to you sir…..

    • brea

      January 29, 2015 at 4:29 pm

      Oh hun, this is such a sad story. Your husband really hasn’t treated you fairly… in a healthy partnership he would have immediately cut contact with any woman he was attracted to before it escalated so far, and it doesn’t sound like he has given you good reason to believe this won’t happen again or that the situation is truly over. I’m not saying he’s a bad person… but if you desire a monogamous and trusting relationship it sounds like you need to move on and find someone who wants that too.

    • Mike

      February 8, 2015 at 7:14 am

      I’m really sorry to hear that. I think it might be best if you left him. If he said he loves her, that’s a red flag. His loss

  5. Steve

    July 26, 2013 at 10:31 am

    I was in a 5-year committed relationship relationship when I was cheated on. Subsequent relationships have all revolved around the trust issues that resulted from the cheating. I finally resolved to not let old pain and bitterness infect new relationships, and met the lady that would eventually become my current wife. But resolving to do something, and actually DOING that thing, can be much easier said than done. I’m 4 years in to my marriage and I’m still struggling internally with the trust issues. I keep all of those thoughts to myself, but I’m going to have to sit down and talk to her about all of it. Clear the air, so to speak. She needs to know that I’m dealing with this in the very vest way I can for the both of us. And I need some occasional reassurance that she knows what I’m going through and that she is committed to the spirit and the words of our marriage commitment.

  6. becky

    September 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Thank you so much for this article. Sometimes it is comforting for someone to remind you that your fears are simply manifestations of your anxiety and worry. I am in a relationship with a man I have been seeing for two years. We currently live together and he works out of town for weeks at a time. Even though he has remained faithful to me and I have no reason to believe otherwise I am still constantly wondering if he could and would cheat on me. Sometimes I am idiot and address these fears to him which only angers and frustrates him. I end up making myself look weak and insecure which is terribly unattractive. I shoild be enjoying the relationship and enjoying my life with him but sometimes its hard with my crazy thinking. I know what I need to do to change this thought process and I need to put it into action fast or I will lose him. I was hurt badly in a previous relationship that I ended when the cheating became a problem and its so unfair to my current partner that I have trust issues.

    • May

      December 12, 2014 at 4:37 am

      Has he done, said, anything that causes you to doubt his loyalty? Is he ‘just friends’ with exes (whom you probably never meet)? Do you get a niggling feeling that something just isnt right? Women need to trust their instincts. If you are uneasy then decide how you can alleviate your uneasiness. A loyal, compassionate partner with nothing to hide will want to reassure you that he is on the up and up. Do not ignore your gut feeling.Too many women are shocked when they discover infidelity. But in reality, all along their gut was telling them there was something wrong. Peace.

    • Shane

      December 4, 2015 at 2:16 pm

      I have been experiencing similar thoughts and feelings lately about my wife cheating on me. I really understand the idea that this is an insecurity issue and that i need to change because its a relationship killer. I also understand the psychological theory in how to deal with these unhelpful thoughts, however the thoughts keep coming back, i feel awful and act accordingly. I have periods of clarity and rational thoughts throughout the day but i keep wanting to find “new evidence” that my wife is cheating or about to cheat. I am confused because she is more private with her Facebook account and has her phone with her constantly. The other thing I find confusing is the contradictory advice you get. For example there is no evidence, its all in your head or follow your gut felling/intuition. I find myself constantly drifting between the two concepts. Its tiring and sickening.

  7. Carla

    September 25, 2013 at 3:45 am

    This article reiterated what I’ve been telling myself lately…that I cannot control other’s actions, only how I react to them. I was cheated on years ago by a pathological liar who became violent when I protested his transgressions, which were too aberrant to even go into. That’s a book, not a paragraph. I feel I came away from that relationship with PTSD which has carried over to, and ultimately destroyed, every other relationship that I’ve had. Now I’m in the relationship that I’m supposed to be in, and am in fear of losing him to another woman, or to mental exhaution due to my constant need for reassurance. I agree that men are attracted to confidence more than looks, so I’m motivated to try and rectify my way of thinking and let go of my need to be in control. There is no maintaining control over one’s significant other in a relationship. Only that which you have over yourself. Great article, thank you!

  8. tie

    October 11, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    this article really is the truth. after being ran around on for almost 7 years, i finally left. whiles i was with this ‘guy’ i truly believed he’d never do what he was doing, even after proof. i was too caught up in him to accept reality. and part of that was my own low self esteem. getting the courage to leave was hard, but i did.. and i am finally with someone who treats me wonderful and we are engaged and having a baby, but sometimes i still worry he will do what my ex did. i need constant reassurance and i blame him when i dont know anything bc i expect to be lied to. getting over being cheated on never goes away, but i guess ya just gotta move on and try to believe you are valueable and somebody really does love you and not everybody you meet will hurt you. otherwise, you or anybody you are ever going to be with will never be happy. its stressful worrying about being cheated on, but its stressful being blamed for nothing also. thanks rachael!

    • ron

      November 5, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      I absolutely can relate to this . My life has been a mess this past 5 years. I cant stop the thought of all these things. Ive evened considered suicide. I pray that nobody endures what ive went through. Its horrible to always think your wife is cheating and lying all the time. I cant do it no more…..

      • Elizabeth

        July 16, 2015 at 7:25 pm

        Ron are you ok now baby?

      • Shane

        December 4, 2015 at 2:20 pm

        I have only had these awful thoughts and feelings for 3 months Ron. It is the worst thing I have experienced I can say. Hope your OK

  9. Bella

    October 18, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Great article! Question is when you’ve been cheated on numerous times how do you let go of the fear. I get that focusing on it or negative thoughts can create it but how in fact do you move on?

  10. JohnnaB.

    November 5, 2013 at 5:50 am

    I feel this article saved my life .. Thank you- going through a situation like this can really take a toll on a human being, it’s extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you hold it in and don’t talk to anyone about it. I believe this was so meant for me to stumble across today. Thank You..

  11. Nickie

    November 30, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    My ex boyfriend of 3.5 years left me for another woman and it hurt so much. I am currently in a new relationship with a great guy, but I am constantly letting my fear of losing someone again, ruin my relationship. It’s not fair on him and pretty much all of those actions that I project out of insecurity, I do. I’ve been searching and searching the internet for a good article about how to deal with my anxiety and worrying and nothing’s helped. But then I came across your article tonight and it has changed my perspective so much! It’s inbelievable. Everything that you said was so powerful and really relatable too. This is an awesome article and you are an awesome person for providing this kind of support for individuals like me who have had a rough time when it comes to relationships.

    • mimi

      March 14, 2015 at 6:59 am

      you should tell this to my gf because i think i will dump her today.
      I am tired and wont reassure her any more.

  12. Danielle

    December 12, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Hi I have been struggling with trust issues for a long time iam only 21 but iv been in two long term relationships, one which iam in now, and this issue has been basically draining me and had gotten to the point where it was sucking the joy out of my current relationship and draining my partner. I literally would get on edge over any little thing, imagine the worst case scenario, accuse him, have myself upset, stressed when he went out on his own once or twice and generally suspicious. Your article has really helped me. I wont be presuming it will happen any more il presume it wont. I find the only thing that gets that deep down fear away is to think so what if he did? Id get over it. Not because I dont love him but because I need to feel that I have that strength. Everyone tells me how hes not like that as in the cheating type and in the past he has never cheated on anyone he was cheated on by his ex though. I dont want him to be walking on egg shells though and I dont want him to feel controlled because thats what happened to him in the past with his ex and its just cruel. I have to believe in him.

  13. Jessica

    December 20, 2013 at 12:34 am

    Thank you for this post. It’s really opened my eyes. I’m really scared my partner may be losing interest because I keep asking for reassurance that he loves me and cares about me. I don’t know if I should be worried as he’s become very distant and doesn’t particularly want to come see me anymore. People I know are saying to leave him, but I just love him too much. I’ve tried talking to him about whether or not he’s cheating, but he says he isn’t and I make the effort to believe him, however I still feel like he’s lying. We’ve been through so much during the 5 years we’ve known each other, with breaking up many times and moving out of our place together because we needed space, that I’m just not sure he is truly in love with me anymore. I feel he’s more in love with what we were than what we are now. I don’t know how to feel or act anymore. I find myself getting more depressed everyday because of all this worrying. I just don’t know where to go from here.

  14. maria

    January 1, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    Hello my name is maria. Im 22 years old married to 26 year old man. I got married at 20 but met my husband at 19. Before him i never had a boyfriend that I actually cared about. I never loved any of them. I was actualy kinda horrible id use men for whatever. But with my husband it was so diffrent. But now its going on 6 years together. And ive been so insecure of myself and the list you have above that starts with insecuritys about personal look & attributes. I have every single problem you listed. Except I have never been hurt or cheated on before in any previous relationship. Im so scared because im ruining my marriage im so scared im pushing my husband away. I dont know where to turn to help. Please any advice will help. I wany nothing more than to strt this new year 2014 with a complete turn around. I want me and my husband to rebuild that happiness

  15. ally

    January 19, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    This article is great advice. But i dont feel strong enough to take it. I have a tough time trusting and i hate that i hate not trusting my husband i try to be cool about it and push my feelings aside but i end up, at one point or another, exploding with emotions and he doesnt understand what hit me!! Ughh why is it so difficult to be a woman.. being insecure of our bodies especially after having babies, worrying about what we look like our hair is it the right shade of blonde are my clothes sexy for him willl he see me when i get out of the shower .. what does he think when he sees me without clothes? Does he regret geting married so young? Does he look at other girls then think of them after when we r being intimate. The list goes on. I am honestly obssessed i dont know what to do anymore. I act strong so it doesnt make me look weak but i reach a breaking point and shit hits the fan. I need strength to follow this advice.

    • Dayana

      September 20, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      Your comment is exactly how I feel and what happens to me I know my husband won’t cheat on me deep down I know but then this random thoughts start coming to my mind and I over thig and wonder and next thing I know I overreact on a random issue that wasn’t even a big deal and he always ask me is is your Oma weak, ? because you should warn me. Lol he is a super sweet loving husband and father I wish these feelings could just get taken from me so I and you and all this woman can just live in peace but it’s a challenge for sure and trying to find the strength seems to be the test.

    • sexyluv

      June 11, 2015 at 7:28 am

      i concur.

    • Melissa

      July 18, 2015 at 1:38 pm

      Sounds just like me. How are you doing now?

  16. Better Than This

    January 22, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Thank you for this article. I can relate to alot of the bullet points in it. I recognize and fight to keep from letting it take control of me, but it’s hard. It is a constant mental battle. I fluctuate from being angry at myself for it and not having more self esteem, to understanding what led to these feelings to begin with. It is all due to experiences from past relationships. I’ve previously been in an abusive relationship and also was unexpectedly blindsided by one of the people I could have swore would never hurt me in another relationship. I too, feel like I have some kind of PSTD from all of it.

    My husband hardly ever goes out, but the first instant that he mentions he is, I panic from that point on. Realistically, I don’t believe he would cheat or want to hurt me, yet he is guilty of doing minor things in the past prior to our marriage to cause distrust.

    I know that if someone was going to cheat, nothing you could do would stop them, but it’s a natural self defense mechanism.

    I will work on the confidence….even if it is fake and for appearances only. I’m actually laughing at the thought of what his reaction would be the next time he goes out with the fellas and I turn and say “okay….enjoy yourself!” That will have him wondering the rest of the night! lol

  17. Stuck

    January 22, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    Hey there, great article and it helped calm me down. My stomach has been going haywire and it’s hard to know if my boyfriend is cheating since he had an emotional affair before. I have random peaks of anxiety out of nowhere, and it is the same panic I had prior to revealing his infidelity, which he denied and showed no remorse. Later, he has, I have left several times, and it seems that this article helped with the anxiety, but if my body is telling me to run….should I listen or try to become self-assured? He is generally flirty and doesn’t realize it, but it scares me and my body feels beat down…not sure what to do. Thanks for all the insight into the law of attraction though. Positive thoughts and self-control forward into the future <3

    • Betrayed

      May 17, 2015 at 7:30 pm

      Run. Don’t walk.
      Get out.
      Find someone trustworthy.
      without trust and loyalty there is nothing.
      u deserve the best

  18. josh

    January 23, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Mid twenties male here. Ive been with my current girlfriend for about 5 months and she is the first woman i have been really happy to be with in a very long time. I have been experiencing severe anxiety as of late over losing her, largely due to how past relationships have ended. I think i found this articale at the best time. It has so many excellent points and i will likely be reading this again several times over as the need arrises. Thank you so much

  19. BARBARA SMITH

    January 25, 2014 at 9:23 am

    THIS ARTICLE HIT HOME. ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE IT STATES THE UNIVERSE CANNOT DECIPHER THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND YOUR POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND IT WILL MANIFEST WHAT THOUGHTS YOU ARE PUTTING OUT INTO THE UNIVERSE WHETHER GOOD OR BAD AND EVENTUALLY THESE THOUGHTS CAN MANIFEST INTO REALITY.

  20. N.H

    January 27, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Thank you for this.

  21. Anya

    January 28, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    It could be the hormones speaking, considering I am 6 months pregnant, but no matter how hard I try to stay positive, focused and attempt to stop obsessing over what he is doing it’s so difficult. He is a firefighter and is gone 4 days a week, I’m always so worried who he is talking to and if he is talking to her again….. I never thought marriage would be this way.

  22. Mel

    January 30, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Your advice couldn’t have come at a better time. I am currently in this predicament and it is ruining my marriage, not too mention that i am looking like an insecure wife, as my husband has put it. Not a day goes by where i dont think about the possibility of him cheating on me but also the pretty young thing that is under suspicion, and it is ruining my life. I now need to start focusing on me as life is just far tooshort to be otherwise concerned on something tat may not even be happenning. Some of the signs are there but not all of them. I too was lookinmg for reassurance but after reading this i have realised that i actually dont need any, its time to start being the confiden woman that i use to be and see what the future brings. Thank you for making me realise that there is more to life and more to me, than worrying about his actions over my own :)

    • isis56

      September 21, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      It can work both ways in a relationship. In my marriage it was the only way to get my husbands cooperation with every ones need, To keep him denied sex. In the 31 years of our marriage there were a lot of promises made If he just let this happen, not use his UAW seniority to take what he wanted then one day he would be allowed the life he wanted. After he started not caring any longer if he was getting what he wanted at home the decision was made to intimidate him into doing what was needed for the society as a whole. I kept thinking what we were doing was best for everyone and his fathers good old boy network did what I could not do, Just ke4pt him in line with other needs, He was told his vacation could be taken between early January to mid February. He considered this the most useless time. to try anything since the holidays took what he could save for himself, I usually went on a tri annual trip With his fathers family and his fathers friends while my husband worked. then two surgeries got in the way the last left him relearning to walk and we started hearing things like stolen life, and when he returned home from rehab he was deciding his own future weather or not it was wanted including his forcing me into sex one nighty when I was supposed to go with his father, mother and their friend to a social fund raising dinner, And since that evening its been one loosing step after another in family holiday traditions and vacations that my husband refused to compromise and slowly allow himself to be incorporated into now. He just steps right in the middle and dares any one to tell him no. He has hurt his own father twice over this now, the last was this years vacation trip, his father insisted he go home and let me go by myself and my husband felt different he said he paid for me so he also paid for himself He told his father he was told many times the last 13 years that he was not going to let his father push him around much longer. An he said that this was one of those times his father was backing down His father tried to get him to leave with a ball bat. My husband blocked with his cane and hit his father so hard he hit with a broken neck. This has been my husbands standard reply to any force used on him for thirteen years, the first time over a job bid putting four men in a critical Care unit when they were going to force him to remove his name. From the day he came home on June the first 1985 from the navy I have not known how to keep him happy. HE would tell me he wanted his life and marriage normal, But if he got what he wanted then nobody else was happy in his choices especially his father and his friends. and it left me out in the cold several times. when my husband would tell me if they were supporting me and I did as they wanted then I could live with his father or his friends, then he decided he was not going to do as any one else wanted. and there has been no cooperation since. The violence has escalated to a point I live in fear. Mostly that he will shove me onto the first bus any where he wont ever see me again. so now anything that comes up I have to choose his side over friends side.

    • Carla Hancock

      January 17, 2016 at 8:44 pm

      Hi Mel,

      I can totally relate to your post as this is exactly the predicament I am in. I hope I can follow the advice of this great article and your post. I can control my own actions and I need to be the person I used to be as I don’t like the person I have become.

  23. quizz

    February 4, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I am happy I read your article to control our security.I am married to a guy and i am older than him.first he told me a wrong age even the marriage certificate has the wrong age.I am so jealous of him becauss the lies he told me from the beginning of the relationship.i tried to convince myself that he doesnt deserve my insecurity.he should be the one feeling that way because i am an independent lady and my salary is morw attractive than his.i recognize what i’m doing is wrong and unhealthy and i tried desperately to ignore him and be happy.Thanks again for your sincere encouragement and i hope i can be steonger after i writ e my experienced.

  24. Kim Lawrence

    February 8, 2014 at 8:47 am

    This hit home for me as well. I am learning that in order to keep the greatest guy I’ve ever known I am to quit pushing him away. Lately I’ve felt extremely close with him but ONLY AFTER him being honest enough to tell me he was feeling he could no longer live in a world of constant stress with the person he was to marry. He had started to lie to me and became distant and walking the line of single hood when this final attempt to communicate happened. Thank God for once I was able to hear him out completely without going into my “well what ifs” and became very grateful that he noticed my ability to actually listen and he proceeded to telling me those things. This was a few weeks ago. I can honestly say that even though its been a short time span, just the humbleness approach to communicating has worked wonders for us. Last night he and I confessed to possibly being more in love than ever due to my ability to trust more and allow him to be his own person without being scared to conclude me in his life out of fear of being accused of something more. I’m learning to except him as an individual knowing his love for me will keep him faithful, keeping him wanting to love MRE. And as for me, I feel the same toward him and make sure to always be pleasant understanding and loving. It takes practice but its really not as hard as what I’ve made it be all these years.

  25. Kim Lawrence

    February 8, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Also I’d like to add…. there has been a time or two I’ve been on the phone with him and him and his crew would be grilling and cooking out at the hotel they are in and a heat wave of jealousy and worry not me but in those Kenya without making it obvious I say I need to go for whatever reason, recollect myself, take deep breaths and call back or wait till a later time. I kinda look at it this way now… I’m a good looking woman, so a lot of guys say, and get hit on or asked out a lot. I’m flattered as any person would be but do not allow it to interfere in my personal life. Im sure I get hit on more then him and by no means do I cross any lines tho no one would ever know therefore I feel he feels and does the same. Regardless we’d know if we went outside of our relationship and personally believe the guilt would be too much for us to not confess asap. The depth of the connection we share is so great that there’s truly no denying we are with each other only.

