Why Worrying About Your Partner Cheating Is Pointless

cheating spouseAsk any couple what the deal breaker is in their relationship, and a vast majority will tell you that a cheating spouse is right at the top of the list.

It’s easy to conceive why a cheating spouse can spell out the bitter end of what might otherwise have been a forever thing. It’s not just the physical betrayal, but also the loss of trust and the emotional infidelity, particularly for women.

A partner being unfaithful can also trigger intense levels of depression, low self esteem, low self worth and feelings of abandonment for the person who was cheated on. No one wants to feel as though their partner simply found someone better than they are, that they weren’t good enough to love forever.

All of this adds up to make complete sense of the fear that many people feel towards the possibility of infidelity in their relationship.

But when it comes down to it, the fear of being cheated on is a personal insecurity that only you can change.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been cheated on before, I know it’s hard to trust again. Believe me, I’ve been there. But there comes a point when you have to stop punishing yourself and say ‘What they did was about them, not about me’.

They chose to cheat because of the kind of person they are, because of the circumstances they allowed themselves to become involved in, not because you weren’t good enough.

Yet, it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been betrayed and your relationship has been fractured, and you express the fear that remains with the following kinds of actions or behaviour:

  • Insecurity about personal looks and attributes
  • Checking in on where the other person is going, or has been
  • Snooping on phones, emails or internet accounts
  • Outbursts or silent treatment if the other person talks to anyone perceived as a threat
  • A general lack of trust about the things the other person says or does
  • Arguments that arise out of the insecurity, rather than a genuine issue
  • Constantly telling the other person that you know they will leave you for someone else
  • Not wanting to go out, or socialize for fear of someone attracting your partner
  • Seeking constant reassurance
  • Searching through your partners personal items or vehicle for evidence
  • Believing even friends and family are likely affair prospects

All of these responses are understandable, but they are also complete energy and time wasters.

Obsessing about your partner cheating won’t stop it from happening.

No matter how much time you spend controlling and trying to prevent your partner straying, if the person you are in love with, is the kind of person to be disloyal, then all of the energy you put into worrying about whether they will cheat won’t stop it from happening.

You can’t control what another person does. You can only control how you think, feel and behave.

Let Go Of The Fear

It really is your choice to let go of the fear, and actively decide that you will no longer waste your energy trying to prevent, predict or control the actions of your partner, so you can feel more positive and calm in your relationship.

The first thing to do is to stop seeking constant reassurance.

Receiving reassurance can become an addiction. It feels good to have someone tell us how much they love us and would never hurt us, and it’s possible to get caught up in a cycle of creating conflict, just so you can get that hit of reassurance you’ve become hooked on.

But just like a drug, the power of that hit wears off pretty quickly when you keep taking it and soon, it’s never enough. It’s also exhausting for a partner to keep trying to convince you of their love and many will just stop if they feel like you don’t hear them anyway.

Step into your own power and nurture the belief that you are valuable, loveable and important to your partner. Provide your own reassurance when you start to feel doubtful with affirmations like ‘I am all that I need to be’, or ‘I am loved, valued and important’. Choose whatever feels good to say to your self and use it in times of fear.

Being confident and self assured is much more appealing and a kind of sexy that’s hard to stray from rather than being needy and lacking self value.

The next step is to stop worrying about those that you perceive as being more enticing to your partner than you are.

There will always be someone out there that could be considered more attractive, more interesting, funnier, richer, or smarter. It’s not about trying to measure up so that your partner will want only you, it’s about believing that you are loveable and trusting that your partner picked you for exactly who and what you are. Because they find you funny and interesting and gorgeous.

Stop missing out on enjoying time with your partner, by worrying about something that hasn’t happened, with people that aren’t part of your relationship.

Finally, stop focusing on that which you DON’T want to happen, and spend more time creating what you DO want

The universe doesn’t understand that what you are thinking about all the time is something undesirable. It takes any thought you create as a request and conspires to manifest those requests.

So, if you constantly focus on the negative thoughts around your relationship, chances are you will keep inadvertently creating negative situations between you and your partner.

Changing your thoughts, and letting go of the fear, makes rooms for more thoughts about what you really want to create in your relationship. It’s a much better way to use your energy and if you focus on how to give more love, how to strengthen your bond and create more intimacy, you’ll find you easily manifest the good loving you really desire.

Not Being Entirely Naive

All of this is not to say that you should be ignorant of any intuition or signs of infidelity.

If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns.

Having an honest, adult, and somewhat vulnerable conversation with your partner about what you’re worried about can be the difference between realizing you had the wrong end of stick and getting on with loving each other, or letting your mind run away with the worst case scenario and having that fear ruin your relationship.

Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love.

I’d love for you to share your insights or comments below. Have you been cheated on before? How did you handle it? And do you still carry that fear with you? What will YOU do to let it go today?

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  1. Love this article and focusing on what you DO want instead of the opposite xxx

    • rachaellay

      As my gran used to say, “Don’t borrow trouble”. Our energy is much better placed in the positive, as you know lovely. Thanks for dropping by : ) xoxo

    • anna

      I totally agree with you that this is a great article. I read it at a point when I was sure that I’m spiraling into doubts about my partner. This article really helped put things in perspective. I’m going to bookmark it for when distress strikes!

  2. Adrienne

    This article is so important to me & hit so many significant points I’m just glad I read it because I totally feel like my unconscious mind could’ve written this if I wasn’t too busy being obsessed with rather my husband will cheat or not (military wife). Thank u so much for the advice Rachael Ray, I must do better!

  3. Mae

    This is wonderful and exactly what I needed to read and think on. Thank you for outlining it so perfectly!