  26. carolyn

    February 8, 2014 at 11:52 am

    I just want to say thank you after reading this article I sent it to a couple of my girl friends and we all were amazed for myself its making me want to step up my game I’m planning on driving my husband crazy making love I’m going to do things that I know is going to make him want to rush home after work and see what’s next once again the energy is now all about us

  27. J

    February 15, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Thank you! I was with a girl for almost a year when she cheated on me. I decided I couldn’t go through it again and spent 2 years sleeping around, one day I met my current girlfriend and I felt what love was.she is all around perfect and we’ve been together for almost a year now. I noticed that as we get closer to finding an apartment together I get nervous and suspicious and I didn’t know what was happening to me. It was beginning to cause an issue and you helped me realize that I needed to let the past go. Hopefully things work out!

    • Raven girl

      August 9, 2014 at 1:00 pm

      Hey I’m not sure if you’re still with your girl or not :) I think regardless of the person you’re with (if they’re reasonably devoted to you, so far faithful and trustworthy) feelings of insecurity will come up. These feelings, not just for you but for myself and many people, simply lead to fears. For me I have fears of abandonment, loss of love and care, betrayal etc. and if I look deeper these fears lead to a void within myself. If you research ‘Ben oofana’ he explains this process extremely well. He gives free advice on his blog, but does medicine/energy work to heal you from the inside out. I’m going to start meditating on how it felt to be with my last unfaithful partner and work through those emotions. It’s just a trigger.

      The reason why I replied to you although I wanted to share this with every poster, is that I had a lover at one time who was tirelessly controlling, jealous and insecure. It sounds like you’ve found a girl you want to keep so do everything in your power to keep her. Working through your insecurities and fears will give you all the responsibility. If she feels like you put your issues on her she will be heartbroken as I was. It makes the partner think they’re not good enough for you, that you aren’t worth being trusted and it hurts a LOT. That’s why I left my insecure boyfriend! I’m also insecure but I know only I have control over that and communicate that to my current partner so he knows what I’m feeling and thinking but also that I don’t want to put it on him. :)

  28. Cole

    February 18, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Wow! I cannot express how life changing this article was. I used to be stuck in the rut worrying all the time. And now, I realize that the bigger picture is to let go all of my negative energy and start living a more positive life with me and my partner.

  29. Hazel

    February 20, 2014 at 2:07 am

    Thank you so much for this article — it’s really relieving to know many other people are anxious about their partners cheating.

    I am 20 years old, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over one year now and I love him so much. He is my first real relationship, after one several years ago in which I was bullied, and emotionally and sexually abused (it feels very strange to write it out like that, so quickly).

    After feeling rock-bottom for so long, trying to cope with A-Level exams at the same time as coping with depression, and moving to university, I found my boyfriend. He completely transformed life for me, and has been so supportive of my journey upwards. He told me he loved me the second day we spent together, and since then love has just blossomed. It almost seems too good to be true, and I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming sometimes. He says he will marry me after university, and we will travel the world together. Everybody believes it, just seeing us together in the perfect relationship.

    I have felt nothing but bliss this past year, but occasionally (and it’s becoming more and more often) I am extremely worried that he might cheat on me. I know I am insecure because of what happened before I moved away to university, but it’s making me feel awful and guilty for even considering that he might cheat.

    The thing is, we see each other all of the time, every day. We’re best friends as well as a couple. Life seems so much brighter when I am with him. But when he spends time with his best male friend I am worried, because this friend takes drugs, and has a lot of sex with a lot of women, even housemates e.t.c. There seems to be no filter, nobody cares, and to them it is just sex.

    The year before I met my boyfriend, when it was his first year at university, he told me he had slept with five girls that year, four of which I see almost daily around university… He was not enjoying university, he had no support from home and he took to drinking a lot, and seeing girls. I understood that.

    But I am scared my boyfriend might fall into this again – he is still friends with a few of them. They seem to be the complete opposite of me – confident, secure, outgoing. I am introverted, insecure, and quite shy. I am anxious that one day he will get bored of me. He is like them, charming, self-assured, confident, outgoing, boisterous. He is very attractive, and I see the looks girls give him as they pass him in the street – I have learnt to brush them off now.

    I am worried, I know I have no reason to be at the moment, but if he did cheat or fall in love with somebody else I do not know how I would cope. He is moving in to my shared house next year…I have to learn to not worry about things that haven’t happened. I haven’t told him any of this, I don’t want to seem needy or overly dependent.

    Thank you for your article, it opened my eyes. By worrying so much, and trying to create scenarios, thinking about the worst, I am losing myself completely. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m just a bundle of worries!

    I just always believed or hope for true love, it seems extremely naive, but I always believed there was one soulmate for every person out there. And I believe I have found mine, despite being quite young still. I don’t want it to end.

  30. Kayla

    February 27, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now and recently found text messages on his phone. This article I really needed to read. I’ve been asking myself what I did wrong and every night wanting to check his phone seeing if Hes still cheating. I love how now I know it wasn’t me and NO I can’t stop him from doing it if he is going to. Also its stressful just trying to track his every move again I need to tell myself I can’t stop him. I love him and he loves me and this article may be what saves our relationship and mostly my sanity. Thank you so much!!!

  31. Pingback: Does Your Partner Cheating Mean It's Over? | Rachael Lay

  32. Clara

    March 8, 2014 at 8:25 am

    thx Rachael. but its only different when he has cheated several times, confessed, reasured not 2 do it again but he neva stops! ive now lost love 4 him 2 the extent that he nolonger turns me on! i just i hate him! any hope 4 me?? am 33, we have 2 dotaz and a boy

  33. tommyontime

    March 10, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    I’m 63 with a new 43 year old gf. She thinks we look a like. She has a history of being with multiple sex partners while married, couple swapping while married and other singular flings with married men. Geez, can you understand why today, when she was drunk at noon talking to an old boyfriend about how sexually unsatisfied she is with me, how my feelings got a little hurt? Other than that, she’s a great girl. Other than what? Am I kidding myself? I feel like sh** right now. She says I misinterpreted what I heard her say. In fact, she denies ever talking to an old bf. Cheating and lying, the gifts that just keep on giving….

  34. Jen

    March 24, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    It was exactly what I needed. The hard part is learning to put this way of thinking into practice. To try to be arrogant for lack of a better word and give yourself the positive self talk when you don’t really believe it. I suppose it fits into the old saying, if you don’t love you then who else will. To add I found it particularly comforting to read the other comments and know that others have the same fear as me. Thank you

    • Yael

      March 30, 2014 at 3:52 am

      My boyfirend is amazing and sweet, and travels quite often for work to countries like Brazil and Columbia.

      This gives me constant anxiety and stress and my mind never stops working overtime imagining scenarios or imagining what he could be doing.

      There is no real reason for me to have these fears, yet I do.

      This article really helped me realize how much of a waste it is!! Life your life people!!

  35. Jennifer

    April 9, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Reading this really made me think and reflect on myself and what I go through daily. I am constantly in fear my husband is cheating and that is all I can focus on. It drives me insane. I know he is not doing any such thing. His everyday things have not changed in the last 7 years we’ve been married, however the thoughts just keep coming to my mind. We have discussed the matter, I saw a therapist for a while which helped for a bit but then the thoughts started coming back. I just want to stop feeling this way about him. It is taking a toll on my marriage. He gets annoyed with my constant questions even though he goes to work (in a factory) comes home and is with me for the rest of the night. I work second shift now so I’m not home 90% of the time in the evening. He is home with our son, he doesn’t leave to go anywhere (I ask my son). I just need help getting over questioning him. I was cheated on for 5 years by my ex which whom I was madly in love with. I’ve tried to move on from those feelings but I do believe they haunt me 24/7. Help!! Please!!

  36. Tasha

    April 17, 2014 at 4:51 am

    I have been cheated on in my past and as a result I have major issues in the trust and relationship department. Your articles are great first off; they make alot of sense but I personally feel soo far gone that I just can’t be helped.
    I married my partner last June, and we have a good relationship but anything that has to do with other females is what gets to me the most and puts a wedge between us. For example: Any shows/movies on tv that I find inappropriate I “lock” and put a password on them that only I know. I don’t want to go certain places, especially when the weather is warm out so that my husband can’t “look” at other women. I make sure we go grocery shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the masses of women that would be at the grocery store. I don’t want to go to family get-togethers or friends weddings etc with my partner because I don’t want him to look at/flirt with other women. My husband is really not a bad guy and he does pretty good for the most part, but I just have been so hurt in my past that I don’t want to deal with it ever again and I don’t trust any/very few men or females (for obvious reasons). I just want someone who doesn’t want to or need to look at, flirt with, etc other women and that will be happy with just ME. I just can’t take the hurt etc of seeing him look at or flirt with someone else. I just can’t. And the things above are just some of the ways that I personally cope with and try to divert things that hurt and upset me that men do. It is like second nature to me. As much as I would LOVE to be able to fully trust and believe my spouse would never do any of the things that hurt and upset me most, I know better. I am anxious and depressed what feels like 24/7…I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to deal with it any other way. I just can’t let go and trust, especially after seeing things that hurt/upset me happen right in front of me. It is like a nightmare that won’t end! =(

    • Ellen

      January 26, 2015 at 11:51 am

      Tasha, I’m crying reading this because I can relate to how you feel. I do similar things to control my husband. Your not the only one and we can learn to let go and trust if we try, we need to stop it ruining our lives !!!!

    • none

      June 22, 2015 at 3:23 pm

      Your behavior is extremely possessive and controlling, and besides- if you had a good husband you wouldn’t need to feel so insecure…he will probably find out what you are doing anyway eventually….you sound suffocating and stifling- gee if I was a man I would run a million miles away from you! you sound like you have severe control issues, and like to trap men, just be careful he doesn’t escape from you….if you don’t let him feel free, he will leave….what you are doing is going to cause the opposite of what you expect, trapping him wont make him stay, especially when he finds out that is what you are up to

  37. Mike

    April 19, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    A great article. I am gay and my ex-partner of ten years turned out to have been cheating with multiple partners for most of our relationship. Of course I got tested and am okay – but I have just met someone special and now find myself obsessing over what he may or may not be doing. I realise that he is not my ex and am desperately trying not to be too suspicious – bulgur it is harder than I thought. I never really understood what was meant by bringing baggage to a relationship until this one began…now I know that is what I am doing. I continue to work on this and am certainly not attempting to check up on my new romantic interest – but the temptation to do so is overwhelming at times. Thank you do the pointers above. Very helpful.

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      Mike, when you’ve been cheated on before it’s even harder to let go of the worry of being cheated on again. I’m sorry this happened to you. I encourage your attempts to avoid tarnishing your current partner for the wrongs of your ex. They are different men and my hope is that this love is much kinder and more true for you.

  38. Christopher

    April 20, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    I happened to be looking for an article tonight on advice for this situation as I constantly worry about my boyfriend cheating. I am a 25 year old gay male and when I was 17 I had my first committed relationship. He and I were together for two years and we were very close and everything seemed to be perfect. I had become so involved with his family and eventually the relationship started getting really really bad and he ended up cheating on me and that completely destroyed me. I was 19 when this happened and it took another two years to completely move on from him. Although the feelings are no longer there and I’ve moved on completely, the fear of falling back to that shattered place I was in still plagues me to this very day in my current relationship. We met last year in december and we had a rough beginning because he still hadn’t recovered from being cheated on either and he was afraid to be involved too much with the relationship. Well, we’ve squashed that and we are doing better than ever, but I still worry so much about it. He’s told me countless times he would never do it because he knows how it feels and that he’s faithful. He has a much better grasp of it and he doesn’t worry about me doing it at all but at the same time I was much closer with my ex when he cheated and it really destroyed me. I wish I could stop worrying so much about this because I just want to enjoy the time I have with him and try to make a lasting relationship with him. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about someone and I don’t want to lose it again.

  39. Robert

    April 25, 2014 at 2:16 am

    This article is exactly what I need to hear and I am trying to let go of the fear and insecurities I am having with my girlfriend of 2+years. I feel like she is an amazing woman whom I care and love greatly. However, within the last year and since moving in together this past September, I have found she and I have some personal insecurities and general anxieties that are troubling me and making me anxious too. I know I should be concentrating on myself and trying to be more communicative but thoughts of infidelity have crossed my mind as she seems to be generally lacking interest, communication and affection towards me…it hasn’t always been like this but it has become more troublesome and I really don’t feel the love that I used to for her…While I am still attracted to her, I’m becoming more frustrated on our lack of communication and ability to be consistently intimate. I find myself begging for intimacy/sex… Thoughts of infidelity have occurred when she is coming home late from work routinely and a general lack of intimacy throughout the day…I think it’s possible that she is just going through a difficult time with school, work/life balance but also know that she is generally “shutting down” with me and there could be infidelity.

    Lately I feel like I should break things off and living together has got extremely difficult…

    That being said, I’m going to continue to focus on myself and continue to work on my own personality strengths. In speaking with my therapist, she thinks it might be that we might just be incompatible and have two separate personalities with me being more extroverted and her more introverted.

    Any comments or suggestions to improve my relationship, to let her go or to just focus on myself would be much appreciated…

  40. sarah

    April 30, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Hi…this article is all me…everything that you wrote I felt like your talking about me…this was very helpful …..

  41. Nathan

    May 1, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    I realized that the main issue is always trust and our own self-awareness. If both of us tries to make even the tiniest worth of effort, the relationship would definitely work. Worrying alone or even going to the extend of stalking our partner will not do any good. The frustrations over the issue might jeopardize a relationship, and its worst if our partner is not even committing the act in the first place!

  42. Anonymous "S"

    May 8, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Thank you so much for sharing this article. My husband cheated on me about two years ago. He is a personal trainer and he is very good looking. He found commonalities with a young 19 year old whom he was training. Anyway, when I found out it was incredibly hard because he kept fighting me and denying anything ever happened. He said it was all emotional. One year later, which was about one month ago, he confessed that they actually did kiss, and if I had not intervened at the time I did, it could have gone further. Since then he has apologized and done his best to show me that he loves me and that he made a mistake. But I cant help but think that it took me one year to get over it to then again realize that what i thought i got over was a complete lie. I cant help but wonder now, what if he’s still lying and he will decide to tell me the truth next year. You know what I mean!? It’s crazy. So, I am having such a hard time trusting and my need for re-assurance has been insane. Your article really spoke to me and I truly appreciate it.

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      Being cheated on it it’s own betrayal that hurts enough on it’s own. Being lied too as well only compounds the hurt because no matter what you ask, and hear, you will always wonder what is being held back. I hope you and your partner are able to work your way through this and open more truthful lines of communication about what happened, so you can move on with trust and ongoing honesty.

  43. Chris

    June 4, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    I have been with my wife for over three years. We are only married for 1-1/2. We ended up into an argument with each other that made me want to leave. When I left and refused to come back, she did things to her self such as try to commit suicide. What made things worse for us was the fact that I left her alone, neglected and abandoned, in a hospital while she was recovering.I never admitted to myself that I was wrong for quite a while. But after a month of her pleading for me to come back, I agreed to make up for the damage that was done. But upon discovering the truth about what she decided to do while I was away, she had cheated on me with another person. I was enraged by the choice she made and I wanted to walk away completely, and almost filed for divorce. But I wised up and decided I want to fix my marriage with my wife. I came back into her life not really knowing what to expect. Right now we are together and at the moment, things are ruff. She is still in communication with her friend she had the affair with. She tells me cause she has some invested feelings toward this guy that she can’t stop talking to him. I’m so worried that she will listen to him and believe that she will cheat on me again.But after reading this site though, I feel as if I have a better prospective on our damaged relationship. I cant worry about what she is doing, or what she will do. If she wants to truly want to be with me, then she will let me be. I can’t keep getting frustrated on what has happened and all the wouldas, couldas, and shouldas, for the past when i should have been there for her. As a husband, I failed by making things worse than what they are instead of truly listening to my heart. My goal is to repair the damage done, or at least say that I have done all that I can. It’s only been two weeks since I have been back together with her. So if I don’t come to terms with myself now, I will ruin what we created and built, a foundation of love and trust. We have started counseling so I am hoping the next visit that the counselors words of mediation can help us both come to a mutual understanding of love and trust for each other. I love my wife.

  44. Gemma

    June 11, 2014 at 4:46 am

    This article has helped me a little bit I had a bad previous relationship where I was cheated on and it took me long enough in the beginning to trust him or any man as I was sexually assaulted at a young age, I trust my boyfriend and he is my world but he is going away on a stag party and I’m nervous I know he won’t cheat on me I really do deep inside but can’t get the horrible feeling out of my stomach I know it’s me with the issue on the trust factor as he has been hurt before, he is the most amazing man I have ever met and were only 7 months into our relationship been living together for 6 months I can’t ruin this as it will ruin me, he gets upset when I talk about ex partners so I can’t even say this is why I’m getting nervous.