  4. Jeanette

    I understand what you are trying to get at. My husband of 33 years had a secret infatuation with a college girl and emailed her daily and even in front of me at a party made plans to meet her for coffee. All because they were on a church committee together. She was interested in studying something he was interested in and he is 40 years older. Evidently she was impressed by how well he wrote and discussed things in the committee and he loved compliments. But he took them to heart and wrote her a secret gift letter accompanying our family’s graduation gift. She thought he had specially chosen the item and only thanked him in a letter signed “All MyLove” I thought it was weird but did not think of it again. And then found out months later that nightly emails pages long all about compliments and intellectual discussions and taking this teenage as a seriously emotionally mature adult (which he told her and praised her for) resulted in return compliments. I forced him to stop and since then he has lied about following her whereabouts on the Internet and says no contact but wants me to get over it so he can be friends again. But he blurted out to me last year that he loved her but he didn’t think she loved him back. Meanwhile our daughter is still friends with her on Facebook and that is where he occasionally got his info. Bottom line is he won’t Change churches, al this is a big secret from everyone and I don’t trust he is over this “one sided infatuation” as he likes to call it. The only way I could not worry about it is if he never touched me again so I don’t have to wonder if he is getting off on imagining her instead of me. It is awful. So I don’t know what to do. I am trapped as he said if I leave him that is my choice not his because he has “moved on” and just wants to be friends with her. Awful. Help

  5. Steve

    I was in a 5-year committed relationship relationship when I was cheated on. Subsequent relationships have all revolved around the trust issues that resulted from the cheating. I finally resolved to not let old pain and bitterness infect new relationships, and met the lady that would eventually become my current wife. But resolving to do something, and actually DOING that thing, can be much easier said than done. I’m 4 years in to my marriage and I’m still struggling internally with the trust issues. I keep all of those thoughts to myself, but I’m going to have to sit down and talk to her about all of it. Clear the air, so to speak. She needs to know that I’m dealing with this in the very vest way I can for the both of us. And I need some occasional reassurance that she knows what I’m going through and that she is committed to the spirit and the words of our marriage commitment.

  6. becky

    Thank you so much for this article. Sometimes it is comforting for someone to remind you that your fears are simply manifestations of your anxiety and worry. I am in a relationship with a man I have been seeing for two years. We currently live together and he works out of town for weeks at a time. Even though he has remained faithful to me and I have no reason to believe otherwise I am still constantly wondering if he could and would cheat on me. Sometimes I am idiot and address these fears to him which only angers and frustrates him. I end up making myself look weak and insecure which is terribly unattractive. I shoild be enjoying the relationship and enjoying my life with him but sometimes its hard with my crazy thinking. I know what I need to do to change this thought process and I need to put it into action fast or I will lose him. I was hurt badly in a previous relationship that I ended when the cheating became a problem and its so unfair to my current partner that I have trust issues.

  7. Carla

    This article reiterated what I’ve been telling myself lately…that I cannot control other’s actions, only how I react to them. I was cheated on years ago by a pathological liar who became violent when I protested his transgressions, which were too aberrant to even go into. That’s a book, not a paragraph. I feel I came away from that relationship with PTSD which has carried over to, and ultimately destroyed, every other relationship that I’ve had. Now I’m in the relationship that I’m supposed to be in, and am in fear of losing him to another woman, or to mental exhaution due to my constant need for reassurance. I agree that men are attracted to confidence more than looks, so I’m motivated to try and rectify my way of thinking and let go of my need to be in control. There is no maintaining control over one’s significant other in a relationship. Only that which you have over yourself. Great article, thank you!

  8. tie

    this article really is the truth. after being ran around on for almost 7 years, i finally left. whiles i was with this ‘guy’ i truly believed he’d never do what he was doing, even after proof. i was too caught up in him to accept reality. and part of that was my own low self esteem. getting the courage to leave was hard, but i did.. and i am finally with someone who treats me wonderful and we are engaged and having a baby, but sometimes i still worry he will do what my ex did. i need constant reassurance and i blame him when i dont know anything bc i expect to be lied to. getting over being cheated on never goes away, but i guess ya just gotta move on and try to believe you are valueable and somebody really does love you and not everybody you meet will hurt you. otherwise, you or anybody you are ever going to be with will never be happy. its stressful worrying about being cheated on, but its stressful being blamed for nothing also. thanks rachael!

  9. Bella

    Great article! Question is when you’ve been cheated on numerous times how do you let go of the fear. I get that focusing on it or negative thoughts can create it but how in fact do you move on?

  10. JohnnaB.

    I feel this article saved my life .. Thank you- going through a situation like this can really take a toll on a human being, it’s extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you hold it in and don’t talk to anyone about it. I believe this was so meant for me to stumble across today. Thank You..

  11. Nickie

    My ex boyfriend of 3.5 years left me for another woman and it hurt so much. I am currently in a new relationship with a great guy, but I am constantly letting my fear of losing someone again, ruin my relationship. It’s not fair on him and pretty much all of those actions that I project out of insecurity, I do. I’ve been searching and searching the internet for a good article about how to deal with my anxiety and worrying and nothing’s helped. But then I came across your article tonight and it has changed my perspective so much! It’s inbelievable. Everything that you said was so powerful and really relatable too. This is an awesome article and you are an awesome person for providing this kind of support for individuals like me who have had a rough time when it comes to relationships.

  12. Danielle

    Hi I have been struggling with trust issues for a long time iam only 21 but iv been in two long term relationships, one which iam in now, and this issue has been basically draining me and had gotten to the point where it was sucking the joy out of my current relationship and draining my partner. I literally would get on edge over any little thing, imagine the worst case scenario, accuse him, have myself upset, stressed when he went out on his own once or twice and generally suspicious. Your article has really helped me. I wont be presuming it will happen any more il presume it wont. I find the only thing that gets that deep down fear away is to think so what if he did? Id get over it. Not because I dont love him but because I need to feel that I have that strength. Everyone tells me how hes not like that as in the cheating type and in the past he has never cheated on anyone he was cheated on by his ex though. I dont want him to be walking on egg shells though and I dont want him to feel controlled because thats what happened to him in the past with his ex and its just cruel. I have to believe in him.

  13. Jessica

    Thank you for this post. It’s really opened my eyes. I’m really scared my partner may be losing interest because I keep asking for reassurance that he loves me and cares about me. I don’t know if I should be worried as he’s become very distant and doesn’t particularly want to come see me anymore. People I know are saying to leave him, but I just love him too much. I’ve tried talking to him about whether or not he’s cheating, but he says he isn’t and I make the effort to believe him, however I still feel like he’s lying. We’ve been through so much during the 5 years we’ve known each other, with breaking up many times and moving out of our place together because we needed space, that I’m just not sure he is truly in love with me anymore. I feel he’s more in love with what we were than what we are now. I don’t know how to feel or act anymore. I find myself getting more depressed everyday because of all this worrying. I just don’t know where to go from here.