  45. Louise

    June 14, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Thank you for this wonderfully written article Rachael! It has really struck a chord with me.
    I have been dealing with insecurities and anxiety throughout my 5 year relationship with my partner. We both got together through cheating on our ex partners so I think this has always meant that I have trust issues with my current partner and myself. It took me a long time to leave behind a lot of guilty feeling for cheating on my ex. I never thought I was the sort of person to cheat and I felt so terrible for years after, beating myself up and turning myself inside out with regrets. It was very bad for my self esteem.
    I am now 25 and after a lot of self help books, reading about The Law of Attraction etc, I am trying my best to deal with my demons in a better way!!
    I think the fact my current relationship was born out of infidelity has always made me feel very insecure. My partner was a bit of a casinova before we got together. He had a lot of female friends who were also my friends. We both do not speak to these girlfriends anymore because I made it clear I was not comfortable with this. Although that sounds like I dictated who he spoke to… We have actually had a better relationship since we cut out these girls from our lives.
    We have just moved across the other side of the world together to begin a new life, so I am going through a lot of new insecurities again and the anxiety is creeping back. My partner has just started in a new job here and the job requires him to work away occasionally. He has to meet lots of new people (women) who all appear to me to be very confident and attractive business women. This has pushed my own confidence back slightly again, which is why I have sought some online help in the form of your article!
    I completely agree with everything you say… It’s almost as though ‘you get what you expect’ in life! Therefore, I really need to start expecting better things and having faith in the person I chose to love and be with. I truly don’t think he would cheat on of hurt me. He has reassured me countless times and he is a wonderful person. I think sometimes when you are so in awe of someone else you do tend to forget how wonderful you are too though… And this is what becomes a problem. It’s about loving yourself enough so that you don’t rely on someone else’s love to validate you!!
    As with everything in life, trust is a work in progress… It takes practice (especially if you have been hurt in the past) but you really can turn things around if you commit everyday to loving yourself abs focussing all your energy on good, positive things!! When you focus more on yourself and all the good things about you, it matters less what your partner is doing and you can both feel more at ease.
    All of what I am saying here is going to take a lot of willing and practice… But I believe it’s possible! It’s both a comfort and a shame to read so many similar posts and know a lot of us struggle with trust, but reading things like your article really do help and I wish everyone all the best in their endeavours to change and become happier! :-)

  46. Ness

    June 19, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    This was a great article to read. I have a hard time because my boyfriend works out of town, and he’s barely home. When he is home, he’s sleeping. His job is demanding and he has no set schedule. When he’s out of town, we will go hours without talking/texting. He will say that he is going to sleep. When I do hear from him, we will talk for a little bit, then he goes MIA. When I hear back from him he will say that he was sleeping… again. One of the guys he works out of town with is cheating on his girlfriend, and at times they will go out together for some drinks after work. So naturally my mind always goes to the “his friend is doing it so he must be too”. He says just because his friend is doing it doesn’t mean he is. My mind goes crazy without the reassurance that he’s not up to anything bad when he’s out of town.

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 10:51 am

      What your partner says is true, just because his friend is doing it, it doesn’t mean he is. With that said, distance and the inability to ‘know’ what is going on can certainly feed the mind with worry.

      My advice is that, without any evidence of anything going on, to trust until you know differently. Most people find it really hard to go with this plan because we believe that trusting (somewhat blindly) will always see us get hurt. But it is more often, in relationships, that not trusting without reason is what causes more damage.

  47. P

    July 2, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    This is a pretty useful and accurate article! I was really insecure before, and it caused problems with me and my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for almost 2 years now. She was always a little bit inappropriate with other guys, not really in a purposefully flirty way, it’s just how she is. She’d do things to annoy me like leading guys on unintentionally, snogging her girl mates in a club attracting male attention, and having quiet nights watching a movie one on one with guys who’d bring her bottles of wine.

    Anyway, we talked about our issues and I learned that she needed to calm down a bit, and I needed to get over my insecurity if we were going to be happy together. So she did, and I worked on it and she said she was much happier with how I acted and I was much better. Only then not long after she went on holiday and got back and told me she had cheated on me. I accepted it (better than I thought) and we stayed together. Only problem is her story didn’t fully add up to all the pictures that had been posted of her and the guy on facebook, so recently I calmly asked her if we could have a conversation about it to tie up loose ends and put my mind to rest.
    She started calm, but soon became quite hostile, saying that she already told me it’s all coincidence and there’s nothing more to talk about (this is before I even brought up the issues), and went on to say that she has tried to keep cool with all my insecurities but can’t be with me if it’s going to keep up.

    The thing is, though I was insecure at the start, we both saw that I had improved to the extent where it wasn’t a problem anymore. Now she has cheated on me (and hidden a couple minor things from me) I feel like it’s not unreasonable for me to ask to have an open discussion about what had happened, to give me an explanation for the things that don’t make sense, and to ease my mind. Surely she owe’s me at least that? Considering I let her off so lightly (had a cigarette, then took her to the fair and for dinner) and basically all she said was ‘sorry, i won’t do it again’. She’s linking this to the more unreasonable insecurities I had in the past, saying she can’t ‘keep putting up with this’ and i think it’s unfair on me considering this is a completely different and real scenario.

    Anyway, sorry about the essay, point is I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her, even though many people have said it’s the right thing to do, and part of me thinks so too, but I do love her and so am finding it hard to let her go. On the other hand, it’s not fair that she’s done this and far from being reassuring, is having a go at me and saying she’ll break up with me because of my insecurity, when all I want is a calm conversation and decent explanation.

    Any advice will be welcomed.

    Thanks for taking the time to read

    • Lisa Marie

      August 15, 2015 at 2:47 am

      No good,P…she’s playing you for a fool. If she really loved you she would treat you with respect and value you. Run away now.

  48. nicole

    July 9, 2014 at 12:58 am

    I can’t believe the number of people this article hit hard. I too felt that you hit the nail on the head with every word. The question really is how do you build true self confidence and stop fear?

    How do you let go and stop worrying?

    • rachaellay

      July 15, 2014 at 10:44 am

      It is hard, there’s no doubt Nicole.

      But for your own wellbeing, and in respect for yourself, you need to practice letting go and trusting that whether you worry or not, it has no bearing on what will happen. Your time and energy is much better spent on cultivating your relationship, and your personal care, rather than focusing on what may not (and may never) happen.

      You need to make a conscious choice to redirect your thoughts, to kill negative, unhelpful worrying as soon as it starts up. It takes time to make this a habit, but it will happen if you want it to.

  49. Eko

    July 30, 2014 at 2:42 am

    I just worry because me and my partner are homosexual, and he claims he loves me out of this world, and we had a rough past before, I lied to him and I got his trust back but why do I always worry with him being with a woman? and its not like I have a problem with heterosexuals, but I love him to death and I trust him but I am just always so worried. Like I always picture in details about him dominating over some woman or man, and it bothers me :/ and I hate it. He claims to love me so much more than I can know, and I will sometimes even go into work with him, and he seems like he doesn’t try to attract anyone :/ so what should I do, I’ve checked his phone and nothing is there… but I just feel paranoid

  50. Heidi

    August 12, 2014 at 1:47 am

    Thanks for this article. I am a couple of weeks past D-Day and am at the point of trying to heal myself. The affair brought up every single insecurity I have about myself and I have been searching for a way to go on from here. Your article confirms what I already knew except it goes one step further by pointing out that I need to quit worrying that he will cheat again and that only he is in control of his actions. I know and so does he that I have dealt with this issue for the last time in that if he has contact with this person again I am out of here. He wants to save the marriage, but now I’m fighting my own demons and insecurtities. I plan to take your advice and hopefully wwe can recover from this.

  51. A.J Sanchez

    August 17, 2014 at 1:09 am

    Thanks for this article. I’ve been cheated on twice in the past, and I feel like my fear of being cheated on isn’t any closer to going away anytime soon. I’ve been low on self esteem for years now, but I’ve been dating a girl who’s been my best friend for four straight years. What I didn’t know was that she’s been in love with me for four years as well. But now she’s in college in a different state, and I’m absolutely paranoid. I’m worried. I don’t know how to tell myself that if she has loved me for four years then it’s doubtful that she’ll easily switch affections for someone else. I need to realize she’s telling the truth when she says I’m the only one for her. She tells me things my cheating exes never told me before. So why am I having so much difficulty believing it?

  52. O

    August 20, 2014 at 1:58 am

    Great article.
    It has hit all the points that I have been experiencing for the past few years.
    I have been married for almost 15 years and my husband has never cheated on me. He has been good to me and is an awesome father.

    I got married at 22 and my husband is the only man I have been with. My idea of an husband was someone who would love and cherish me for what I was and help me grow. He would be my best friend and make me feel secure.

    Early on in our marriage, my husband would talk about the women in his life who liked him and whom he liked. He would talk about their qualities and try and correct me to the point that it felt like he did not like me or appreciate me for what I was.
    He never praised me for my smartness,looks or intelligence, so when he praised another woman I felt cheated and let down.

    I developed a sense of insecurity and worthlessness.

    I would throw tantrums and then give the silent treatment but he never seemed to get the point.
    After the birth of our 2nd son 7 years ago I suffered from postpartum depression and had to undergo therapy.
    Some of the issues were resolved and my husband has been more appreciative since then, but I am not able to get over my insecurities.

    I have become distrustful and suspicious of his actions. I doubt him all the time but he has been understanding and supportive through all this.
    He has given me access to his emails/FB/phone but it is not helping.

    I was mad when I found out a year ago that he was in touch with a woman from his past on FB. Though there was nothing to it, I spiraled back into my insecurities and had to be treated for anxiety again.

    Same thing happened when I found out that he had been extra nice to a woman from work because she worked hard on a project that he was heading.

    He said he appreciated her hard work and that she was very talented. After she left for another job i found that she had connected with him on FB.
    I lost it again, and had a big fight with him.

    My insecurities are affecting my marriage big time and I am afraid that if this continues it will end an otherwise happy marriage.

    I do not know how I can stop being like this

  53. Nino

    August 21, 2014 at 12:01 am

    I think this article really speaks to woman who have been cheated on. Its such a difficult thing to go through and without putting your body and mind to it, you may never truly get over it (in other words, getting over it is just as hard) But with the right attitude and the keys that this article touches on it can get better.

    I just find it hard to focus on making the relationship better for you and your partner when your intuition tells you a different story and you truly not sure if its your insecurities as well as your fear that make you believe that deep down he is still creeping or if he really is and your intuition is actually on point. It gets hard when you at that point and you really just want to be able to let go of what he did and move on together and happy together. Its a huge mountain to climb with a huge battle after that.. I just wana be able to feel that its ok to love him and if you will ever truly know if he isn’t and wont ever cheat again.

  54. Claire

    August 29, 2014 at 7:44 am

    I have read many articles over the past year and this one may have just saved my life… literally. My partner and I have been together 14 years and have a 12 year old son. My previous 18 year relationship was riddled with cheating (by my then partner) and I carried that mistrust and low self esteem with me into my current relationship. My partner knew I had trust issues from the start and has always been reassuring and caring. The problem is he has a lot of female friends, mostly work colleagues, past and present, and generally is someone who gets on better with females. It’s been hard, especially with social media, and there have been a few instances where he has crossed the line (not physically though as far as I know). He maintains that he loves me and that he wouldn’t cheat and I really want to believe that but by the same token I haven’t been able to stop ‘checking up’ on him. I can honestly say every one of the bullet points above I am guilty of (for want of a better word). At the moment, for the past couple of years, I have been going through depression (recently become very severe), although this is not all as a result of the relationship problems. So now I am in the position where I am trying to ‘save’ the relationship while at the same time I have almost no motivation. I have stopped going out, stopped taking phone calls from friends and ‘better off dead’ has been a thought in my mind on a daily basis. Yep, I know, selfish right? Yet when I am in that mode I actually tell myself I would be doing everyone a favour and I believe it too. I know I need help but the relationship plus the actual depression are like a double hurdle and seem impossible to get over. I can’t seem to get past my obsession with the relationship in order that I can tackle the depression. I know, I tend to waffle, I hope my post is legible.

    Back to the article. Just reading it and recognising myself in what’s been written has helped me immensely. I don’t say this lightly either. It is just what I needed to help get things into perspective in my muddled head without feeling like my behaviour (the bullet points) was being judged. At the same time it has enabled me to acknowledge the effect it’s having on both of us, not to mention our son. I am going to save this page and read it as often as I need to, to reinforce the positives and hopefully change my mindset. Thank you so much!

  55. mitchell brodbeck

    August 29, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    I just want to say that I wish I had found this article months ago. Yes I have been cheated by my wife. And along with the cheating part there was so much more that went along with it. All of which I foumd out 7 monyhs aftwr she had moved out of state. But after it all we are still together. I have obsessed with her cheating on me again. So bad that now I have pushed her away. This article is everything ahe tried telling me for the last few monyhs. It is a very informative article. Thank you.

  56. Jennifer

    September 5, 2014 at 3:32 am

    I loved reading your words of advice…..like everyone else, it hit home for me too. My husband and I have been married for 6.5 yrs and have one lil boy, almost 3 yrs old. For the past few yrs, I can’t count how many times I have found texts, emails, pictures and replies to Craigslist personal ads (yes, you heard right..) and even a profile on a dating website (and he had that when I was pregnant..)……needless to say, I have found a lot on his phone. Also, found a lengthy convo on his Yahoo messenger btwn him and a girl he grew up with from back home (Maine)…..he was telling her he wished he could be with her, he loved her, wanted sex with her…..the whole nine yards. I have been severely traumatized by all of this……and after seeing two counselors recently, have def concluded that I have PTSD from this. Even lately, if I ask to look at his phone, he always gets uptight and we always have a bad day after. And last time I did look at his phone, I wanted to see internet browser history too ( I check everything..) and as he’s VERY QUICKLY SCROLLING, obviously on purpose, my eyes catch “Gmail” pages all in a row, like a ton of them that he went to. I asked him if he had a gmail acct and he said no so then I asked for him to click on one of the “gmail” pages I saw, just so I could see what was there, he refused to. Put up a huge knockout-drag out fight and would not show me for the life of him. That tells me right there he’s hiding something. He “claimed” that he was looking at “Gmail picture sharing” (which is still bad in itself..) and it kept supposedly prompting him to go to a gmail acct. I don’t buy it, not at all. I’m not a stupid person, plus I have gotten very wise after all the crap I have found on him. He tried to turn the tables (to shift focus of course) and then started asking me to show him browser history on the home computer we have, thinking I have been using it, which I never do. So there’s no history. He accused me of deleting any history that was there and acted like I was doing something. Which I would never do that to him, so that’s bull crap. But that’s also a sign of guilt that he was shifting the focus like that. Well, the problem is that his work schedule has a lot to do with all this. He has worked away from home for almost the whole time we have been together, used to be 4 days on/4 days off. But now he got a better paying job but the schedule is now 28 days on/28 days off. So he’s away for 4 weeks……and you can imagine what that is doing to my thoughts and my mind. I am stressed beyond belief, assuming he is iMessaging someone (which cannot be traced once deleted..) or emailing someone on another email acct while he’s away at work on the boat. (He works on a supply ship that goes out to the oil rigs in Gulf of Mexico) Basically, the worry of all this is destroying me, and also taking me away from our lil boy, who desperately needs a happy momma right now. I constantly wonder what he’s up to on the boat, who he’s talking to, if anyone. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head and I worry that all this has ruined me for our marriage. I’m worried all the time, and it affects my mood. He notices and then we fight. He thinks I don’t really love him but it’s hard to show my true feelings (which I do still love him very much..) when my head is full of all these bad past thoughts and I can’t get rid of them. I don’t want this to totally ruin our marriage and then we get a divorce. That would totally ruin me, I know it. I love this man more than he knows but I just don’t get how he could be so distrustful and sneaky and such a liar. We are both 32 yrs old. Besides all of this, we have a good life together….a beautiful lil boy, two very good jobs, a nice house, everything like that. I feel we have so much potential….that is if these fears of mine don’t destroy everything first. How do I rid myself of these fears, how do I show him that I do truly love him, despite everything he’s done? And am I stupid for even still being with him?? Plse help.

  57. Prisca

    September 12, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Hi love this article,
    My husband cheated on me once with a work colleague and another the time developed feelings for a friend. Irt shattered my world and being.. It happened in between 1 year and since then it’s a constant struggle to let go and i leave in this fear that it might happen again. I feel paranoid at time and i talk to myself to have reassurance and worst i need confirmation from him. Which is not happening and i get more frustrated.
    Also he is bipolar, when he feels down he adds gal on facebook.. trashy ones and then delete so all these make me feel terrible as a woman.
    I came to the conclusion that i am destroying myself by being too involved and the overwhelming feelings are horrible..
    At times i feel so hopeless and at times i dfeel confindent…

  58. Stephan

    September 13, 2014 at 5:16 am

    I just wanted to say thank you so much…..I have been searching for these words for a LONG time. Your words have given me the tools I needed to move on and stop letting past things control my current relationship (im engaged). What a blessing this will be for my spouse and I. Thank you again!

  59. Michelle

    September 19, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Reading this article was a real eye opener for me. My last 3 relationships ended because of someone cheating. I’m with a wonderful man now, but every time he seems distant, those old feelings of suspicion rear their ugly head. I find myself doing things I told myself I never would, with him. Yes – they’re all a waste of time and energy, and end up making you crazy. I feel ashamed for having accused him of something he didn’t do, and says he’d never do, but reading this helped me realize that I must focus more on myself, and my good qualities. He’s with me for a reason.

  60. Myles

    September 23, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    This made me feel loads better. It was odd seeing someone list my exact behavior after I was cheated on… I’m still in my relationship, but we’re both in college, which puts distance between us. She likes to remind me how she won’t cheat on me, even without me bringing it up at all, but then again, so did the last 3 that cheated on me. I’ve been hospitalized once, and had to see a counselor due to suicidal thoughts for nearly a year. And I love this girl. I’d love to be as strong as some of the people in this comment section who have just let it all go, but with such a track record, and still being so young, it’s tough for me… When she tells me to stop texting her for a few hours because she’s writing a paper after she just told me she was having friends over, it makes my mind wonder and I’m stuck worrying until we say goodnight. I feel so overbearing when I ask question her, and I don’t even do it that often. Tonight was another one of those nights, and I’m glad I found this article. I just need to learn to trust her, and believe she’s different from the others.

  61. Simmikke

    September 23, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Thanks for the article, even though it seems to be written ages ago…
    I have horrible trust problems with my partner. I have ZERO reason not to trust him, but my anxiousness and mistrusting issues are getting in the way. I don’t only react like this with my partner either, I react like this with everyone I meet. My bestfriend is getting a little sick of it, and I hate subjecting her to my crap. But I’ve saved this as a bookmark, and will be referring to it often to make my relationship with my love the best. I owe it to him.

    • Chanel

      January 11, 2015 at 1:16 pm

      This article is one I will bookmark for future reference. I have caught my partner trying to cheat on me via text message several times. This is directly related to my low self esteem and body issues and is even currently inhibiting my sex life/ability to enjoy because I feel so low at points. This article will help me in the future when doubt strikes.

  62. Josh

    October 5, 2014 at 8:05 am

    It is so reassuring I’m not the only one with these thoughts and fears. They stopped me getting in a relationship with another girl for 5 years. Now I am dating a girl and these fears have come back to haunt me with a slap. I have been considering stopping seeing her because I am worried she might eventually cheat on me if we do get into a relationship. But you are right, my actions cannot prevent this. If someone is going to cheat, then nothing will stop this happening eventually. Me feeling insecure will make no difference. I’m a great person with or without someone beside me, and if they are willing to throw me away for some quick pleasure fix, then all they do is save me time which would otherwise be wasted on them. Thanks, you have probably just earned me my first girlfriend in several years :)

  63. Jerilyn

    October 7, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    This is exactly what I needed; I need to stay more positive, and have a mature convo with my significant other.. I’ve been cheated on from my past relationship and trust is a big issue; my partner now spends a lot of time in the washroom and has weird work hours and now supposedly works weekends and I’m not entirely sure but I think he’s hiding something.. We moved into a new town, so I don’t really have anyone to talk to.. He’s lived here for years before with his recent ex and knows a lot more ppl than I do; someone plz msg me back or email me: missjohnny01@hotmail.com I’d really appreciate it

  64. aleshia

    October 12, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Im confused and dont have no happiness .. me n my boyfriend always break up cause he cheats than he come back. But i always do the things u say u dont do.. but thanks for the article i will try some of ur ideas

  65. Jamie

    October 14, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    I was previously in a very long relationship where I was often cheated on. I loved this man and he is the father of my children. The only way I Havre gotten over him is that we have not spoken in years. I’m in a new relationship and I am obsessed with the thought of him cheating. I check his phone several times a day. He has given me a few small reasons not to trust him, he ha fixed those problems

    • Jamie

      October 14, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      Sorry….I was saying he fixed those problems, but I still don’t trust him. I don’t know if its me and I’m just crazy, or if my gut is trying to tell me that he is a cheater. So confused, please help!

  66. Rosa

    October 16, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Hello, great article really. Thank you. I haven’t been cheated before but I have all the symptoms you mention that people with trut issues have. I always feel very anxious that my partner may cheat on me or leave me for another person. There is one thing that helps me a lot in my fear of being cheated, though: trying to be in the present moment as much as I can. This is so important. I believe it is not our past bad experiences that fire our fears, but rather thinking about them again and again. In a way we are cheated each time we think about the bad past experience. A book that helps me to relax is Eckhart Tolle’s the Power of Now.
    Joyful relationship experiences to all of us.

  67. Nicole

    October 24, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    I had an unusual experience that has led to my trust issues. My father cheated on my mother chronically, there would be no way to even begin to put a number on how many affairs he had. My parents separated when I was six, and while i primarily lived with my mother, I stayed with my father every other weekend. His unfaithful ways were constantly in my face from that young age. Sometimes we would visit with multiple women in one weekend, and he would make me lie to them about what we’d been doing the rest of the weekend. He stopped bringing me around all the extra women shortly before he married my stepmom when I was 13 (probably because he knew forcing me to lie wouldn’t work for much longer at that age). On top of that, my father was emotionally abusive, and stopped at nothing to make me feel inadequate. When I was 15, I overheard him drunkenly telling my stepmom that I was the worst daughter he could have ever imagined.

    As you might guess, these interactions have given me a very skewed representation of what a relationship should look like. Being cheated on seems like an inevitability to me, given that the first model of a relationship I saw as a child was plagued with constant infidelity. Additionally, the way my father treated me as I grew up has made me an extreme perfectionist. I try so hard to be perfect in every facet; I obsess over my appearance, schoolwork, what other people might think of me, etc. But I still have a hard time loving and appreciating myself for who I am.

    I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man, and I certainly trust him more than I’ve trusted any other partners before. He is as understanding as one could be of my trust issues, but I know it is upsetting for him to know I am constantly anxious about him cheating on me and me not being enough for him. I also need constant reassurance from him, and he tries diligently to meet my needs but it’s never enough to make me feel safe and secure. It also doesn’t help that our relationship is long distance. We are having a particularly hard time right now, as I am starting to become convinced that I am just capable of being happy in a relationship.

    I am, however, very glad that I found this article. This captures my experience very well, and it has helped to calm me down. My trust issues have ruined all my previous relationships, and I don’t want this one to be doomed as well. He is so special to me. I want to try to use the techniques described to reframe my outlook, but it is scary for me to try to relinquish my perceived control and trust him. I am bookmarking this page, and I am going to start making an effort to change my thought processes and let go of what happened to me before and focus on the love that I have now. I know it will take time for me to feel even moderately comfortable, but I have to start somewhere.

    Would love to hear any other thoughts/advice about my situation.

  68. Tiffany

    October 29, 2014 at 9:34 am

    I am so glad I found this article! My boyfriend is fed up and now says he needs some time to think about us. I am devastated that I have let my fears and insecurities ruin the absolute best relationship I have been in. After being cheated on numerous times with numerous women in my marriage, my self esteem has just plummeted and I am constantly critical of myself and telling myself there are such better people out there than me. It’s an everyday struggle.

    I am seeing a psychotherapist but there is only so much she can do to help. I am also on medication but that only seems to have made my anxiety worse. I do not want to lose the best guy in the world, but I can’t seem to be able to trust him, no matter what he says or does I always think there is a motive. We got into an argument, and the next day he bought me a gift, and rather than think it was a kind gesture to make up, I thought “he must have slept with someone last night and now he feels guilty!”

    What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to myself?

  69. Vina

    October 31, 2014 at 1:58 am

    my relationship is about to crash becos am scared of being cheated on and my boyfriend keeps telling me am pushing him away with my fear all the time.thank jesus i read dis article i have to adjust right now before my relationship is pulled down with my own hands.

  70. Tiffany

    November 3, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Crazy this is stuff my man tells me almost everyday. I really needed this and I was just researching random stuff. Amazing all I need to say.

  71. texmex

    November 5, 2014 at 4:38 am

    this is a good article. too many articles i read focus on blame or the offender not on the victim. my wife didn’t cheat but she almost did. so, first of all, i’m glad she didn’t but that mistake has still rocked my foundation. i’m having a very hard time trusting her. i was going crazy wondering what’s she’s doing online, on facebook, on her email addresses, etc. I was also checking her whereabouts like crazy. ultimately, i was driving myself crazy. we did talk about it but it was hard. she felt like i was snooping on her and invading her privacy. months have gone by but my suspicions didn’t improve. i now was the problem in the relationship. it was hard but i agreed to let her change all her passwords – no more snooping. it’s like you said…i have to let be what will be. i should focus more on enjoying the relationship and also getting her to enjoy the relationship. I have to trust that the if we’re meant to be, it will go well. it is hard. there are days i still fight the urge to look at her phone, at her ipad. i pull myself away and leave the room. i have to trust her if we’re going to make it. i do wonder how long this pain will last. it hurts…i keep waiting for it to subside.

  72. Lynn

    November 10, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    It’s kinda funny that I NOW come to this question of cheating…it’s not laugh funny, more I now I get to spend the nights worrying the way my ex-husband use to. I WAS the cheater. I was in a marriage of 10yrs. Don’t get me wrong there HAD to be some love there with two kids out of it. NO EXCUSES, but our marriage was turmoil from the beginning…after several separations, constant fighting, and a few too many holes in my walls I was exhausted. I met a man thru work. Professional, at first, he turned into my confidant. Someone I went to as my “vent” we got closer as time went on. A year into our friendship we started getting flirty. He knew everything about me, my relationship. Things my own husband didn’t know or care to know. Then I took that step…it was a huge step and it led to more. I ended up falling head over heels for this man. I left my husband, who I alienated more then ever before, for this man.
    A year and a half later, I am going thru what I put my ex thru. Although I have absolutely no reason to doubt my boyfriend…he has never led me to believe he’s been unfaithful, I still can’t quit looking for all those “hints”. Those little clues..those “same things” I did when I first started cheating.
    I only share this with you so you do know that ur ex that cheated isn’t sleeping well at night!! For all you ladies AND gentlemen who have and are being cheated on..YES this is our (the cheater’s) KARMA!!

    • Tammie Carlisle

      July 1, 2015 at 1:11 am

      Suspect my husband who has cancer-5 years of private messaging with his long lost cousin who is also a cancer nurse. I questioned it and then moved on, but seeing their reactions together when we bumped into her was what really made me take another look. Have any advice for me?

  73. truthbetold

    November 18, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Personally I view cheating as a form of emotional abuse. It is way more than a spouse lying about some little thing. Another sexual partner could mean a life-threatening and/or disfiguring disease, a love-child (as happened to my own mother) and possible physical violence arising out of the jealousy from a wronged partner. Not to mention the agonizing trust issues left in the affair’s wake.

    There is simply no way in h*ll I intend on going through rebuilding a thing with my husband if he were to cheat. I could not handle it and I refuse to handle it. As I have told him, you are free to do whatever you wish and I am free to not put up with it. Implicit in that is if he decides for some bone-headed reason he wants to think with his little head instead of his big one, I am prepared to leave him. No relationship is worth my sanity.

    I completely agree with this article. Worrying about will he/she or won’t he/she is a waste of precious resources. I also think me trying to rebuild a life with someone who didn’t have the scruples to keep it in their pants is also a waste of precious resources.

  74. Tiffany

    November 26, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Thank you for your post. I am trying to figure out the best mantra for me to help diminish this fear. Any thoughts or phrases that worked for others? Please reply. Thanks

  75. tohriq

    November 28, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    hey great post i really had this problem and over came it only a month ago but once i addressed what was causing my fears and realized that me worrying about her cheating was the same like worrying about my neighbors be aliens or my dad being a secret agent…silly i know but it was that idea that made me realize i was wasting my time on what could happen and had no control over it and realized that if i concentrate about making her happy instead I’ll be able to strengthen my chance of not loosing her where being insecure could just push her into another mans arms thank’s again for the post great read glad to see there is others are facing similar demons

  76. sad

    December 9, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I am in a relationship for three years with a wonderful guy that we’ll do anything for me and says all day he Loves me but I don’t trust him I always accuse him of cheating I have never been cheated on I don’t know why I feel thus way

  77. Heather

    December 26, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    This is definitely an article i needed to read. I have been having a hard time figuring out if my husband of two years is putting himself in a situation to where he could become unfaithful with one of his ex girlfriends (who is one of his close friends now). He has shown he would do whatever it takes to keep her out of harms way and even risk going to jail by trying to take her away from her husband who can be negletful to her. Certain comments and actions have been leading to where itvseems to be more than close friendship though. I have been trying amd trying to make sure he does not lose focus that he has a wife and two children that adore him and does not want to lose him. We have tried reaching a compromise which never worked out since he would go behind my back and talk to her all the time and even go pick her up and hang out without me knowing or informing me. I feel like this friendship between him and her is consuming me and ruining what closeness we had in our marriage…but he will not chamge his mind. He will talk to his friend regardless of what I say or feel. He has already said it.

  78. Meek

    January 7, 2015 at 2:55 am

    Married 7 years, together 10…we BOTH cheated in 1st 2 years of marriage. I confessed then he confessed in retaliation. We split up, did marriage counseling and renewed our vows. Since then there have been 30+ women he’s texted, fb inboxed, face time chatted with and got caught. HE lies when I ask so i always have to ask the women what the context of the relationships are. Lately there has been one female he’s been caught talking to 3 times within a 2 month span. Its driving me crazy. I cant believe anything he says. After the 3rd time catching them they both vowed to stop talking and he’s given me access to his phone, email, and all social media. I decided after 2 weeks that I dont want to babysit him to hold him accountable. We recently started counseling (my demand or I was leaving). I want to grow old with this man and be his life partner, not just his wife. But how can I move forward knowing ive been faithful to him for 5 years while he’s continued with his antics all this time? Am I supposed to wait another 10 yrs for him to finally get it? *sigh*

  79. Duncan

    January 11, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you for this article. I must be the most insecure guy on the planet. I have always given my girlfriend’s a hard time because my mind thinks up the most horrible things all the time everyday and its so stressful for everyone involved and draining too! I want to start reassuring myself instead of constantly chasing it. Every single bullet point is me all over. The next time I feel insecure (undoubtedly tomorrow) I will tell myself that she loves me values me and that I’m important to her. Hopefully I can get into the habbit of reassuring myself so she doesn’t have to all the time. Thanks again x

  80. Star

    January 11, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    Hi…
    I’m in a relationship, in which he does not want a future with me..He says he has some family problems and his parents would never accept me… i’m ok with that.. but recently i feel like he has become very distant with me.. there are absolutely no sweet messages or anything like that… he calls me once a day or so.. i do not expect too much from him.. but certainly a msg saying ‘hug’ or ‘love you’ is not too much to ask, is it? i do not know why he does not respond to my texts or sound a little mysterious when i ask him something.. is it because he does not want me to get hurt as there is no future? or is it because he is not interested in me anymore or has found someone better?? I don understand what to do.. i see him online all the time.. but he does not send me any messages or anything.. i’m afraid of asking him about it as i don’t want to be humiliated with things like ‘i need to grow up’ or something like that… would be grateful if you could help me

  81. Michelle

    January 17, 2015 at 7:05 am

    I really appreciate this article, I was in 2 previous marriages and in both I was cheated on, and my last marriage was a very painful one that sent me into depression. I met a wonderful guy but I have a huge fear that he may cheat on me, his ex wife lives in the same town and she has been trying to contact me and with my past experience I am so scared. He is great with my kids and is with me almost every night since we live together and when I bring up how I feel he gets so frustrated with me and says he wants to be with me and only me. I am trying to keep my strength and head clear of negative thoughts but being cheated on continuously in my past 2 marriages has made this very hard for me, I am trying to trust again but I am finding it so difficult. I am so afraid I am going to push him away and lose him if I do not change my way of thinking, just finding it so hard to do that.

  82. tracy

    January 18, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    Great article, so many friends an family have gave the same advice. However i cant get past it still. My fiance of 12 years has cheated several times for different reasons. When we got together i was getting out of a 13 year marriage, my husband wanted kids an i didn’t otherwise we had a pretty decent marriage. The first time my new boyfriend cheated told me when i had evidence that he did it because he thought it just a matter of time that my husband an i would reunite as we still remained friends an everyone told him what a great couple we were until the children problems, so he cheated he claims for that reason. I forgave him an thought it a valid point even i might think if the tables were turned. We moved on seemingly great till i found websites chat rooms an dating sites he was on an he forgot his cell phone behind the couch one day an answered it. This girl thought i must be his mother an proceeded to ask me to rely a message. She wanted to give him the changed details of her grandmothers funeral as my boyfriend had been comforting her through this hard time an she really needed his love an support. After that once again in time i find more dating profiles of his online, one even going as far to say he had his own home loved doing home repairs an long walks with his two dogs. Well its my house i bought an renovated with my money blood sweat an tears an my two dogs he has never had dogs! These last few times he claimed he cheated( after countless denials) that i wasn’t giving him enough attention i spend too much time working fixing an renovating my new home an spent a lot of time with friends an my dogs ignoring him an his concerns, this is why he cheated yet again. I tried to play devils advocate an spent a lot of time doing exactly what he claimed he needed regardless of the fact that i don’t need constant attention an care about an have more interests other than lavishing him with love an attention constantly. Things really seemed good for many years after an i thought we had turned a corner,until i found over 300 emails one day from his ex that he always claimed he hated an found her manipulative after telling him she was pregnant with his child to keep him, he of course believed her until evidence came up it,may not be his,but her ex’s who she had been sleeping with also at the time so he always had so much hate for her an his parents constantly told him how happy they were she was out of the picture an he had finally met a Nice girl with morals an to hang onto me. I truly believed he thought the same till these 300 emails from her were staring back at me, not to mention the pictures of her naked an the spots where they had had sex. So many emails with too many points an instances that only very few people could know. Facts an arguments an suspicions i had mentioned to him, secret hiding spots an meetings, him stopping by on their lunch hours, her bra being undone after returning to work an realizing that he hadn’t done it back up after their”lunch”. Comments about following me on several occasions not knowing if it was me or actually him driving my jeep. Any way you get the idea, i confronted him an he hasn’t admitted it yet that was two years ago!! I checked his car one day way after i confronted him when he was out of town at a baseball game with his dad, or so he says! I found a i opened box of condoms two minutes after getting in on the driver side door compartment. I should mention he is a sales rep for companies an the brand of condoms i found he does sell an gives out samples to. I confronted him when he got home an he was furious to say the least that i had got into his car to spy on him, he went nuts on me!! After a few days he settled down an told me that he had given some out as samples to stores an clients, then getting angry again just talking about it, he had the nerve to blame me!! He thinks i or one of my friends created all the emails an i planted the opened box of condoms in his car in an attempt to set him up so i would have leverage in getting him out of my life an my home an people would side an have pity for me, can you believe it?? To this day he still wont admit to any of it after constant badgering from me over the last year even when I show him the emails an pictures an some with his rings i bought him over the years, some pics he sent her of himself in my car, etc etc. He still claims i or somebody set him out,and get over it an move on. He didn’t do it, he still loves me an only me, he’s not cheating with anyone an i need not worry he’s a changed man after he seen the toll the many years of cheating has done to me mentally an physically!! He wants me to forgive an forget yet again as this time he really hasn’t done anything wrong. So… How do i know he’s been faithful when some much evidence is right in front of me an his excuses are so bogus?? How do i do what you say an not worry an waste time focusing on the negative an trust an believe him? He says he will take half of everything i have an take me to court an ask i support him as i make way more money an the house, all contents an my jeep are mine only, but were looked at as common law, he claims all of this saying it as a threat to make me believe he didn’t do this most recent cheating. He claims if i don’t believe him he will go ahead with it just to try to make me understand how serious he is an that id be throwing everything away for no reason an he would wanna hurt me as much as i have him believing the lies about him cheating. I am so confused an want to be able to do what you have said as i know your right an i wanna be that person not the crazied,confused, stressed out person i have become from all this over the years. It has contributed to some serious health issues i currently have. I wanna believe him, its in my nature but honestly i just cant seem to get past it an im obsessed with needing to know the real truth, i cant go on happily with the what ifs. I really need him to come clean with me an admit it an explain why. I cant move on or even think of ever meeting somebody good because i wont be able to trust them an i fear i will always be wondering an trying to find out if i can trust them. IM 44 years old an want a normal happy life for whatever time i may have left, i just want to shut off my brain an these thoughts because its consuming me an with my current health problems i cant deal with all this stress an im not in any shape to force him out an get into the fight of my life if he would make good on his threats, but also i don’t know how to live with this or change my feelings an thoughts i constantly have an its equally bad for me right now. Please, advice from anyone right now would be greatly appreciated!!

  83. Saddend

    January 27, 2015 at 11:05 am

    A few weekends back my fiancé and I were both drunk at a bar with one of his friends. His friend was the third wheel so we decided to try to get him to talk to any girl in the bar. I spotted one, saw her from afar, thought she looked decent. He never went to talk to her. After we had left my fiancé started to toy with his friend about how he should have talked to the girl. Then after a moment of silence he turned to me as said “Hell babe, we should have just gotten her for ourselves.” I was speechless and instantly heart broken. Of course I fired back with a “no way” and ” a threesome would ruin our relationship.” All he had to say was that it was a hypothetical and that it wouldn’t be cheating if we did it together. I can’t stop thinking about it. I look at him differently and fear that he will cheat on me with another woman at some point no matter how much I please him or love him. It’s plaguing my brain.