  14. maria

    Hello my name is maria. Im 22 years old married to 26 year old man. I got married at 20 but met my husband at 19. Before him i never had a boyfriend that I actually cared about. I never loved any of them. I was actualy kinda horrible id use men for whatever. But with my husband it was so diffrent. But now its going on 6 years together. And ive been so insecure of myself and the list you have above that starts with insecuritys about personal look & attributes. I have every single problem you listed. Except I have never been hurt or cheated on before in any previous relationship. Im so scared because im ruining my marriage im so scared im pushing my husband away. I dont know where to turn to help. Please any advice will help. I wany nothing more than to strt this new year 2014 with a complete turn around. I want me and my husband to rebuild that happiness

  15. ally

    This article is great advice. But i dont feel strong enough to take it. I have a tough time trusting and i hate that i hate not trusting my husband i try to be cool about it and push my feelings aside but i end up, at one point or another, exploding with emotions and he doesnt understand what hit me!! Ughh why is it so difficult to be a woman.. being insecure of our bodies especially after having babies, worrying about what we look like our hair is it the right shade of blonde are my clothes sexy for him willl he see me when i get out of the shower .. what does he think when he sees me without clothes? Does he regret geting married so young? Does he look at other girls then think of them after when we r being intimate. The list goes on. I am honestly obssessed i dont know what to do anymore. I act strong so it doesnt make me look weak but i reach a breaking point and shit hits the fan. I need strength to follow this advice.

    • Your comment is exactly how I feel and what happens to me I know my husband won’t cheat on me deep down I know but then this random thoughts start coming to my mind and I over thig and wonder and next thing I know I overreact on a random issue that wasn’t even a big deal and he always ask me is is your Oma weak, ? because you should warn me. Lol he is a super sweet loving husband and father I wish these feelings could just get taken from me so I and you and all this woman can just live in peace but it’s a challenge for sure and trying to find the strength seems to be the test.

  16. Better Than This

    Thank you for this article. I can relate to alot of the bullet points in it. I recognize and fight to keep from letting it take control of me, but it’s hard. It is a constant mental battle. I fluctuate from being angry at myself for it and not having more self esteem, to understanding what led to these feelings to begin with. It is all due to experiences from past relationships. I’ve previously been in an abusive relationship and also was unexpectedly blindsided by one of the people I could have swore would never hurt me in another relationship. I too, feel like I have some kind of PSTD from all of it.

    My husband hardly ever goes out, but the first instant that he mentions he is, I panic from that point on. Realistically, I don’t believe he would cheat or want to hurt me, yet he is guilty of doing minor things in the past prior to our marriage to cause distrust.

    I know that if someone was going to cheat, nothing you could do would stop them, but it’s a natural self defense mechanism.

    I will work on the confidence….even if it is fake and for appearances only. I’m actually laughing at the thought of what his reaction would be the next time he goes out with the fellas and I turn and say “okay….enjoy yourself!” That will have him wondering the rest of the night! lol

  17. Stuck

    Hey there, great article and it helped calm me down. My stomach has been going haywire and it’s hard to know if my boyfriend is cheating since he had an emotional affair before. I have random peaks of anxiety out of nowhere, and it is the same panic I had prior to revealing his infidelity, which he denied and showed no remorse. Later, he has, I have left several times, and it seems that this article helped with the anxiety, but if my body is telling me to run….should I listen or try to become self-assured? He is generally flirty and doesn’t realize it, but it scares me and my body feels beat down…not sure what to do. Thanks for all the insight into the law of attraction though. Positive thoughts and self-control forward into the future <3

  18. josh

    Mid twenties male here. Ive been with my current girlfriend for about 5 months and she is the first woman i have been really happy to be with in a very long time. I have been experiencing severe anxiety as of late over losing her, largely due to how past relationships have ended. I think i found this articale at the best time. It has so many excellent points and i will likely be reading this again several times over as the need arrises. Thank you so much



  20. N.H

    Thank you for this.

  21. Anya

    It could be the hormones speaking, considering I am 6 months pregnant, but no matter how hard I try to stay positive, focused and attempt to stop obsessing over what he is doing it’s so difficult. He is a firefighter and is gone 4 days a week, I’m always so worried who he is talking to and if he is talking to her again….. I never thought marriage would be this way.

  22. Mel

    Your advice couldn’t have come at a better time. I am currently in this predicament and it is ruining my marriage, not too mention that i am looking like an insecure wife, as my husband has put it. Not a day goes by where i dont think about the possibility of him cheating on me but also the pretty young thing that is under suspicion, and it is ruining my life. I now need to start focusing on me as life is just far tooshort to be otherwise concerned on something tat may not even be happenning. Some of the signs are there but not all of them. I too was lookinmg for reassurance but after reading this i have realised that i actually dont need any, its time to start being the confiden woman that i use to be and see what the future brings. Thank you for making me realise that there is more to life and more to me, than worrying about his actions over my own :)

  23. I am happy I read your article to control our security.I am married to a guy and i am older than him.first he told me a wrong age even the marriage certificate has the wrong age.I am so jealous of him becauss the lies he told me from the beginning of the relationship.i tried to convince myself that he doesnt deserve my insecurity.he should be the one feeling that way because i am an independent lady and my salary is morw attractive than his.i recognize what i’m doing is wrong and unhealthy and i tried desperately to ignore him and be happy.Thanks again for your sincere encouragement and i hope i can be steonger after i writ e my experienced.

  24. Kim Lawrence

    This hit home for me as well. I am learning that in order to keep the greatest guy I’ve ever known I am to quit pushing him away. Lately I’ve felt extremely close with him but ONLY AFTER him being honest enough to tell me he was feeling he could no longer live in a world of constant stress with the person he was to marry. He had started to lie to me and became distant and walking the line of single hood when this final attempt to communicate happened. Thank God for once I was able to hear him out completely without going into my “well what ifs” and became very grateful that he noticed my ability to actually listen and he proceeded to telling me those things. This was a few weeks ago. I can honestly say that even though its been a short time span, just the humbleness approach to communicating has worked wonders for us. Last night he and I confessed to possibly being more in love than ever due to my ability to trust more and allow him to be his own person without being scared to conclude me in his life out of fear of being accused of something more. I’m learning to except him as an individual knowing his love for me will keep him faithful, keeping him wanting to love MRE. And as for me, I feel the same toward him and make sure to always be pleasant understanding and loving. It takes practice but its really not as hard as what I’ve made it be all these years.