    • Maikin

      January 6, 2016 at 6:37 am

      Yes, quite a rumble going on i guess… I think that people who want to do this kind of stuff during a relationship have some issues. They are not necessarily crazy or sick, they only have lacks due to some events in their childhood, mostly. They feel that doing a 3 some will fulfill them, take care of that craving. Sex is very natural and we are all differently hardwired when it comes to it. Some people need a lot but can contain it and some need more and can’t contain it. 100% of the time your gut feeling is right. If you think he is not acting upon it, you are right. If you try to convince yourself that he is not, well then I would inquire with him and make things clear. Face the facts. So often we don’t ask in fear of being lied to, very difficult, and the fear of losing this or that which we have built with the other person. I say we have one life and might as well live it in hapiness.

  84. Robert

    February 13, 2015 at 8:22 pm

    So earlier tonight, my girlfriend and I got into it about some of my insecurities with our relationship which led me to this great article. We have been dating for a year and 2 months and I love this girl to death – sometimes maybe too much because it leads to me being clingy and controlling. The bad part is that I know that I am controlling but I don’t want to be. Like honestly, who enjoys getting their heart rate up and panicking because their significant other is “supposedly cheating” when really they are being extremely loyal and doing nothing wrong?
    Anyways, I had the characteristics of most of the bullet points above and they almost described my thoughts and actions perfectly.

    The reason I am writing is due to the point that was made about your other just not dealing with the insecurity and controlling nature anymore. My girlfriend warned me that this is where things were going… honestly it seemed as if she had memorized the paragraphs related to ending things because she said the exact same thing to me. I truly don’t want this to happen and that is why I searched for what possible disorders I may have to take medicine or what I could do to fix it. I am confident that she loves me enough to never do anything to me while she is in a good mood or not under the influence of alcohol or anything else. What worries me is the situation where she is in the setting of a bar with the girls and she is a little tipsy and an attractive guy walks up and she remembers something that I did that made her mad or upset before. All of these combined could be worth the betrayal. So if I had it my way, why don’t we go out together? I don’t go out alone with my friends because I don’t want her to do it. IS THERE ANY SOLUTION TO THIS AT ALL??

    • Ray

      June 11, 2015 at 1:32 am

      Robert, do this: decide what you love to do, outside of work. Is it softball, martial arts, singing playing the guitar? Being yourself and doing what you love is very sexy to a women. Following this guys articles and U-tube videos, Corey Wayne. He’s the best out there on the web. Its simple, You have to find your passion, it builds your confidence and that the number one thing women like in a man. It really doesn’t matter what she does, you cant change her. If she’s a cheater, you cant change her. You can only change yourself. Hey, if you like to go to the gym or what ever your passion is and you follow your passion, you will be working on yourself. And, you can believe me women absolutely love that about a man. Plus is she leaves you will be ready for the next women to enter your life. Hope this helps? If helps me write about it b/c it reinforces what I have learned. Best wishes, Ray

  85. mimi

    March 14, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Just make yourself the best most valuable person you know how and let things be.
    if after all your efforts they still dont like you and are cheating why do you need them? get rid of them for your own self esteem.
    Someone that likes you will come a long and then you will wonder why you were settling for jerks.

  86. Maria simpson

    April 3, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Found out 3wks ago my ex of20 years has been seeing his beat mates sister yet is alcohic he said wasent like that said he new what was going through as i did have a drink problem yet he rang socail sevices he donno if he loves her he has slept with her yet wonts us to try again slowely dont no what to do as if didnt find out howmuch longer would of it carried on

  87. Stressed and pregnant

    April 12, 2015 at 6:22 am

    This post really hit home for me. I find myself doing ALL of the things mentioned in the bullet points.

    I’m 31 years old and I’m with my fiance who is 33 years old. I am 4 & 1/2 months pregnant with our first baby. In many ways, my man is the man of my dreams. We are opposites, though. I am shy and introverted and hate being in social situations. He is extroverted and flirty and a people person. I know that’s just his personality and that’s something I cannot change. It is hard to deal with at times though.

    We met through a mutual friend of ours. I considered her to be one if my best friends. She used to work with him (she quit when she was about 6 months pregnant). Anyway, before I had any interest in him, she talked about him constantly even though she was engaged at the time (now married). She even told me before that if she wasn’t with her now-husband that she would want to be with him. I didn’t think much about it at the time because i didn’t care because he wasn’t mine. Then once she got married she kept trying to get me to go out with him. I eventually agreed and naturally I fell in love with him instantly.

    I moved in with him shortly after we got together. I noticed then how flirty they were towards each other and it hurt me a lot. It made me sick to my stomach every time he went to work because i knew he’d be with her all day long. Well one night, he went to the bathroom and left his phone out in the living room where I was and my curiosity got the best of me and I started looking through his phone. I looked at the text messages and I was horrified. They went back to way before we were together and she was referring to him as her “boyfriend” and then in the more recent messages she called him her “husband”. They also sent astrological sign sexual compatibility charts to each other. Why would they do that if they’re just “friends”? I was so hurt and furious and I felt helpless because I just moved in with him a few weeks before that. He came out of the bathroom and found me bawling. I told him I found the messages and he said it was all a joke between them at work and that he didn’t feel that way towards her. Which most of the inappropriate messages were all from her, he didn’t really respond much to that but then it’s hard to tell what happened in person. But he denied any wrongdoing and said he’d never hurt me like that. When I confronted her though she became completely on the defense. She said she did nothing wrong and that she’d forgive ME for even accusing her of that. Needless to say that completely ruined our friendship. She seemed to forget all the stuff she told me about him before I ever got with him. Now I can’t trust her ever again. She got pregnant around the time I got with him too so I was afraid the whole time the baby was his. I know it’s her husband’s baby though because it looks just like him.

    This has taken it’s toll on our relationship too. It has made me obsess constantly over his phone and who he is talking to. His ex kept trying to contact him too which I know is not his fault but I made him put a stop to that. I made him block certain people on Facebook. I check his phone and I check EVERYTHING.

    Like I said I am now 4 & 1/2 months pregnant with our first baby and we got engaged this valentine’s day. But I can tell I am pushing him away by the constant need for reassurance and by monitoring everything he does. He used to text me all day long at work and now I barely hear from him at all at work. He claims he’s busy but he is just as busy as he was before when he would text me all the time. I am still constantly worried and full of anxiety every time he goes to work even though she hasn’t worked there in about a half a year. I check her Facebook and get so anxious when I see she is going anywhere that he could possibly be. I don’t need this kind of stress in my life with my baby. I want to trust him but it is so hard when our relationship practically started out with reasons to immediately distrust.

    I am going to try to follow the advice on here to try to let go of the fear. But I don’t know if I can do it. I feel like I am doomed because even if he does cheat now I don’t know what I could do about it since I’m pregnant with his baby and I completely rely on him for everything now. I just feel so desperate. I hate living like this. He is my world and now our baby is too and it consumes me. I find it hard to ever feel happy anymore when I’m constantly worried that he’ll cheat and/or leave me. I just wish I could go one day without having to feel this pain.

  88. Brian

    April 22, 2015 at 6:39 am

    Great article. 1 year ago I found myself in despair and complete shock. Married 15yrs my wife was a stay at home mom and loved it. She was an Angel for all of those years. I worked a lot in order for her to stay at home with our kids.(her choice).let me first say I despise cheating and in my line of business I am in the homes with wives alone and have had numerous chances. I never cheated and in fact I always told her about any advances toward me to be honest and it was something I was proud of. I was so proud of being faithful. Our 2 boys become school aged and she started working at a local school. Long story short I found out the day she was supposed to go to dr for birth control she actually went to a co-workers house and cheated on me. A total of 5-6 times unprotected and no birth control. She lied and never once told me the truth. I had to go thru her phone to find the truth and it was something I had never done being so trusting. She became pregnant. Luckily I was blessed with another baby boy this past December and he was mine. She lied so much and through the messages she ran me down and talked down about me and I feel like she fell in love with him. She says she’s sorry and seems to be back to normal but a year later I still don’t trust her even though she’s trying. My heart is broken and I worked so hard to keep our relationship faithful since I always thought it was mostly men who cheat. I love her so much but I no longer feel like she is as special to me as she used to be. There is a lot more info to the story regarding her lying, cheating etc but being a faithful person I can’t seem to let it go and I cannot seem to get my confidence back anymore.

    • James

      June 26, 2015 at 8:38 am

      Pray about it man. Let God show you the way. Allow me to share what im going through right now…I have been with my Wife for 17 years and Married for 11. She was my first. We have 2 beautiful children together, ages 5 and 10. I love her to death. Now throughout our marriage she has made me feel insecure and there has been times that I caught her flirting with someone to the point that the conversation was leading to a sexual one. I’ve endured her immaturity and even when she went out and told me details about the events shes been to, she lied about them. It took for a friend to send me pictures of my Wife in uncompromising situations that she had no business being in. And my Wife lied to me about them. And when I confronted her with proof all I ever get is “Im sorry or I forgot or I didnt think it was important because she nipped it in the bud before it could get any deeper.” We used to have talks about being human and making mistakes and bringing it all to the table, just be open and 100% honest with each other. I always felt like I was alone in this doing. It caused my insecurities and neglect to set in. That along with people who Ive never shared my feelings and stories with, told me things that they’ve noticed about her aswell as her whereabouts. It was too much of a coincidence and everything matched up to what and how I felt throughout the years. I got to a point where I felt like I couldn’t confide in her because she would go and tell her best friend (which is a cancer to our relationship), we never could go a week without an argument. I got to the point where I just didnt care anymore and I decided to just do me. I use none of this as an excuse because I could have taken other avenues but in the end I chose to cheat. Now the problem is that I fell for this other woman and found it hard to let her go because I felt safe and secure, loved, appreciated, and trusting of her. She had given me everything everything I wanted from my wife and has proven to me that our future would look promising. However, my Wife denies any and everything of her doing me wrong and dirty. She left me. We have been seperated for 4 months. Doing this time she has been out there so called livning the single life while trying make me miserable. But through it all I have been trying to reconcile. I even cut ties with this other woman, but was told that they will not wait for me if things dont work out because I should have left my situation a long time ago. Long story short, my Wife lied to me about the guys she’s been with. And come to find out that her friend who is a known whore and also married by the way, (which her husband doesnt care becasue they are swingers and have an open marriage). Something I am totally against, her so called best friend is bringing her down and even offering up her bed so that my Wife can continue to perform adultery. Thats not a friend at all, and she should be told to fix and fight for her marriage. I myself am tired of fighting and am at the point where im beginning to no longer want her as she is allowing herself to be used up sexually by these men who dont care about her, im tired of her being influence by anyone not being positive in her life. But in my heart I want her back so that I can have my family as a whole again. I ask for everyone’s prayers because im done and after she told me on Fathers Day a few days ago that she doesnt want me anymore, it crushed me and yet im still trying and fighting. But this is my last attempt at reconciliation before I let go. Im no longer gonna be a fool. I owned up to my mistakes but I feel alone. Pray for me.

    • Michael

      October 27, 2015 at 8:52 am

      I feel you man, I was in a relationship for only 2 years, I thought it was it, I’m starting to build my future with that person and everything and then find out about the cheating. I am so devastated and my confidence shattered. Im in a new relationship now, And I’m constantly nagging about it. I am so afraid, that I might ruin the relationship. it is so hard!!!

    • Brian

      January 1, 2016 at 9:25 am

      Brian, similar story from me. I have always had trust issues in my relationship with my wife. I’m sadly a very jealous person when it comes to who is showing her attention, so much as to peer into the eye of any men in the room if we’re at a party busying myself throughout the night with worry about who is going to hit on her, watching her eye contact with men and her body language. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how pathetic that must seem to her to be with such an insecure man. However, as expected the worry eventually turned into reality one night when she was on a business trip. She went down to the bar alone, started drinking whiskey which she never drinks, and ended up well you guessed it in a room with a guy from the bar. She’s a beautiful woman, that is confident yet approachable. I knew something was up when she stopped returning my text or inquiries of how her night went. Then she called me the next morning and I immediately questioned what had happened and she said she kissed a guy at the bar. It wasn’t until the guilt set in on her long flight home did she have the nerve to tell me the complete truth. I was devastated. 13 years of marriage. I stormed out of the house and she then goes on to tell my brother and my entire family what had happened and how some of it was even MY FAULT! Then she tells her family as well with the same reasons trying to ease the guilt off her shoulders by telling them I pressured her into worrying about cheating so much that eventually it just happened. Well that was 2 years ago. Many counseling sessions..I let it all go. I started drinking excessively and that would just lead into more anger. after a year of being on the fence on what to do I finally forgave her. But forgiving and forgetting and being able to build that trust just can’t take shape for me. I try and try, and all that ends up happening is something stupid will take place, such as her latest story about joining a gym during her lunch hour at work. Well there are usually only two people in the gym. Her and the male gym owner. I immediately became insecure about the situation and dropped hints of concerns that she thinks are ridiculous. Then the other night in bed she told me how sad it was that I was so insecure, and I was like….Hello!!!! Do you not understand why I would be!! You cheated on me and told the whole world it was my fault. We have two beautiful children, but I just don’t think I can go on living my life worrying about if she is cheating or not. I understand the old, don’t worry about what you can’t control, however in this circumstance another incident would devastate me to no end. So terribly upset with myself, and the fact that my wife thinks I should just be over it without any issues. I can’t help but check her phone for indiscretion, but knowing that I’m doing that isn’t going to stop her from doing it. It just makes me sick. signed cappybp9@gmail.com. Thanks for letting me sound off.

  89. Carolina

    April 22, 2015 at 11:43 am

    Omg this article said everything I needed to hear!
    My ex husband constantly cheated on me and it was a physically and mentally abusive relationship. He finally left me for his now ex girlfriend. I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing man for almost 2 years and I’ve had a really hard time letting go of that fear and this article made it all so clear on how useless it is to worry and what to do. I’m so glad I found this article and I’m sure I’ll be re-reading it haha THANK YOU

    • Enrique

      May 18, 2015 at 5:15 am

      I found this article very helpful, thank you so much for your time and posting this. I love that you touched every level needed to help us move forward this fear and even to let go of what we are keeping alive by thinking of it, and the law of attraction. This is such an amazing article thank you so much for sharing. I also have found “the power of now” to be very helpful for my fear and acknowledging my fears, to view it and let it pass as its a moment that is triggered due to a past I had but I don’t have to become that identity. It’s been 4 years and I still have ups and downs but I’m getting a lot better and I’ve found becoming aware of my feelings and thoughts it dissolves a lot of pressure that can be stirred by just a thought or a feeling, and to just know and Separate the person that I’m with now is not the same person I was with in the past and I see there intentions, there intentions are always good. Thank you again :)

    • TRC

      July 1, 2015 at 7:05 am

      You could have been married to a narcissist. That would explain his brutality and lack of boundaries

  90. lea

    June 5, 2015 at 12:17 am

    Hi,

    I have only been married since September 2014 and my husband has had sexual contact with two women since then.

    In December 2014 I had a message on a social network site telling me that she was having an affair with my husband, but when i asked him he denied it but then admited to sex texting, messaging and talking to her but never met her. She said she did meet him and has no reason to lie. Probably stupidly i forgave hime.

    April 2014 I found out that he was sex texting again and told him it was over and asked him to leave, as i have three children from another marraige but don’t work i had not where i could leave to, but after my husband and his parents talked me around into letting him stay, i did but now i just feel like i am waiting for it to happen again and getting terrible headache’s because of it.

    Any suggestions on how to start trusting again or any suggestions as to if just to give up on this one would be great

    lea

  91. Stephen

    June 10, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    This helped me alot my girlfriend cheated on me 2 months ago and I loved her so much that I took her back but I’ve always been suspicious she was gonna do it again and it was driving me insane the constant wondering if she’s with someone else or trying to measure to other guys this article helped me let go of all that and let me trust her again and helped us become stronger in our relationship so thank you for this.

  92. Ray

    June 11, 2015 at 1:09 am

    I strongly suggest, everyone reading this post from Corey Wayne – crazy needy jealous love. This is a great video if you want more help! I have listened to it over and over and over and over again. I have had a long history of women cheating on me (Like every women I have dated and my ex-wife). Reading this post, I am so glad to know that I am not the only one struggling with this FEAR being cheated on and the feeling of rejection. I would never think of putting someone through this. Life is too short. This article made me realize that, no matter how good we are to the one we love and how much we do for them, that person could still cheat on us, deceive us and lie to us. We can’t change that person nor should we try. I have told my gf on those occasions when she feels like she wants to cut and run, that I am not interested in a friendship with her and that if we break up she will never see me again, we are done. “When we are done, we are really done”. No email, no text, no phone calls, etc. I feel I am much too old to play games but I still have my moments of feeling insecure. She on the other hand, has the propensity to cheat, I think. Her first love after SHE left her husband, accused her of cheating on him. He must have had good reason to read her computer when she was away. He secretly read her emails and found that she was flirting with someone online. I have learned a lot about human relationship behavior through coach Coryne Wayne teachings. One of the best thing s I have learned is the following; when someone is accusing you of lying to them about something and you know what you have not, its because they have lied to you about something and they are trying to make thing even by accusing you of lying to them. Watch for this the next time someone points that finger to you and thing about if there was recent time when you suppeded them of doing something the same.
    She has two male friends that she refuses to introduce me too. I have met all her other friends. But she keeps these two friends as A back up plan in case I leave her. I don’t think it is the fear of her cheating on me is as important of the feeling of I can trust her and I continue to question her loyalty. Her loyalty to me is extremely important and is the number of thing for men in relationships according to Steve Harvey in his book, “Think like a man, act like a women”. AS you can tell I have done a lot of thinking about this subject and I am very worn out and finally have giving up. In that, there is nothing I can do to stop her if she decides to cheat on me and it is her problem, her loss and her choosing if she decides to act this way. I am the catch, I am the prize and she will miss her once in a life time opportunity to have someone who really loves her. Many times, I think Ia m just waiting for it to happen and for me to catch her in the act. This article along with Steve Harvey’s book and coach Corey Wayne has helped me a lot. I am very grateful to have found this article.

  93. Tammie Carlisle

    July 1, 2015 at 12:55 am

    I am struggling with suspicions about my husband and I’m not sure what to make of it. During the last 5 years I have survived being physically abused, he has had cancer, and our relationship had been strained, Io discovered that there was woman who he had been on Facebook with for several years who is also third cousin that he lost contact with. My suspicions really began when we bumped into her at a football game. He had seemed irritated that I was going. I had found several years of Facebook messages that made me uncomfortable, but they both acted awkwardly around each other in person. Now, I am easily triggered by and hyper sensitive to every little thing. I can’t prove anything, but it am riddled with anxiety that I’m living with a man that is cheating on me. I am seeing a counselor who thinks my instincts are spot on.

  94. TRC

    July 1, 2015 at 7:02 am

    My husband is a very attractive, outgoing guy who loves attractive women. He looks at porn once in awhile, but tells me about it. He also looks at erotic pictures of women, once in awhile, but tells me about it and shows me. Anyway, his son just married a 30 year old woman and when I looked at her Facebook page I felt really uncomfortable. She take a lot of posed pictures of herself in barely there clothing and seems to want everyone on Facebook to see her like this. The reason I’m writing is because my son-in-law just married her because he got her pregnant. She was not yet divorced when he got her pregnant and she has another child by another man in Korea. Anyway, they will be staying with me and my husband for almost 3 weeks and it makes me really nervous. My husband doesn’t always have the greatest boundaries and she doesn’t seem to either. I won’t say anything, lest I want to cause a family war, but I’m writing here to vent and express some anxiety. Thank you for listening.

  95. Brown

    July 4, 2015 at 12:35 am

    This has really helped me to some extent…. I have been worried and scared about my partner leaving me and it has caused me having depression and also feeling sick I don’t even eat at all because am thinking about her every day but she loves me so much and I know it but am just scared of the fact that she might leave but reading this article has made me feel a little better….. Thanks

  96. Tina

    July 8, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Loved this read….
    Been cheated on SO many times I feel as if, everyone will. I’m always on the lookout for something negative. I can’t stand it. I’m literally my own worst enemy. I have days where I swear he wouldn’t do that to me/us… And then other days I’m guilty of thinking he’s totally being with someone else. Whether, it be there company or sex. I have been guilty of all of the above. Snooping, checking up and so on… Smelling his work clothes and all!! I’m very insecure if, you haven’t noticed already! I let it eat me away that the very little time we do have together I spend half of it thinking what’s he been up to?! Am I being played for a fool… Is he lying!! Does he really leave work when he says he does… All sorts of thoughts go racing and then I can’t enjoy or be happy in the moment with him. I let it ruin the day! I try to talk myself out of negative thinking, but my face gives it away that something’s wrong, and I always reply with the same old “oh nothing” he knows me to well… It then puts him in a mood. It’s hard and I love him… He loves me too… We have a house, a family!!! Trying to be more positive… I want it for not only my relationship, but most of all me…

  97. kvalentin

    July 8, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    The advice on this article is really good but I have a concern. I just came from a very bad experience of discovering my husband’s affair and being lied to at least 6 times before he ended the affair. This was last year. Although we have decided to work on a marriage and stay together, I am experiencing those feelings you mentioned at the start of the article. I want to stop worrying and focus on building my self-worth and self-esteem. Your article seems to be targeted to those who haven’t experienced infidelity with the current partner they’re with. So my question is: how do you stop worrying and start moving on?

  98. Alicia

    July 14, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Thank you for this article, although I am still lost. I think I am in both categories. I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years. I’m so sick of having these gut feelings and trying to get over them. I haven’t found anything to say he has cheated but I’ve caught him telling lies from the beginning with covering for a friend of his that cheats, saying he went fishing but actually went partying instead with randoms, promised me he wouldn’t tell people something and he has and him playing pick up games when his out with friends or on vacation, like how many numbers can they get. I’ve found out a few things and confronted him and he gets angry and puts up a wall. He confesses but is not happy to and gets annoyed that I didn’t trust him!?! He has never reassured me that he would never cheat but says I’m being jealous or crazy. I have always been a snooper and no matter if it’s a friend or a partner, but I don’t mean any harm. But I can see how that would annoy him. We used to share email and FB passwords but now he hides that from me. He says that he lies to me about things because he knows I’ll get angry do something out of spite. I have told him I have lost trust in him, I would like to think he would never cheat but if he has done all the stuff above, then what is stopping him from cheating. His best mate cheats on my best friend all the time and tries to drag my partner into it. I guess I just need some advise whether I talk to him again and confess all my fears and let it all go or if you think these are bad things that his doe and I should leave. I don’t think he would ever tell me anything unless I find proof and then still, how do I know his not missing parts. gah I dunno, please help, I am sooo lost.

  99. michelle

    July 16, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    yes I too was burned in a relationship but thru that I met thee love off my life now 4 yrs. He is in Canada and I am in states. 4 hrs apart. It has been a test. I know he loves me and we share the most amazing relationship. But he text a “fling” in the beginning of our relationship via facebook. I read it and was destroyed. A total hook up— “wanna play, and I get out of work thurs evening at 8p. I am still destroyed and he knew what he did . Problem is the insecurity has devoured me and sometimes if I get rude he will shut down his phone for the night. LATELY he has shut down the phone 2 times in 10 days He said he was with his son and his phone died, I believe it but my self esteem has been shot. I have lost myself. one nite I text 172 times with 15 messages. I got drunk dont’t even remember what I said. I feel like he betrayed me but if shoe on the other foot I must be like a ball and chain to him emotionally. I love this guy w all my heart and my past is destroying us. it just hurts to b twisted like this. I d kill kill for a non jealous med!

  100. chloe

    July 18, 2015 at 4:10 am

    ill start back two years ago when I met Daniel, he was terribly verbally abusive and did have many indiscretions some of which I still never got confirmed. No biggy I lost 24 lbs got my confidence back from which he had broken my spirits, and left. about a month or so later I had got in touch with a old friend who I was so infatuated with it was probably not the healthiest thing, and then I met the “one”. he was amazing, respectful, well built, and he did very well. but I never let go of the old friend. I know what its about, I know he doesn’t love me like I loved him. I was nothing but booty. I have a hard time respecting myself and telling myself no. but I cant ruin it with the “one”. were due to get married actually 4/1/16.

    its easy to cheat to full those desires. but my advice is don’t. turns out in the beginning the “one” had a little text sexting going on for a bit but when I seen it, it was done. now im not the nosey girlfriend at all but because I was doing the same but actually worse, I knew the signs. smiling at texts, constantly bringing them up and not even trying to. its been hard, the “one” has no idea. women can blame men for being so terrible but truth is we are just better at not getting caught. either way I feel terrible and I just hope me being dumb and risking the greatest thing ive had wont cost me the “one”

  101. Silk

    July 20, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Cried a little, really got to me. Thank you

  102. bri weston

    July 21, 2015 at 3:37 am

    this really did help my perspective a bit. I actually cheated on my husband, then from my guilt and insecurities was obsessing that he is doing the same with a mutual friend and it was about to drive me insane, but this really did help…thank you!

  103. Kar

    July 21, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    I have a problem, this article describes exactly what my wife is currently feeling and her reactions toward me due to her past relationship/betrayal. We have been married for 3 years and seem like her reactions of fear as you have listed in your article above is getting more and more intense but she is never admitting it. I have never cheated against her in our relationship and I have gone to a point that is a female sits in front of us in a restaurant, I have to look away to avoid any arguments that I may be looking at the female even though its in my line of view. I have to look away while walking into a bunch of girls and even inform her who i go to lunch with. Otherwise, I will be definitely be accused of being with a woman even though I am not and I am really tired of trying struggling even though I have no intentions at all. Men sometimes check out on girls but I just feel that is the nature and that does not mean we are up to something bad or naughty. She even has access to all my social media and phone. All these has lead to many endless arguments and as you have stated above “it’s never enough. It’s also exhausting for a partner to keep trying to convince you of their love”.

    What should I do? I love her very much and wanted to pull her out of this hole. I keep throwing away the bad arguments, one after another, but I feel I am starting to losing the strength and evergy to fight a battle I didnt create and how long more do I have to endure such torture.

    Please help and I thank you for listening.

  104. Chey

    July 21, 2015 at 9:50 pm

    So I’m here because I was trying to find some help I am so torn I’ve lost feelings for my husband… I am almost 22 he was my high school sweetheart we got married at 18 but after we got married I found out about what he had been doing behind my back:/ a while lot of it was online like Facebook Twitter snap chat kik and some dating sites he has cheated on me every way possible and when I was out of town buying stuff for our wedding I found out he had another woman at our house doin it in our bed I had no idea. And I’ve called him out on everything on 15 diffrent occasions and he just can’t stop not only was the cheating killing me inside he was verbally abusing me making me feel worthless he wouldn’t let me do any of the things I use to love leave the house and he accused me of cheating and thereason he cheated on me was always my fault I’ve tried everything from leaving him to let him have sex with whoever else and we could get back together just dealing with it but it just got worse and now I want to leave I’m so emotionally broken and hurt paranoid but I feel like staying isn’t helping me but he won’t let me go and I don’t know what to do I cry every night my heart literally hurts I want to live and have a life and have friends I have one friend which is fine but I feel soo lonely and I’m only 22 if anyone can help me would I be in the wrong if I leave? Every chime on his phone makes me scared but he checks my phone constantly and gets on all my stuff and gets drunk and yells at me if a guy likes anything on my Facebook or something I’m not happy and I wish I would have known before I got married I really need some help

  105. John

    August 3, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Looking for Wisdom.

    My wife and I have both been married once before. Early in our relationship during that first flush,honeymoon period, like many others, we shared (limited) detail about our past sexual experience. Part of which for her was a one night stand whilst married to her previous husband. She vowed never to tell me who it was though and I understood. We both accepted that the past was the past and moved on to enjoy what is a loving and fulfilling marriage of 10 years plus. Enter a problem. Recently, she disclosed to me who the ONS was with and it turns out that it was someone that I know. Whatever defences I had put up to compartmentalise her previous dalliance were shattered and now I feel like it happened yesterday TO US!!!. Not 15 years ago before we had even met. I know that I’m being irrational to be hurt by this but that doesn’t make it any better. I would love some advice on this from the wider wisdom

  106. Glenda

    August 4, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    Great advice! But what if you’re significant other already has cheated on you, physically and emotionlly… but you you decided to give them a second chance. WhaT can you do now? This is my situation, and I’m filled with anxiety everytime he doesn’t respond to my texts after an hour. And I jump to the conclusion that he’s cheating.

  107. Emma

    August 7, 2015 at 3:47 am

    I loved this article. Helped me a lot with my insecurities. Really helped me realize that it’s an internal battle more than one between me and him. Thank you so much xx

  108. Alicia

    August 7, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    I found this article in search of some advice because the fear of my boyfriend cheating on me is completely devouring me. Things are pretty awful right now, we’re fighting constantly because I simply don’t trust him & he has basically the same issues only difference is I will indefinitely break up over cheating & he has expressed to me that he would forgive me because he loves me so much & couldn’t live without me? Which I don’t really understand because I just could never forgive/take back a cheater. I’m not really sure why I’m so worried about him cheating on me, I guess I just don’t want to be hurt but it’s literally driving me insane to the point where I don’t trust him AT ALL. I’ve never been cheated on before or he’s never cheated on me to my knowledge so I don’t know why this is plaguing me so terribly.

  109. Danielle

    August 12, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Wow this is amazing. Such wisdom. This has helped me a lot thank you so much! 👍

  110. Quixotic

    August 13, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Totally agree! Its better to breath your own lol! its just a waste of time to control other people. They have their feelings to, mind to control them. Its just how we reacted to the situation. Being cheated before was feeling like a hell! But it seems i realized that makes me feel hell is my reaction. The way that he choose to stay with you means that you have a whole lot worth compare with the other one.So just feel beautiful, have a good outlook in life and continue living. As long as your not bothering other people…stay naive so you’ll not feel affected.

  111. Jai

    August 17, 2015 at 8:21 pm

    Hi, I have this fear about my partner even she is true to me (which actually I don’t know). whenever I thought to get rid of those fear I can’t, like u said I had a healthy conversation with her. She promised me that she hadn’t cheated on me. How do I get rid of those fear? Could you pls help me?

  112. Evelyn

    August 25, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Thanks so much for this great article. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year, and two years ago I discovered several conversations on his phone that revealed and affair with two different girls. When I confronted him, he accepted his guilt, said he was sorry and has really made an effort to save the relationship. He has made important changes in the way he communicates and he has stopped all communication with these girls. However, I have made several mistakes, such as checking his electronics, confronting him with questions about who he is talking to when I see him chatting in my presence, blaming him for my anxiety and sadness after what happenned, etc. He has been very patient during this time, but lately he has become angry and sad because he says he feels no matter how hard he tries, I´m constantly judging him based on the past and that I´m not respecting his right to privacy because I always want to check is electronics. He has changed the password on all of them and gets angry if I nag him about why he stayed up late, or why he´s online and not talking to me, or asking him what he´s doing every hour. I´ve become really annoying and I don´t know how to stop. The fear of losing him and the trauma of what I went through is going to chase him away because of my actions. I really wish I could relax, let him have his privacy and trust him. I love him dearly and I know he does too, and we both want to be together, but I´m ruining it. Please help me!

  113. marcela

    August 26, 2015 at 10:39 am

    What are the obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, and how to you trust your own intuition when Im working jealous and suspicious ?? What are examples of boundaries that a couple should look out for?
    Thanks

  114. Calie

    August 31, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Hi, love this article. My partner of 13 years has had me driven crazy for a long time. First of all similar to the comment by ‘stressed and pregnant’ I was pregnant with our daughter just over 12 years ago and he worked with a woman who he had a fling with before we met and it was really hard. I was only with my partner for 3 months when I fell pregnant and I know it was completely irresponsible and I was set to go it alone if he did not want to support me – but he was ecstatic he told his mum straight away and proposed (I wasn’t ready for marriage at that at the time) but then I knew he was serious and was in it for the long haul. We have been together more than 13 years, my pregnancy was worrying as I thought he was going to cheat with the woman he worked with and I felt he never seen the best of me early on in our relationship.

    Things went really well we sold my flat which I purchased on my own and I put the funds from that into our home, he put in zilch. We bought our home and sadly his brother passed away 10 years ago and then rather than him confiding in me I caught him texting another work colleague on a regular basis, when I confronted him about the regular messages he assured me there was nothing going on and she was just a shoulder to cry on. After that stint of lack of trust we continued as normal, to take my mind off things I was and still am constantly buying for the house – he never puts anything in materially I think in our 13 years he has only bought 2 or 3 objects, I have no idea where his money goes? Yes he pays into the bills and mortgage 50 / 50 but not for household goods, clothing and food as regularly as I do.

    I recall one morning about 6 years ago I woke up and went into our conservatory and found a Christmas bag with women’s underwear (not my size) and I lay back down in the bed and when he woke I confronted him about it he denied it and when I went downstairs the bag was gone from the spot – That one drove me crazy so I have put that down to my insecure imagination.

    About five years ago I caught him getting frisky over an internet porn site, but then at the time some of my friends at work were commenting about their partners and they do the same, so I thought ‘ok its normal’ I didn’t discuss this with my friends I just brushed it off when I caught him at that.

    Then most recently 2 years ago he has admittedly been texting a woman 16 years his junior as a friend at 7.30am in the morning on a regular basis, I know this as he was ticking every box on ‘is he cheating questionnaires?’ and he admitted she was a friend and there was nothing in it. When I asked them both for the content of the messages, both said it was just general chit chat but when I was shown a copy of the messages some texts were blanked out, I still don’t know to this day why these messages were censored? Also this lady lives on the dole and expect government handouts and has never worked. Yet I work and always have even when my babies were just 4 months old, I was the epitome of the Beyonce single ladies track before I met my partner purchasing the majority of things on my own and I still am even 13 years on I still get little support.

    All of this took us to marriage care counselling which we left 4 months ago, I arranged the counselling for ‘answers’ but I have gone out of the counselling feeling I am to blame and that my thoughts are crazy?!?

    I am trying to get on with it, its hard – I am not a wallflower or a push over, I wouldn’t say I was bad looking I won beauty contests as a kid and my ex husband was a model when I met him and we had a child together our son is 17 but my ex husband has never bothered with him because we were young and he wasn’t ready to be a dad also my son has learning difficulties and I don’t think he wanted to be associated with that, I met my partner when my son was 4 and was happy I found a man who was prepared to be with me and my son. I was prepared to go it alone when I fell pregnant with our daughter as I was raising a son on my own at the time and was pleased he stuck by me, but all the time we have been together for 13 years I think what would have happened if we didn’t have our daughter? would he have stayed? why does he not help out financially that much? why does he not repair things around the home and I have to do it myself or get trades people in? why is he keep texting other woman and is there something more? why does he not want to marry me now when he asked early on in our relationship numerous times? why do I feel to blame?

    I am going to try and put the above out of my head and take onboard this blog but it is hard.

  115. Ashley

    September 24, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    My father cheated on my mother all the time when I was growing up. I was determined to make sure that never happened to me and that I would be vigilante and never be blindsided by it either. Well I met the love of my life and we’ve been together 9 years and married for about 6 months now and although he’s never been unfaithful I still find myself jealous out of mind every time he makes a new single female friend. Recently it got so bad I thought we were actually going to file for divorce (which we did not take lightly). It scared me so much and it’s true although he constantly assures me that he loves only me and that these women are just his friend I always find myself getting depressed and arguing with him about it. I want to stop but it just comes out of me and I can’t control it. I can feel myself pushing him away from me and I know he’s starting to resent me now. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  116. Corina

    October 4, 2015 at 6:15 am

    Thank you for sharing this… Yes, I was recently cheated on and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. What’s worst is he was having an emotional affair. After taking a month break and I moved out, He wants me to forgive him; I do. Although he also wants me to trust him and I don’t. He want’s us to move forward together with our lives and get married. I want to, but I subconsciously push him away all the time. I don’t want to push him away…but the experience I had with being hurt was too painful. All I can say is… I am trying to heal…

  117. Mike

    October 5, 2015 at 11:46 am

    Makes an intriguing read.

    3 years ago I found myself in despair and complete shock.

    Let me first say I despise cheating as my Dad is a serial cheat so never wanted to be like him.

    I have never cheated and in fact it is something I was proud of. I was so proud of being faithful.

    My wife cheated on me with an older man 15 years older I was 28 at the time. Looking back now all the tell tale signs where there but I never wanted to admit it.