  25. Kim Lawrence

    Also I’d like to add…. there has been a time or two I’ve been on the phone with him and him and his crew would be grilling and cooking out at the hotel they are in and a heat wave of jealousy and worry not me but in those Kenya without making it obvious I say I need to go for whatever reason, recollect myself, take deep breaths and call back or wait till a later time. I kinda look at it this way now… I’m a good looking woman, so a lot of guys say, and get hit on or asked out a lot. I’m flattered as any person would be but do not allow it to interfere in my personal life. Im sure I get hit on more then him and by no means do I cross any lines tho no one would ever know therefore I feel he feels and does the same. Regardless we’d know if we went outside of our relationship and personally believe the guilt would be too much for us to not confess asap. The depth of the connection we share is so great that there’s truly no denying we are with each other only.

  26. carolyn

    I just want to say thank you after reading this article I sent it to a couple of my girl friends and we all were amazed for myself its making me want to step up my game I’m planning on driving my husband crazy making love I’m going to do things that I know is going to make him want to rush home after work and see what’s next once again the energy is now all about us

  27. J

    Thank you! I was with a girl for almost a year when she cheated on me. I decided I couldn’t go through it again and spent 2 years sleeping around, one day I met my current girlfriend and I felt what love was.she is all around perfect and we’ve been together for almost a year now. I noticed that as we get closer to finding an apartment together I get nervous and suspicious and I didn’t know what was happening to me. It was beginning to cause an issue and you helped me realize that I needed to let the past go. Hopefully things work out!

    • Raven girl

      Hey I’m not sure if you’re still with your girl or not :) I think regardless of the person you’re with (if they’re reasonably devoted to you, so far faithful and trustworthy) feelings of insecurity will come up. These feelings, not just for you but for myself and many people, simply lead to fears. For me I have fears of abandonment, loss of love and care, betrayal etc. and if I look deeper these fears lead to a void within myself. If you research ‘Ben oofana’ he explains this process extremely well. He gives free advice on his blog, but does medicine/energy work to heal you from the inside out. I’m going to start meditating on how it felt to be with my last unfaithful partner and work through those emotions. It’s just a trigger.

      The reason why I replied to you although I wanted to share this with every poster, is that I had a lover at one time who was tirelessly controlling, jealous and insecure. It sounds like you’ve found a girl you want to keep so do everything in your power to keep her. Working through your insecurities and fears will give you all the responsibility. If she feels like you put your issues on her she will be heartbroken as I was. It makes the partner think they’re not good enough for you, that you aren’t worth being trusted and it hurts a LOT. That’s why I left my insecure boyfriend! I’m also insecure but I know only I have control over that and communicate that to my current partner so he knows what I’m feeling and thinking but also that I don’t want to put it on him. :)

  28. Cole

    Wow! I cannot express how life changing this article was. I used to be stuck in the rut worrying all the time. And now, I realize that the bigger picture is to let go all of my negative energy and start living a more positive life with me and my partner.

  29. Hazel

    Thank you so much for this article — it’s really relieving to know many other people are anxious about their partners cheating.

    I am 20 years old, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over one year now and I love him so much. He is my first real relationship, after one several years ago in which I was bullied, and emotionally and sexually abused (it feels very strange to write it out like that, so quickly).

    After feeling rock-bottom for so long, trying to cope with A-Level exams at the same time as coping with depression, and moving to university, I found my boyfriend. He completely transformed life for me, and has been so supportive of my journey upwards. He told me he loved me the second day we spent together, and since then love has just blossomed. It almost seems too good to be true, and I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming sometimes. He says he will marry me after university, and we will travel the world together. Everybody believes it, just seeing us together in the perfect relationship.

    I have felt nothing but bliss this past year, but occasionally (and it’s becoming more and more often) I am extremely worried that he might cheat on me. I know I am insecure because of what happened before I moved away to university, but it’s making me feel awful and guilty for even considering that he might cheat.

    The thing is, we see each other all of the time, every day. We’re best friends as well as a couple. Life seems so much brighter when I am with him. But when he spends time with his best male friend I am worried, because this friend takes drugs, and has a lot of sex with a lot of women, even housemates e.t.c. There seems to be no filter, nobody cares, and to them it is just sex.

    The year before I met my boyfriend, when it was his first year at university, he told me he had slept with five girls that year, four of which I see almost daily around university… He was not enjoying university, he had no support from home and he took to drinking a lot, and seeing girls. I understood that.

    But I am scared my boyfriend might fall into this again – he is still friends with a few of them. They seem to be the complete opposite of me – confident, secure, outgoing. I am introverted, insecure, and quite shy. I am anxious that one day he will get bored of me. He is like them, charming, self-assured, confident, outgoing, boisterous. He is very attractive, and I see the looks girls give him as they pass him in the street – I have learnt to brush them off now.

    I am worried, I know I have no reason to be at the moment, but if he did cheat or fall in love with somebody else I do not know how I would cope. He is moving in to my shared house next year…I have to learn to not worry about things that haven’t happened. I haven’t told him any of this, I don’t want to seem needy or overly dependent.

    Thank you for your article, it opened my eyes. By worrying so much, and trying to create scenarios, thinking about the worst, I am losing myself completely. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m just a bundle of worries!

    I just always believed or hope for true love, it seems extremely naive, but I always believed there was one soulmate for every person out there. And I believe I have found mine, despite being quite young still. I don’t want it to end.

  30. Kayla

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now and recently found text messages on his phone. This article I really needed to read. I’ve been asking myself what I did wrong and every night wanting to check his phone seeing if Hes still cheating. I love how now I know it wasn’t me and NO I can’t stop him from doing it if he is going to. Also its stressful just trying to track his every move again I need to tell myself I can’t stop him. I love him and he loves me and this article may be what saves our relationship and mostly my sanity. Thank you so much!!!

  31. Clara

    thx Rachael. but its only different when he has cheated several times, confessed, reasured not 2 do it again but he neva stops! ive now lost love 4 him 2 the extent that he nolonger turns me on! i just i hate him! any hope 4 me?? am 33, we have 2 dotaz and a boy

  32. tommyontime

    I’m 63 with a new 43 year old gf. She thinks we look a like. She has a history of being with multiple sex partners while married, couple swapping while married and other singular flings with married men. Geez, can you understand why today, when she was drunk at noon talking to an old boyfriend about how sexually unsatisfied she is with me, how my feelings got a little hurt? Other than that, she’s a great girl. Other than what? Am I kidding myself? I feel like sh** right now. She says I misinterpreted what I heard her say. In fact, she denies ever talking to an old bf. Cheating and lying, the gifts that just keep on giving….

  33. Jen

    It was exactly what I needed. The hard part is learning to put this way of thinking into practice. To try to be arrogant for lack of a better word and give yourself the positive self talk when you don’t really believe it. I suppose it fits into the old saying, if you don’t love you then who else will. To add I found it particularly comforting to read the other comments and know that others have the same fear as me. Thank you

    • Yael

      My boyfirend is amazing and sweet, and travels quite often for work to countries like Brazil and Columbia.

      This gives me constant anxiety and stress and my mind never stops working overtime imagining scenarios or imagining what he could be doing.

      There is no real reason for me to have these fears, yet I do.

      This article really helped me realize how much of a waste it is!! Life your life people!!

  34. Jennifer

    Reading this really made me think and reflect on myself and what I go through daily. I am constantly in fear my husband is cheating and that is all I can focus on. It drives me insane. I know he is not doing any such thing. His everyday things have not changed in the last 7 years we’ve been married, however the thoughts just keep coming to my mind. We have discussed the matter, I saw a therapist for a while which helped for a bit but then the thoughts started coming back. I just want to stop feeling this way about him. It is taking a toll on my marriage. He gets annoyed with my constant questions even though he goes to work (in a factory) comes home and is with me for the rest of the night. I work second shift now so I’m not home 90% of the time in the evening. He is home with our son, he doesn’t leave to go anywhere (I ask my son). I just need help getting over questioning him. I was cheated on for 5 years by my ex which whom I was madly in love with. I’ve tried to move on from those feelings but I do believe they haunt me 24/7. Help!! Please!!

  35. Tasha

    I have been cheated on in my past and as a result I have major issues in the trust and relationship department. Your articles are great first off; they make alot of sense but I personally feel soo far gone that I just can’t be helped.
    I married my partner last June, and we have a good relationship but anything that has to do with other females is what gets to me the most and puts a wedge between us. For example: Any shows/movies on tv that I find inappropriate I “lock” and put a password on them that only I know. I don’t want to go certain places, especially when the weather is warm out so that my husband can’t “look” at other women. I make sure we go grocery shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the masses of women that would be at the grocery store. I don’t want to go to family get-togethers or friends weddings etc with my partner because I don’t want him to look at/flirt with other women. My husband is really not a bad guy and he does pretty good for the most part, but I just have been so hurt in my past that I don’t want to deal with it ever again and I don’t trust any/very few men or females (for obvious reasons). I just want someone who doesn’t want to or need to look at, flirt with, etc other women and that will be happy with just ME. I just can’t take the hurt etc of seeing him look at or flirt with someone else. I just can’t. And the things above are just some of the ways that I personally cope with and try to divert things that hurt and upset me that men do. It is like second nature to me. As much as I would LOVE to be able to fully trust and believe my spouse would never do any of the things that hurt and upset me most, I know better. I am anxious and depressed what feels like 24/7…I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to deal with it any other way. I just can’t let go and trust, especially after seeing things that hurt/upset me happen right in front of me. It is like a nightmare that won’t end! =(

  36. Mike

    A great article. I am gay and my ex-partner of ten years turned out to have been cheating with multiple partners for most of our relationship. Of course I got tested and am okay – but I have just met someone special and now find myself obsessing over what he may or may not be doing. I realise that he is not my ex and am desperately trying not to be too suspicious – bulgur it is harder than I thought. I never really understood what was meant by bringing baggage to a relationship until this one began…now I know that is what I am doing. I continue to work on this and am certainly not attempting to check up on my new romantic interest – but the temptation to do so is overwhelming at times. Thank you do the pointers above. Very helpful.

    • rachaellay

      Mike, when you’ve been cheated on before it’s even harder to let go of the worry of being cheated on again. I’m sorry this happened to you. I encourage your attempts to avoid tarnishing your current partner for the wrongs of your ex. They are different men and my hope is that this love is much kinder and more true for you.

  37. Christopher

    I happened to be looking for an article tonight on advice for this situation as I constantly worry about my boyfriend cheating. I am a 25 year old gay male and when I was 17 I had my first committed relationship. He and I were together for two years and we were very close and everything seemed to be perfect. I had become so involved with his family and eventually the relationship started getting really really bad and he ended up cheating on me and that completely destroyed me. I was 19 when this happened and it took another two years to completely move on from him. Although the feelings are no longer there and I’ve moved on completely, the fear of falling back to that shattered place I was in still plagues me to this very day in my current relationship. We met last year in december and we had a rough beginning because he still hadn’t recovered from being cheated on either and he was afraid to be involved too much with the relationship. Well, we’ve squashed that and we are doing better than ever, but I still worry so much about it. He’s told me countless times he would never do it because he knows how it feels and that he’s faithful. He has a much better grasp of it and he doesn’t worry about me doing it at all but at the same time I was much closer with my ex when he cheated and it really destroyed me. I wish I could stop worrying so much about this because I just want to enjoy the time I have with him and try to make a lasting relationship with him. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about someone and I don’t want to lose it again.