    I had to go through her Facebook to find the truth and it was something I had never done being so trusting. She says that she never slept with him but she finally admitted that they had had oral sex. How many times I do not know or do I want to.

    In the messages I read she skated me to him and told him things that she never told me like being raped by a previous partner.

    When I finally confronted her I flipped and shouted and screamed abuse at her and threw her out of our home with her things and I believe under pressure from her sister she had me arrested. The only ever time I have been in trouble with the police. I swear 100% I never hit her but I grabbed her and pulled her out of the house to embarrass her like she embarrassed me.

    I lost my job within the company because of what had happened how could I show my face there? I moved out of our home told her I wanted a divorce as she refused to let me see my son. I told myself there was no going back ever.

    The problem was I still loved her.

    In the end we decided to make a go of things.

    I moved out for a year and got a flat but she fell pregnant and since we have had two beautiful daughters.

    My problem is that I suffer from anxiety and I have lost all my confidence as a person. Listening to music makes things worse as the lyrics of songs I can relate to.

    I never sought any help when I was in my darkest place and considered suicide on two occasions but couldn’t do that to my son.

    Our relationship is in a good place but I feel as though I have forgiven her but I cannot get over the past and don’t know how I ever will.

    Will I ever let go of the anxiety? Do I need to speak to someone professionally?

    I could really do with someone’s help and guidance on this as I feel I cannot explain things to my wife without rocking the boat.

  118. karen

    October 5, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    I have been seeing someone for one year. I have had a horrible past. I have been cheated on and treated like crap in many other ways as well. I don’t just fear being left. I accuse him of cheating and talking to other women. I end the relationship because of any issue. Today, he told me he is done. I am so sad. I have read books, articles, and self help pamphlets that relate to jealousy, accusations, and creating conflict before it happens. I see a therapist regularly. Nothing helps. I am worthless. I apologize each time. I have told him about my past. I caught a person I was involved with for four years with another woman. I wanted to die. Seriously, I wanted to die. I feel so helpless and worthless. I don’t know what else to do to get help.

  119. Lauren

    October 9, 2015 at 7:53 am

    I feel like I’m going to destroy my relationship if I can’t let go of the fear that my partner is cheating on me or will cheat on me. Logically I know it’s ridiculous, he doesn’t have the time and I can account for his whereabouts 99.9% of the time.

    We had a little boy November last year and that naturally put a huge strain on our relationship. My partner and I were both recreational drug users and obviously agreed the quit when we started trying for a baby. I caught him using multiple times throughout my pregnancy, and again after our son was born. He doesn’t have a “problem”, he makes the conscious choice to ignore what we agreed because it would be more fun to do what he wants. He has also lied about money, taking out a small payday loan when he could have asked me to dip into my savings when we had a tough month.

    We had briefly discussed spicing up our sex life by bringing another woman into the bedroom, this was my idea as a bi-sexual female and he was naturally keen on the idea. We had to put the idea on hold as our son was still very young and it didn’t seem feasible, recently I discovered he had been continuing to look at the website we had been browsing to find a suitable third, he had been paying to look at pictures and had even looked at women other than the one we had decided on. One of these women was younger than me (I’m 27, 10 years younger than my partner), blonde (I’m brunette) and had huge fake boobs (mine have shrunk to nothingness after my milk supply dried up and I had to stop breastfeeding). This has been a huge blow to me emotionally, I have a very healthy attitude with porn and if he’d told me he was still looking I wouldn’t have had a problem with it. But for him to go behind my back, at a time when I’m feeling very self conscious and negative about my appearance, I can’t seem to get past it. Even when I rally for a time, the negative thoughts keep creeping back in.

    I really want to get past this, my partner and I have loved each other from afar for years, and now we’re finally together I want it to work. Our son is amazing and when things are good our life is excellent. He just can’t seem to stop hiding things from me, and I’m really struggling to get over this betrayal I feel from him looking at other women online, even if it was for the purpose of he and I meeting her and more.

    I just don’t know what to do.

  120. Maurice Montoya

    October 15, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    I have been cheated on. I don’t know his truth or his side of the story although he did say he kept fucking up. I learned to accept that it was likely his upbringing. This acceptance didn’t come without unattended wounds however. I’ve never cried so much. I often lost my appetite. This was due to my low self esteem and my negative self talk. I read this now because I am tired of letting these negative thoughts control me and become a threat to my new harmless relationship. I want to pursue strength so if I were to be betrayed again, that I could keep myself together. I don’t want to stay addicted to constant reassurance, I want more a more positive mindset for me and my partner. Thank you so much for this priceless information.

  121. Louisa

    October 22, 2015 at 11:28 am

    This article is so helpful.
    As I was reading it I smiled, and thought ‘this girl is right’
    I worry about the guy I am almost in a relationship with that he will go, and I don’t like him keeping on reassuring me because he will see it as unattractive and in the end may put him off.
    He used to be a player, so that’s why I worry because I’m quite innocent and slightly geeky but he is the total opposite of that.
    I don’t wear tons of make up or really really short skirts and I don’t have the most fantastic body in the world but he is used to being with girls covered in make up and fake tan etc and that’s just not me, I worry he will cheat with someone like that.
    I really like this guy, how can I make him think I am a goddess so he won’t look elsewhere?

    Thanks x

  122. priscy

    October 29, 2015 at 12:44 am

    This post is truly amazing. My boyfriend of 3 years is a wonderful person, the only relationship that I have really enjoyed and been able to be myself but he is a flirt. When I complain he doesn’t see it to be cheating because he claims he doesn’t sleep with any of them. Well our lives revolves around each other and we are extremely close but his whatsapp and Facebook chats with other girls kills me. We both know each other’s password so I sneak to read some of the chats but now he deletes them and the pictures, He hardly goes through my phone though. We are planning to get married early 2016 and now I don’t know if I should go ahead marrying him or not. We are both 28 years old.

  123. Alyssa

    October 29, 2015 at 7:00 am

    I have had trust issues my whole life but I have never been cheated on. (I do however have a past to justify that) I probably have no place or any stand to talk about this subject because of that but I just need to say something about it. I may not have been cheated but I fear that it will happen, almost inevitably. It has nothing to do with my bf, in fact I feel like I’m hurting him whenever I bring up my fear even though he reassures me that I’m not. My deep choking fear that I will be replaced by someone better, whether prettier or skinnier. I have become addicted to reading articles like this trying to stop myself before I lose my mind. I actually feel pretty calm after reading this article. So thank you, I may seem crazy and unjustified for writing this but… still

  124. chris

    November 1, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Went through same nd love the post so much…. i must say its being though dealing with it nd with this post i wil knw what to Do….tnx yh

  125. jj

    November 3, 2015 at 11:39 pm

    Great article. Ive been cheated on before and treated badly, ive been with my current partner for 10 years now and recently she has lost alot of weight and is looking really good. recently i have noticed she gets alot more guys looking at her which is ok but i have also noticed her looking at other guys alot more also, even guys in our local village and sometimes exchanged glances with the same guys more than once,i have tried to talk th her about it but she denies it everytime. we have a child together and my child from a previous relationship lives with us as well so i am very concerned about it all- any replies would be great

  126. Lala

    November 4, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Well I’ve been cheated on, and the first time it was with two girls and it wasn’t that serious so I let it slide. Then when he cheated again and I confronted him the first time he refused that he is cheating then I found out all on my own he was cheating on me with 4 girls and the worst part is that none of them were dating him longer than 5 months… and we’ve been for 3 years . I got angry and called up all these girls to confirm and they all agreed then he got angry with me and seriously used my name as a way of fixing things with the other girls then even called me a psycho, and totally ignored me and made me look like a fool so I was forced to let him go and then he came back 5 months later and he started chatting to me, I thought I was over it but really all I wanted was revenge now I can’t even revenge on him because I don’t know how to hold a grudge but dating him now makes me paranoid now what I wanna know is will letting him go and totally cutting him out of my life make it easier for me to stop feeling this way as it’s making me feel like I wasn’t good enough and that I was the last option and why is he still communicating with the girls he cheated on me with, it’s devastating but I seriously need to get rid of these feelings and maybe letting him is what I’ll need cause really I feel stupid for forgiving him and worse for loving him. If anyone doesn’t mind please tell me what I should do, I cannot go on feeling this paranoid when I know I can find a better person…

  127. Dolores

    November 12, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    This article makes me feel like I can be stronger tomorrow from reading this tonight! Thank You for reminding me the truths that I know but really need to hear and be reminded of. And I appreciate that there is so many people that have shared their stories as well. I must say that after reading all of these stories it actually makes me so depressed and now I’m feeling fear again. The trigger is so easily pulled for me and it sounds like many other people. My first marriage ended because my ex had been cheating on my for at least a year before I found out and our kids were only 1 and 3 when we officially separated. I loved the process of rebuilding myself after out divorce but, I never really healed through everything before I met my current partner. Man I wish I gave myself more time! It is so complicated to succeed on a day to day basis mentally. I am over burdened with fear these days and feel like a completely different person now than the woman my fiancé met 3 years ago. I remember how condident and full of love for myself I was when we met. But lately I’ve been back in a whole. I’m pregnant with our second baby, my 4th….and because of our situation I’m home taking care of the household and the kids and my finances depend on my fiancé and my ex husbands child support. I am just completely vulnerable. The other night I was so emotional I took a walk. I ended up at a karaoke place by my house and sang my heart out. It’s amazing what a world of difference this one night made for me. My fiancé came to pick me up after he put his kids to bed and he got jealous of someone saying goodnight to me. It was an older totally unattractive guy that really liked my singing but this time he was the jealous one. Anyway, my point is I totally suffer daily from PTSD. I wish I had a counselor right now for all that I go through being in a mixed family, dealing with both of our exes( he has two kids from his past marriage too), being completely vulnerable, my fiancé is extremely smart and talented and adorable and definitely noticed by woman, I know there are many woman that try and get in his life that are well aware of me….The list goes on of reasons to feel overwhelmed mentally. But I realize that when I actually start to give more time to myself rather than the thoughts and the feelings I totally win! I’ve been writing more music, getting into redoing old furniture(an old hobby), getting creative with my kids, focusing on the happy parts and blessings of my life. I can feel that every time I choose to do something positive rather than sink into my miserable whole of fear and depression of my past, I feel stronger and more powerful. I still am wanting to dig through my fiancées emails and get on his phone and this is why I’m trying to read about how to want to turn those feelings off. This article helps, the stories sadly turn it back on. I can only pray that our world gets better. I pray that people start to respect themselves enough to respect the people around them especially the ones that are trying to love them. I pray for woman that they protect themselves from predatory men. And for men that they don’t get ruined by completely immoral woman. I have seen so much and have heard of it all! People need to start learning how to gratify themselves so the need to be reassured by anyone male or female becomes less necessary. If feels good to be praised and recognized. It also feels good to be an awesome person and know it and be your own number one fan! Good luck to the broken hearted out there. I’ve been in that place of wanting to absolutely die. I think there is some pain that we as humans are just not meant to bare. For that reason I add be kind to yourself, love yourself, be brave to make necessary changes, allow yourself to follow your heart, and pray for me too that I can live in love and happiness without fear one day.
    Love
    Dolores

  128. Jessica

    November 22, 2015 at 11:27 am

    Wow! Thank you for writing this. You hit every single thought I’ve had. And I know this sounds a bit extreme, but you might have saved my marriage. Thank you

  129. Dan

    November 27, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    Love this post, made me realise a lot of things. 100% accurate.
    I dropped everything for this one women and moved away from my friends and family to be with her, I paid for a flat for us and brought all food etc literally paid for everything out of all the money I saved. (Bad mistake) I had never been cheated on at this point so I wasn’t sure on the certain signs to look for. But started noticing that she was going out more during the evenings for a long length of time. Coming back and going to bed without a word. Came to a birthday party that we had in our flat and I couldn’t I be her at all and heard heavy breathing in the bathroom which I knew was her then heard talking from another man and got really angry and pinched the door of the room they were in, she was shocked beyond belief and kept saying sorry. But the day after she acted as if nothing had happened. But because I was so blind in love I let it go. I started going back to college to become a sports coach which didn’t end well for me. I was constantly in fear that she was sleeping with the same person while I was away, in the end I was right because I went home one lunch time and found them running out of the bedroom. Least to say I wasn’t happy but she still denied it all that apparently nothing happened. The bloke admitted everything to me in front of her because he couldn’t handle constantly telling a lie, but yet she still denied it. I end up telling her to leave my flat that I paid for, and throw her clothes etc out of the window in black sacks which was slightly rewarding. A few months passed after being really down and blaming myself for the things that happened when I found out she had in fact slept with another 5-6 men while we were in a relationship.

    Since then I haven’t spoken to her been with another women who done exactly the same which is where I really started to doubt myself, but every story has a silver lining

    I had met this women just after the first cheating so & so who had become a really close friend, well that friend is now my fiancée but even now after 8-9 years in still in constant fear of her cheating on me but it happens in stages, one minute I’m really paranoid the next I 100% trust her and know full well she won’t do anything like that. To say the least if she was going to cheat on me she wouldn’t of said yes to marrying me and she wouldn’t still be with me because she that sort of person who can’t hide anything. But after reading this I know what I have to do to stop the fear from happening

  130. Jane

    December 1, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Hi I’ve been with my partner for 18yrshe cheated on me in 03 which he admitted , and my gut feeling was right. Recently he suffered in big stroke which took his right side and speech, while visiting him in hospital his daughter and this women turned up and the things she knew about him was unbelievable she knew everything just like a wife would know about her husband. After they went I said whose Julie then he pretended not to know I left it thinking he’s ill etc. He came home 2 months later , and after a few weeks I mentioned her again as his daughter came and he asked about this Julie. In a joking manner I sed whose she an old flame he got his hair off and I constantly knew there was more. I looked everywhere and eventually found a load of stuff cards birthday valentine’s and Xmas cards like I would buy I also found letters and everything was so intermate he wrote things that he never said to me, and teddy with I love you on,and more. He denied everything bit by bit I had to drag it out of him it turned out he started this thing in 05 and its now 15 , he kept nipping down to her spending £ 100’s each time and I was always at work . (I moved into his place when he came out of hospital) we had a big ish argument I stormed out with the dog came back I said give me one good reason why I shud stay, he asked me to marry him . I lent back and said why ? I asked him to marry me only a couple weeks before and he laughed like I told a joke . I know deep down he’s done it so he’s got someone there 24/7 that’s what I think anyway. He wrote her a letter saying he loved me wanted to be with me, he’d made a mistake having this relationship , no more contact cards presents (the last one went in the bin along with everything else I’ve found from her) his words!! We are getting married and he really happy telling everyone he sees even chose the date. So my question is why is this woman still haunting me, my friends say I won and got my man ,but I don’t feel like I have as if he’d not had this stroke he’d still be carrying on with her although not slept with her at a guess for about 10 yrs . I also found out she’s met his hole family even his ex , 2yrs ago he gave her his mums number saying shed love to hear/ chat to you. I know he was head over heals with her and wanted commitment she is a lot younger than him and I think he was her sugar daddy and didn’t really want him just money she thort he had . I hope this makes sense I also think he’s had his karma this is what I keep telling myself lol

  131. Nikol

    December 3, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Thank you for this! I needed to read EXACTLY what I read. This helped my heart because I have been so anxious about being cheated on after my boyfriend started dating me while still texting and talking to his ex. It has been so hard for me to let it go but I am trying. This article will be saved so I can refer back to it if I get anxious!

  132. Chris

    December 9, 2015 at 6:45 am

    I have been with my g/f for over 7 years now. We are both divorced with children. We met online and started dating. Coming off of a divorce, I knew it was best to get out and meet people. I thought that it would be wise to not get into a serious relationship right away because I was not ready for that nor did I want to fall into a situation where the excitement of dating wears off and you are left in a relationship you never wanted to be in. That being said, I met my g/f and we dated for about 2-3 years before we moved into together. While dating, I knew she would go out with other guys and she knew I would go on an occasional date as well. Often when we went out, I would see her texting to other guys but it did not bother me because we never laid down any “exclusive” headings to our relationship.

    When we decided to move in with each other we were at a point where we were always together anyway and it seemed right. I felt like a real commitment was in order and I stopped connecting to anyone whom I had dated. I was under the impression she did as well. A few years into our “committed” relationship, I find her txting with some Joe from her dating past. I tell her I am not comfortable with it even though she played it off as “just wishing him a happy birthday” and quickly catching up with him. She hears me out on why I don’t care for this type of communication and she agrees to end such activity.

    The other day, I saw she was back in contact with this particular guy and it really did a job on me. I asked her what it was all about and again, she gave me the “Happy Birthday” thing. I told her again how I felt and that I thought it was a bit disrespectful. She fluffed it off and now I am sitting here wondering why she treats this so nonchalantly. It is obvious that this guy means something to her because any other guy she may have dated has never gotten a happy birthday out of her since we have moved in….why this guy ??

    I look at our relationship now and wonder how strong is it ?? Are we at a crossroads with mediocrity that she is feeling a bit dull and wants some spice added to her life ? If it is so innocent, why has she not proven how innocent it is. It’s not like she whipped out the txt conversation to show me it was simply a “Happy Birthday” wish and nothing more. I am not going to ask to see it either but if the shoe was on the other foot and it was as innocent as she says it is…..I would be doing all I could to calm my partners anxiety and re-assure her that we are good. She has made no such efforts to do so with me.

  133. Angel

    December 20, 2015 at 8:06 am

    What if your wife already cheated?we are trying to repair our marriage…she likes to go out of fridays with her girlfriend who is also my friend to play bingo and stays to drink after…. i cant take it the fear and wanting to know what she’s doing every hour…my heart pounds through my chest from the anxiety….

  134. aaron

    December 21, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    I read your article and it helps while I read it but as soon as I finish it all comes back. I am terrofied my girlfriend will leave me or cheat and it’s causing me serious depression. It’s making me lose everything that is good about myself because I can’t think of anything but her leaving. I depend on her constant reassurance to get through the day and I fear everyone she speaks to or messages and when I work away I’m scared she’ll have someone over. It is getting worse not better last night I checked her phone and found nothing but a message from a guy she’s known a while saying thet we should meet up and It shouldn’t be a problem and I shouldn’t invade her privacy. She fell in love with my calm relaxed attitude and open mind and I’m losing it. I just want to be myself again and not feel like she is the only good in my life and if I lose her it’s over. Please help me I feel so lost.