  38. Robert

    This article is exactly what I need to hear and I am trying to let go of the fear and insecurities I am having with my girlfriend of 2+years. I feel like she is an amazing woman whom I care and love greatly. However, within the last year and since moving in together this past September, I have found she and I have some personal insecurities and general anxieties that are troubling me and making me anxious too. I know I should be concentrating on myself and trying to be more communicative but thoughts of infidelity have crossed my mind as she seems to be generally lacking interest, communication and affection towards me…it hasn’t always been like this but it has become more troublesome and I really don’t feel the love that I used to for her…While I am still attracted to her, I’m becoming more frustrated on our lack of communication and ability to be consistently intimate. I find myself begging for intimacy/sex… Thoughts of infidelity have occurred when she is coming home late from work routinely and a general lack of intimacy throughout the day…I think it’s possible that she is just going through a difficult time with school, work/life balance but also know that she is generally “shutting down” with me and there could be infidelity.

    Lately I feel like I should break things off and living together has got extremely difficult…

    That being said, I’m going to continue to focus on myself and continue to work on my own personality strengths. In speaking with my therapist, she thinks it might be that we might just be incompatible and have two separate personalities with me being more extroverted and her more introverted.

    Any comments or suggestions to improve my relationship, to let her go or to just focus on myself would be much appreciated…

  39. sarah

    Hi…this article is all me…everything that you wrote I felt like your talking about me…this was very helpful …..

  40. Anonymous "S"

    Thank you so much for sharing this article. My husband cheated on me about two years ago. He is a personal trainer and he is very good looking. He found commonalities with a young 19 year old whom he was training. Anyway, when I found out it was incredibly hard because he kept fighting me and denying anything ever happened. He said it was all emotional. One year later, which was about one month ago, he confessed that they actually did kiss, and if I had not intervened at the time I did, it could have gone further. Since then he has apologized and done his best to show me that he loves me and that he made a mistake. But I cant help but think that it took me one year to get over it to then again realize that what i thought i got over was a complete lie. I cant help but wonder now, what if he’s still lying and he will decide to tell me the truth next year. You know what I mean!? It’s crazy. So, I am having such a hard time trusting and my need for re-assurance has been insane. Your article really spoke to me and I truly appreciate it.

    • rachaellay

      Being cheated on it it’s own betrayal that hurts enough on it’s own. Being lied too as well only compounds the hurt because no matter what you ask, and hear, you will always wonder what is being held back. I hope you and your partner are able to work your way through this and open more truthful lines of communication about what happened, so you can move on with trust and ongoing honesty.

  41. Chris

    I have been with my wife for over three years. We are only married for 1-1/2. We ended up into an argument with each other that made me want to leave. When I left and refused to come back, she did things to her self such as try to commit suicide. What made things worse for us was the fact that I left her alone, neglected and abandoned, in a hospital while she was recovering.I never admitted to myself that I was wrong for quite a while. But after a month of her pleading for me to come back, I agreed to make up for the damage that was done. But upon discovering the truth about what she decided to do while I was away, she had cheated on me with another person. I was enraged by the choice she made and I wanted to walk away completely, and almost filed for divorce. But I wised up and decided I want to fix my marriage with my wife. I came back into her life not really knowing what to expect. Right now we are together and at the moment, things are ruff. She is still in communication with her friend she had the affair with. She tells me cause she has some invested feelings toward this guy that she can’t stop talking to him. I’m so worried that she will listen to him and believe that she will cheat on me again.But after reading this site though, I feel as if I have a better prospective on our damaged relationship. I cant worry about what she is doing, or what she will do. If she wants to truly want to be with me, then she will let me be. I can’t keep getting frustrated on what has happened and all the wouldas, couldas, and shouldas, for the past when i should have been there for her. As a husband, I failed by making things worse than what they are instead of truly listening to my heart. My goal is to repair the damage done, or at least say that I have done all that I can. It’s only been two weeks since I have been back together with her. So if I don’t come to terms with myself now, I will ruin what we created and built, a foundation of love and trust. We have started counseling so I am hoping the next visit that the counselors words of mediation can help us both come to a mutual understanding of love and trust for each other. I love my wife.

  42. Gemma

    This article has helped me a little bit I had a bad previous relationship where I was cheated on and it took me long enough in the beginning to trust him or any man as I was sexually assaulted at a young age, I trust my boyfriend and he is my world but he is going away on a stag party and I’m nervous I know he won’t cheat on me I really do deep inside but can’t get the horrible feeling out of my stomach I know it’s me with the issue on the trust factor as he has been hurt before, he is the most amazing man I have ever met and were only 7 months into our relationship been living together for 6 months I can’t ruin this as it will ruin me, he gets upset when I talk about ex partners so I can’t even say this is why I’m getting nervous.

  43. Louise

    Thank you for this wonderfully written article Rachael! It has really struck a chord with me.
    I have been dealing with insecurities and anxiety throughout my 5 year relationship with my partner. We both got together through cheating on our ex partners so I think this has always meant that I have trust issues with my current partner and myself. It took me a long time to leave behind a lot of guilty feeling for cheating on my ex. I never thought I was the sort of person to cheat and I felt so terrible for years after, beating myself up and turning myself inside out with regrets. It was very bad for my self esteem.
    I am now 25 and after a lot of self help books, reading about The Law of Attraction etc, I am trying my best to deal with my demons in a better way!!
    I think the fact my current relationship was born out of infidelity has always made me feel very insecure. My partner was a bit of a casinova before we got together. He had a lot of female friends who were also my friends. We both do not speak to these girlfriends anymore because I made it clear I was not comfortable with this. Although that sounds like I dictated who he spoke to… We have actually had a better relationship since we cut out these girls from our lives.
    We have just moved across the other side of the world together to begin a new life, so I am going through a lot of new insecurities again and the anxiety is creeping back. My partner has just started in a new job here and the job requires him to work away occasionally. He has to meet lots of new people (women) who all appear to me to be very confident and attractive business women. This has pushed my own confidence back slightly again, which is why I have sought some online help in the form of your article!
    I completely agree with everything you say… It’s almost as though ‘you get what you expect’ in life! Therefore, I really need to start expecting better things and having faith in the person I chose to love and be with. I truly don’t think he would cheat on of hurt me. He has reassured me countless times and he is a wonderful person. I think sometimes when you are so in awe of someone else you do tend to forget how wonderful you are too though… And this is what becomes a problem. It’s about loving yourself enough so that you don’t rely on someone else’s love to validate you!!
    As with everything in life, trust is a work in progress… It takes practice (especially if you have been hurt in the past) but you really can turn things around if you commit everyday to loving yourself abs focussing all your energy on good, positive things!! When you focus more on yourself and all the good things about you, it matters less what your partner is doing and you can both feel more at ease.
    All of what I am saying here is going to take a lot of willing and practice… But I believe it’s possible! It’s both a comfort and a shame to read so many similar posts and know a lot of us struggle with trust, but reading things like your article really do help and I wish everyone all the best in their endeavours to change and become happier! :-)

  44. Ness

    This was a great article to read. I have a hard time because my boyfriend works out of town, and he’s barely home. When he is home, he’s sleeping. His job is demanding and he has no set schedule. When he’s out of town, we will go hours without talking/texting. He will say that he is going to sleep. When I do hear from him, we will talk for a little bit, then he goes MIA. When I hear back from him he will say that he was sleeping… again. One of the guys he works out of town with is cheating on his girlfriend, and at times they will go out together for some drinks after work. So naturally my mind always goes to the “his friend is doing it so he must be too”. He says just because his friend is doing it doesn’t mean he is. My mind goes crazy without the reassurance that he’s not up to anything bad when he’s out of town.

    • rachaellay

      What your partner says is true, just because his friend is doing it, it doesn’t mean he is. With that said, distance and the inability to ‘know’ what is going on can certainly feed the mind with worry.

      My advice is that, without any evidence of anything going on, to trust until you know differently. Most people find it really hard to go with this plan because we believe that trusting (somewhat blindly) will always see us get hurt. But it is more often, in relationships, that not trusting without reason is what causes more damage.

  45. P

    This is a pretty useful and accurate article! I was really insecure before, and it caused problems with me and my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for almost 2 years now. She was always a little bit inappropriate with other guys, not really in a purposefully flirty way, it’s just how she is. She’d do things to annoy me like leading guys on unintentionally, snogging her girl mates in a club attracting male attention, and having quiet nights watching a movie one on one with guys who’d bring her bottles of wine.

    Anyway, we talked about our issues and I learned that she needed to calm down a bit, and I needed to get over my insecurity if we were going to be happy together. So she did, and I worked on it and she said she was much happier with how I acted and I was much better. Only then not long after she went on holiday and got back and told me she had cheated on me. I accepted it (better than I thought) and we stayed together. Only problem is her story didn’t fully add up to all the pictures that had been posted of her and the guy on facebook, so recently I calmly asked her if we could have a conversation about it to tie up loose ends and put my mind to rest.
    She started calm, but soon became quite hostile, saying that she already told me it’s all coincidence and there’s nothing more to talk about (this is before I even brought up the issues), and went on to say that she has tried to keep cool with all my insecurities but can’t be with me if it’s going to keep up.

    The thing is, though I was insecure at the start, we both saw that I had improved to the extent where it wasn’t a problem anymore. Now she has cheated on me (and hidden a couple minor things from me) I feel like it’s not unreasonable for me to ask to have an open discussion about what had happened, to give me an explanation for the things that don’t make sense, and to ease my mind. Surely she owe’s me at least that? Considering I let her off so lightly (had a cigarette, then took her to the fair and for dinner) and basically all she said was ‘sorry, i won’t do it again’. She’s linking this to the more unreasonable insecurities I had in the past, saying she can’t ‘keep putting up with this’ and i think it’s unfair on me considering this is a completely different and real scenario.

    Anyway, sorry about the essay, point is I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her, even though many people have said it’s the right thing to do, and part of me thinks so too, but I do love her and so am finding it hard to let her go. On the other hand, it’s not fair that she’s done this and far from being reassuring, is having a go at me and saying she’ll break up with me because of my insecurity, when all I want is a calm conversation and decent explanation.

    Any advice will be welcomed.

    Thanks for taking the time to read

  46. nicole

    I can’t believe the number of people this article hit hard. I too felt that you hit the nail on the head with every word. The question really is how do you build true self confidence and stop fear?

    How do you let go and stop worrying?

    • rachaellay

      It is hard, there’s no doubt Nicole.

      But for your own wellbeing, and in respect for yourself, you need to practice letting go and trusting that whether you worry or not, it has no bearing on what will happen. Your time and energy is much better spent on cultivating your relationship, and your personal care, rather than focusing on what may not (and may never) happen.

      You need to make a conscious choice to redirect your thoughts, to kill negative, unhelpful worrying as soon as it starts up. It takes time to make this a habit, but it will happen if you want it to.

  47. Heidi

    Thanks for this article. I am a couple of weeks past D-Day and am at the point of trying to heal myself. The affair brought up every single insecurity I have about myself and I have been searching for a way to go on from here. Your article confirms what I already knew except it goes one step further by pointing out that I need to quit worrying that he will cheat again and that only he is in control of his actions. I know and so does he that I have dealt with this issue for the last time in that if he has contact with this person again I am out of here. He wants to save the marriage, but now I’m fighting my own demons and insecurtities. I plan to take your advice and hopefully wwe can recover from this.

  48. A.J Sanchez

    Thanks for this article. I’ve been cheated on twice in the past, and I feel like my fear of being cheated on isn’t any closer to going away anytime soon. I’ve been low on self esteem for years now, but I’ve been dating a girl who’s been my best friend for four straight years. What I didn’t know was that she’s been in love with me for four years as well. But now she’s in college in a different state, and I’m absolutely paranoid. I’m worried. I don’t know how to tell myself that if she has loved me for four years then it’s doubtful that she’ll easily switch affections for someone else. I need to realize she’s telling the truth when she says I’m the only one for her. She tells me things my cheating exes never told me before. So why am I having so much difficulty believing it?

  49. O

    Great article.
    It has hit all the points that I have been experiencing for the past few years.
    I have been married for almost 15 years and my husband has never cheated on me. He has been good to me and is an awesome father.

    I got married at 22 and my husband is the only man I have been with. My idea of an husband was someone who would love and cherish me for what I was and help me grow. He would be my best friend and make me feel secure.

    Early on in our marriage, my husband would talk about the women in his life who liked him and whom he liked. He would talk about their qualities and try and correct me to the point that it felt like he did not like me or appreciate me for what I was.
    He never praised me for my smartness,looks or intelligence, so when he praised another woman I felt cheated and let down.