  135. Jonathan

    December 28, 2015 at 7:33 am

    This article came at the exact time. I spent last night wide awake diving deeper and deeper into creating a situation that does not exist at all. I’ve created this whole world around my girlfriend of three years cheating on me while she’s abroad visiting her father. It was hard to realize that I have this tendency to obsess with the worst case scenario. I think I’ve been doing it because I’m listening to my thoughts that are rooted in fear.

    I like how this article just reminded me that I’m going to be fine no matter what happens, if she decides to cheat, that’s her decision and I can’t control that. At the end of the day, in the this very moment, I am happy with myself and proud of my girlfriend for taking a trip by herself.

  136. pete

    January 2, 2016 at 2:21 am

    Well my issue started almost 14 years ago. I was married to my ex-wife for a total of 23 years before I divorced her. She cheated on me in 2001 and it lasted a year and a half.(the affair) After the affair was discovered, we stayed together and worked on issues to make our marriage better. I took most of the blame for the cheating because I felt that some of my actions caused her to have the affair. Like falling into a rut, takin her for granted..etc… I have been told that is the wrong thing to do. Anyways, moving forward, I divorced my ex back in 2014 and have since gotten remarried to a woman that I have known all my life and she has given me no reason to not trust her and I am having serious issues trusting her. She works from home on the computer and is currently working on schooling to further her career and I bought her a laptop so she could do most of her stuff upstairs in our room while I am home. When she goes downstairs to work on the other computer, my mind goes crazy and I end up hurting her feelings because I have a hard time keeping stuff inside. I don’t yell, or accuse, I just ask her. And she is tired of me not trusting her. Knowing that my ex is the cause of my distrust, I am always on the lookout and don’t want to ruin my new marriage because of my ex. Example, we stayed in bed watching tv bringing in the new year and she was working on the computer on school and I fell asleep, well I woke up at 6 am with her putting the laptop up and heading downstairs to work on school work on the desktop downstairs because she said she was uncomfortable and was having a hard time retaining the information she was reading and studying. Instantly my mind started thinking and obsessing of the worst, like she got a message from someone and wanted to go downstairs to be more private away from me, etc..etc…. and I’m almost 99.999 percent positive she is not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. How do I get rid of this destroying mindset that my ex wife is pretty much the cause of.

  137. Martin

    January 6, 2016 at 6:20 am

    Hi, here’s a little something I learned in a few relationships lately where I was cheated on, which might be insightful. First, I think cheating is a word that carries a lot of different meanings. For some people cheating can mean something completely different i.e. kissing, oral sex, having sexual intercourse with someone else, spending an evening with someone else and lying about it, simply being somewhere else with someone and lie about it…etc. People who cheat all have something in common: They allow putting themselves in a situation where something can happen. A lot of people I know who cheated on their boyfriend or girlfriend all had that in common. Why? Because the relationship with the other person is not clear and defined. They leave it open for interpretation as it’s the only way they choose to live. If they define the relationship as friendship, it will be boring. Is it a special kind of person who cheat? Well, again, there are many different ways to see cheating. If a person cheats over and over on his or her partner since the beginning of the relationship well then yes, this is clearly a particular kind of people with some behavioral patterns like borderline personality disorder. (Human beings who usually went through a pretty unique, gruesome and problematic childhood). If the person commits adultery in a 10 year relationship because the partner is not listening to the other partner’s need, or any other reasons, well it could be defined as different and could be addressed without the relationship being terminated. Sometimes it can be seen as a slight bump to get two people closer after discussing it. Though there are more efficient ways to deal with it before cheating takes place.
    Those with behavioral patterns like BPD have a lot of difficulty to express empathy toward other people especially those who care about them, yet they would like to, but are incapable. So it is easy for them to cheat as they don’t have any remorse. This being said, this is not to expose the type of people who cheat on their partners, but more to identify them, as everyone show signs of behaviors right from the start. I could be cheating on my partner eventually for a reason I presently ignore even though I’ve never done it. Life is a mystery 
    My experience is that I met someone who claimed to be an artist, a singer to be precise. This person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has an advanced case of BPD with depression and anxiety disorder. Really fast, I noticed that she had lied about still being a singer and that she was attached to the failures from a career she wanted to start 10 years ago. She was a children TV show animator when she was younger and wanted to get into singing. Unfortunately it only lasted about a year and had a pretty good success with a song that made it on the top charts in the province. Drug dealing, prostitution participation and some other things led to her ending of this endeavour. And the fact that she wasn’t that much of a singer. Good strong voice but nothing to go crazy about. Otherwise she would’ve made it as she knows some people who could help her. After that episode she managed to get on welfare, had a kid with a very good person, abandoned her son on two occasions and had multiple relationships which all failed one after the other. Drugs, alcohol and deviant sexual behavior – 4-5 different partners every week – which I learned about later in the relationship, was part of her life. At the very beginning there were big signs of her patterns and there were big LED panels in front of me saying ‘’RUN AWAY’’. I did not pay attention to it because I probably had something to live.
    A week into the relationship she told me that she had taken nude pictures of her male friend 3 days after I met her, with whom she spent a weekend at a cabin. At first, she had told me that she was going to a cabin, alone, to relax and later admitted that she was with her friend.
    She had also told me about an older man she had, with whom she was in a friendly relationship since she was 14 or 15 years old. I found that quite peculiar as we had discussed her sexual behavior when she was younger. She used to have sex with any man who came along since she was 11 years old– her words. She implored me to believe her (because I showed resistance in believing her) that nothing intimate had happen with this man – he was in his high 30’s when she was 14 – Much later in the relationship, about 1 year later, she admitted to me that she had been intimate with this man. In order to keep him close to her and to continue having sex, she had presented him to her mother and then became her ‘’father in law’’… By the way she is still seeing this man on a regular basis. One night, when I wasn’t living with her yet, yes I even moved in at a point…, she took cocaine with one of her many drug dealers. I was like, really? And did not make that much of it. But one day, she admitted – 6 months after – that he had slept over at her place and claimed that nothing had happened. After being lied to about that it was really tough to believe her, I actually never did. Then again, I was 100% aware of how she was living her life and did not leave definitely based on the fear of being alone and the losing the easy access to sex. In total I left 7 times and she always called me back knowing I would fall for her as she was always getting me back because of my weakness for sex. Of course it was easy to get it as it was the only feature of the relationship. It was like I knew that I was in it only for sex and whatever else I was taking in this relationship and knew that I would never be recognized as an official partner. Hence being her lover was the only feasible avenue for me. Overall, I knew what I was dealing with and still stayed for the wrong reasons. I was getting comfortable and my intelligence was hijacked by my hormones…

    Basically, sometimes we complain about our partner cheating but really it is us who is cheating on ourselves because we do not listen to our inner voice that screams ‘’RUN AWAY’’. We always have a choice and this inner voice is our GPS, our guidance system which we sometime unplug. This is where, in my experience, things get dicey and I start to suffer. But, if I had not been in this relationship I would still be attracted to these kind of girls – as they are really easy on sex, that was my pattern – and probably would be at the same spot I was was 3 years ago. So before we complain, let’s take a look inside and see why it has happened. Did we let ourselves go through this or is it really the fault of the other person?

  138. Kirsten Fisk

    January 7, 2016 at 2:23 am

    This is a great article and has only helped me reinforce the fact that I am being irrational. After years of being cheated on I’ve finally found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I’m doing my hardest to ruin this through THE FEAR which is a completley irrational state of mind!

    It’s good to know that I’m not on my own!!! And think the steps/affirmations will definitely help.

  139. Jennifer

    January 7, 2016 at 11:27 am

    Thank you SO MUCH for this article! This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I will find myself coming back to this article alot to read it when I am feeling insecure and anxious. I wish I had found this sooner in my relationship. THANK YOU again!!

  140. Alexia

    January 8, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Still being the young immature teenager that I am, I haven’t had the most experienced. I have a fantastic boyfriend I’ve met but he’s now off to college and I honestly worry, what if he finds another girl? What if I’m merely”a petty face” and wouldn’t appeal to him much longer. Well, I’m a pretty anxious person and have my own problems when it comes to depressions but honestly, after reading this I feel so much better! I am not sure if this changed my feelings foro I’d or only a bit of time but it really did help. Thank you so much! This has taken a large weight off my chest.

  141. Emily

    January 9, 2016 at 10:22 am

    I am in constant terror of my husband cheating on me we have only been married a year and honestly were not together long when we decided to get married, the way he used to treat me was wonderful, I would get random texts during the day saying how much he loved need and how beautiful I was, but when we got married his mother died and he completely turned into a different person. His dad actually told me(which was inappropriate) that if I didn’t keep it interesting in the bed room he would get bored and find someone else which has stuck with me. He is the only one who works I stay at home watching our little girl(which is my step daughter) and our 4 month old son. He goes to a store everyday that his mother used to work at and we live in a small community and there is a man(not a very reliable source) that works there and he actually spit in my husbands food because he said my husband was sleeping with the girl that works there, well I dismisse that because my husband actually told me he said this But it was like it planted a seed in my mind, not only that but I had previously had a dream he was sleeping with her(silly I know but it bothers me.) so a few days later as he was sleeping I got his phone and he had deleted a message from her on his Facebook, I told him I had gone through his phone and asked why she messaged him and he said because she was telling him what the man from the store had said and then he told me he deleted it because he knew I would get mad. I told him he shouldn’t hide things like that from me and he apologized. Not only that but a few months ago he had saved his ex’s number in his phone as apple and when I asked him why he said she messaged him about a loan that was previously I both of their names and he didn’t want me to get mad about it, well recently I got his phone and he had saved her number as another name again he told me the same story. Also he is ALWAYS watching oorn, which I would rather him do that than cheat, but I don’t like it. And (I know this is a lot of info and may seem pointless to people but I need to vent) I got his pho,e again and he had looked up ‘free dating site’s but when I said something to him about it he swore up and down he didn’t search that, but the yahoo search bar doesn’t just search that on it’s own. I am so sick of being scared he is cheating on me, it literally is breaking my heart and I have become severely depressed, I don’t know what I should do, I just feel like I’m constantly being lied to. We have a home and children together. I just don’t know how to handle it any more and anytime I bring it up to him he gets mad and won’t discuss anything with me, I just have a gut feeling he is cheating, somehow or another, and it’s killing me.

  142. Bridgett

    January 11, 2016 at 4:18 pm

    This is the most helpful article I have ever read.
    I have been with my man for 2 years now. He is 25, I am 22. When we began dating, I was in college and he had already graduated and begun his career. I was captured by everything about him; his attitude, his attractiveness, his mystery. When we became a serious relationship, I remember mutual acquaintances coming up to me and asking, “Why are you with him? He’s an a**hole, and you’re so nice.” I was confused by these remarks, because the guy I knew was genuine, kind, and as near to perfect as you can get.
    We have never had the discussion about our pasts, which is apparently odd for a serious couple. I couldn’t complain, though, because I was so in lust that I wasn’t prepared to hear about this perfect man’s wrongdoings in the past, nor did I want him to know about mine. Not that we lied about our pasts, we simply didn’t discuss it. It wasn’t as important as our future.
    However, after a year of being with him, I became curious. Curiosity truly does kill the cat, or in this case, the trust. I learned that my perfect man cheated on two of his past girlfriends when he was in college. I learned that one of the girls who cheated with him is now his coworker, and they are extremely good close. Although she is hooking up with one of their other coworkers, she and my guy have exchanged very flirtacious messages about getting drinks together. When they went on a company trip together for the weekend (along with other coworkers), I was an emotional mess. I couldn’t stop worrying about what he was thinking, what he was doing, etc.
    Since I found out about his past through means of my own, and not through him, I cannot discuss with him how insecure I am with the situation. I’ve become obsessed with this made-up scenario in my mind of him cheating on me that I’m not sure if I’m being crazy, or if it’s an actual gut feeling.
    He has done nothing that I know of to lose my trust. Everyone flirts, and flirting can be harmless unless it is a gateway to infidelity. He and I are moving in together in 4 months, so I am at a crossroad where I want to decide if I should stick it out. I know he loves me, but I can’t get rid of this fear of mine that he will leave me heartbroken. I have to learn to love myself without him, but I am worried that this will cause distance in our emotional relationship, which could trigger his old behaviors. I am at a loss of what to do.
    Long story, but thank you for this article. When I get insecure, I will re-read this.

  143. Stephen

    January 13, 2016 at 7:36 am

    This has helped me so so much, more than you will ever know. Reading this was like looking into my own life over the past month or so. I have a long way to go but I know this will help.

  144. Kate

    January 13, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Currently going through this, found out in November and feel like my emotions are still up in the air.
    Feeling low, feeling needy and constantly want assurance.
    He is saying all the right things but I am always questioning in my head ‘is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?’
    ‘Is he still in contact with her?’
    ‘Is he still flirting sexually with her?’
    ‘Will he do it again?’

    It’s like a constant brain fart and it is taking over my life.
    Confidence is low, have no faith in myself that I can make him happy.

  145. Jeanine

    January 15, 2016 at 2:01 am

    You may have addressed this in an earlier comment. But at this moment I do not have the patience. My common-law partner of over 8 yrs has chosen to continue to sext his ex-girlfriend. The first time I found out was 3 yrs ago and was really hurt. A little relationship history, he stopped wanting to have to sex with me after he threw his back out 5 yrs ago. And since he has rejected all but one time which was 4 months ago. I work in the health field and understand why he would not want to be intimate with me. I’m an incredibly patient and understanding individual that usually does not allow emotions to take the best of me. I also see that our relationship is completely unhealthy and to find out (by breaking his trust and going through his phone) but I feel that because he refuses to have any type of intimacy with me i can do what I want and check his phone. Ugh! Basically, I would rather leave the relationship. I can see several a shared attributes and life goals we share and finding another who shares those with me it going to be incredibly difficult.

  146. benjamin

    January 16, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    i found this article after having an arguement with the love of my life i have been cheated on in two diffrent relationships for 8 years of my life i am 28 it was very heart breaking and damaging and ruined any trust i have in my new relationship and i am ruining it with my severe trust issues i ask my girlfriend everyday if she cheated on me after i get home from work i am sickened by myself and destroying my relationship and i am so happy to be with her shes the most loving caring beautiful women i have ever met in my life and i know she loves me so much but she is fed up with my trust issues i am making her depressed and to the point where she expects it everyday before i get home and enrages herself to right before i say anything she is getting upset i dont want my relationship to fail we are so good and happy together when i am not fucking up the way how these issues cam about was my first relationship was over 5 years and i had a son with her completely trusted her and trust issues didnt exist for me i was very confident in my being but i started to get those feelings deep in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong after we decided to rent her parents basement to save money to get married in the following year there was suttle hints and actions i witnessed that put my alarm off but i shrugged them off as nothing and it came one day not long after i began to have these feelings that i decided to put up a recording device to give myself reassurance that i was just being crazy but thats not what i found it was that my fiance and mother of my child was having sex with her biological father i was destroyed and still am many years later i distanced myself and waited until i was alone with her to present the evidence i had she of coarse denied it freaked out broke many of my things and scared my son to death but after her moment of being caught she told me everything and that it had been happening long before i met her or had a relationship with her i was in shock and my internal well being has been unhealthy since then i didn’t know anything like that could happen but it did and i dont know if there is any help out there for me and my problems i have now with the relationship with my love and she knows what happened to me i told her in the beginning but she is still very frustrated with me in my second relationship i was with a women much older than me i she was very nice and caring to me and her family accepted me and looked up to me i worked very hard to help her take care of her children and i thought everything was ok i worked six days a week most of the time and cared for them all very much i fought my trust issues from the disturbing thing that happened to me a year before and everything seemed ok for the most part but it was when i started paying closer attention to my surroundings i noticed she enjoyed hanging out with her oldest son and his friends while i was working didnt seem like a big deal at the time her son was 8 years younger than me she had him very young and we got along very well but as a bit of time past i started to get that deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was not right i thought it was just my trust issues coming back to haunt me so i decided again that i am going to place a recording device again once to kill these feelings that were haunting me i didnt believe i could be cheated on again but what i found was that she was sleeping with one of her sons friends and said many horrible things about me like they had a bashing of me before the cheating took place i was very hurt by this and it amplified my fucked up emotions from my relationship before so i showed her the evidence i had yet again she denied it like my other ex did but i dug deeper and asked her sons friends about what they knew they didn’t say anything but i could tell they knew so after my persuasion if you know what i mean they told me everything that she has cheated on me many times with multiple different guys all in the same bed we shared and it happened every time when i was at work i dont understand how this happened to me maybe bad luck or being to naive i dont know but i am very emotionally damaged and my trust issues are so bad i cant hold them in anymore i am ruining my new relationship in subconsciously believing she is cheating on my as well maybe i am just scared to be hurt again she is so beautiful and i love everything about her be she doesnt want to put up with my issues anymore i dont blame her but i love her so much and i dont want to loose her ive tried to stop questioning her but it is like i am stuck in a reciprocating door of having bad thoughts subconsciously of her cheating on me and i have no control over my actions that follow after i need help but i dont know where to begin your article touched on the issues that happen in my new relationship from my trust issues and i am very confident in the man i am and my worth and capabilities but how do i solve the problems that i have from people who were master manipulators causing me so much damage

  147. Felipe

    January 17, 2016 at 12:30 pm

    I frequently feel that my partner might be cheating on me. Even though I’ve never discovered any of my partners to be unfaithful, I feel it might happen and it might indeed. I did not share this thoughts to them, I only kept them to myself, but I want to change my thoughts and focus on what I want to happen and on what I want my relationship to be.
    Thank you for this advice it has helped me a lot. Regards from Colombia.

  148. Jessica

    January 25, 2016 at 12:45 am

    I was so desperately looking for answers on how to get through, get passed and over my spouses indiscretions. This article described me in every way. It has given me hope that I can overcome this. Thank you.

  149. Juli

    January 28, 2016 at 6:00 am

    I obsess every single day about my fiance being with someone else or thinking im not good enough, and telling myself all these crazy thoughts about him and cheating me or thinking horrible things about me..i obsess so much to where it makes me sick to my stomach..the funny thing is, he is so great to me..but yet i continue to do this ever day and accuse him constantly, or ignore him or tell him to leave..he has stuck by my side over a year and is trying to do anything he can to get me the help i need..im starting to drive myself crazy and im getting scared he is soon going to say that he has had enough..i do not know what to do anymore..sometimes i think just giving up and leaving would be best for everyone cuz he really doesn’t deserve this..and this article was amazing but easier said than done for me..#feelingcrazy

  150. Valentino

    February 6, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    Thank you so much this really helped

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