    I developed a sense of insecurity and worthlessness.

    I would throw tantrums and then give the silent treatment but he never seemed to get the point.
    After the birth of our 2nd son 7 years ago I suffered from postpartum depression and had to undergo therapy.
    Some of the issues were resolved and my husband has been more appreciative since then, but I am not able to get over my insecurities.

    I have become distrustful and suspicious of his actions. I doubt him all the time but he has been understanding and supportive through all this.
    He has given me access to his emails/FB/phone but it is not helping.

    I was mad when I found out a year ago that he was in touch with a woman from his past on FB. Though there was nothing to it, I spiraled back into my insecurities and had to be treated for anxiety again.

    Same thing happened when I found out that he had been extra nice to a woman from work because she worked hard on a project that he was heading.

    He said he appreciated her hard work and that she was very talented. After she left for another job i found that she had connected with him on FB.
    I lost it again, and had a big fight with him.

    My insecurities are affecting my marriage big time and I am afraid that if this continues it will end an otherwise happy marriage.

    I do not know how I can stop being like this

  50. Claire

    I have read many articles over the past year and this one may have just saved my life… literally. My partner and I have been together 14 years and have a 12 year old son. My previous 18 year relationship was riddled with cheating (by my then partner) and I carried that mistrust and low self esteem with me into my current relationship. My partner knew I had trust issues from the start and has always been reassuring and caring. The problem is he has a lot of female friends, mostly work colleagues, past and present, and generally is someone who gets on better with females. It’s been hard, especially with social media, and there have been a few instances where he has crossed the line (not physically though as far as I know). He maintains that he loves me and that he wouldn’t cheat and I really want to believe that but by the same token I haven’t been able to stop ‘checking up’ on him. I can honestly say every one of the bullet points above I am guilty of (for want of a better word). At the moment, for the past couple of years, I have been going through depression (recently become very severe), although this is not all as a result of the relationship problems. So now I am in the position where I am trying to ‘save’ the relationship while at the same time I have almost no motivation. I have stopped going out, stopped taking phone calls from friends and ‘better off dead’ has been a thought in my mind on a daily basis. Yep, I know, selfish right? Yet when I am in that mode I actually tell myself I would be doing everyone a favour and I believe it too. I know I need help but the relationship plus the actual depression are like a double hurdle and seem impossible to get over. I can’t seem to get past my obsession with the relationship in order that I can tackle the depression. I know, I tend to waffle, I hope my post is legible.

    Back to the article. Just reading it and recognising myself in what’s been written has helped me immensely. I don’t say this lightly either. It is just what I needed to help get things into perspective in my muddled head without feeling like my behaviour (the bullet points) was being judged. At the same time it has enabled me to acknowledge the effect it’s having on both of us, not to mention our son. I am going to save this page and read it as often as I need to, to reinforce the positives and hopefully change my mindset. Thank you so much!

  51. mitchell brodbeck

    I just want to say that I wish I had found this article months ago. Yes I have been cheated by my wife. And along with the cheating part there was so much more that went along with it. All of which I foumd out 7 monyhs aftwr she had moved out of state. But after it all we are still together. I have obsessed with her cheating on me again. So bad that now I have pushed her away. This article is everything ahe tried telling me for the last few monyhs. It is a very informative article. Thank you.

  52. Prisca

    Hi love this article,
    My husband cheated on me once with a work colleague and another the time developed feelings for a friend. Irt shattered my world and being.. It happened in between 1 year and since then it’s a constant struggle to let go and i leave in this fear that it might happen again. I feel paranoid at time and i talk to myself to have reassurance and worst i need confirmation from him. Which is not happening and i get more frustrated.
    Also he is bipolar, when he feels down he adds gal on facebook.. trashy ones and then delete so all these make me feel terrible as a woman.
    I came to the conclusion that i am destroying myself by being too involved and the overwhelming feelings are horrible..
    At times i feel so hopeless and at times i dfeel confindent…

  53. Stephan

    I just wanted to say thank you so much…..I have been searching for these words for a LONG time. Your words have given me the tools I needed to move on and stop letting past things control my current relationship (im engaged). What a blessing this will be for my spouse and I. Thank you again!

  54. Michelle

    Reading this article was a real eye opener for me. My last 3 relationships ended because of someone cheating. I’m with a wonderful man now, but every time he seems distant, those old feelings of suspicion rear their ugly head. I find myself doing things I told myself I never would, with him. Yes – they’re all a waste of time and energy, and end up making you crazy. I feel ashamed for having accused him of something he didn’t do, and says he’d never do, but reading this helped me realize that I must focus more on myself, and my good qualities. He’s with me for a reason.

  55. Myles

    This made me feel loads better. It was odd seeing someone list my exact behavior after I was cheated on… I’m still in my relationship, but we’re both in college, which puts distance between us. She likes to remind me how she won’t cheat on me, even without me bringing it up at all, but then again, so did the last 3 that cheated on me. I’ve been hospitalized once, and had to see a counselor due to suicidal thoughts for nearly a year. And I love this girl. I’d love to be as strong as some of the people in this comment section who have just let it all go, but with such a track record, and still being so young, it’s tough for me… When she tells me to stop texting her for a few hours because she’s writing a paper after she just told me she was having friends over, it makes my mind wonder and I’m stuck worrying until we say goodnight. I feel so overbearing when I ask question her, and I don’t even do it that often. Tonight was another one of those nights, and I’m glad I found this article. I just need to learn to trust her, and believe she’s different from the others.

  56. Thanks for the article, even though it seems to be written ages ago…
    I have horrible trust problems with my partner. I have ZERO reason not to trust him, but my anxiousness and mistrusting issues are getting in the way. I don’t only react like this with my partner either, I react like this with everyone I meet. My bestfriend is getting a little sick of it, and I hate subjecting her to my crap. But I’ve saved this as a bookmark, and will be referring to it often to make my relationship with my love the best. I owe it to him.


  1. […] ever thought about your list of worst case scenarios for your relationship, chances are that cheating is one of them. It’s certainly high up on the list for a lot of people I speak to in my coaching […]

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