It’s easy to conceive why a cheating spouse can spell out the bitter end of what might otherwise have been a forever thing. It’s not just the physical betrayal, but also the loss of trust and the emotional infidelity, particularly for women.
A partner being unfaithful can also trigger intense levels of depression, low self esteem, low self worth and feelings of abandonment for the person who was cheated on. No one wants to feel as though their partner simply found someone better than they are, that they weren’t good enough to love forever.
All of this adds up to make complete sense of the fear that many people feel towards the possibility of infidelity in their relationship.
But when it comes down to it, the fear of being cheated on is a personal insecurity that only you can change.
Don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been cheated on before, I know it’s hard to trust again. Believe me, I’ve been there. But there comes a point when you have to stop punishing yourself and say ‘What they did was about them, not about me’.
They chose to cheat because of the kind of person they are, because of the circumstances they allowed themselves to become involved in, not because you weren’t good enough.
Yet, it’s hard to believe that when you’ve been betrayed and your relationship has been fractured, and you express the fear that remains with the following kinds of actions or behaviour:
- Insecurity about personal looks and attributes
- Checking in on where the other person is going, or has been
- Snooping on phones, emails or internet accounts
- Outbursts or silent treatment if the other person talks to anyone perceived as a threat
- A general lack of trust about the things the other person says or does
- Arguments that arise out of the insecurity, rather than a genuine issue
- Constantly telling the other person that you know they will leave you for someone else
- Not wanting to go out, or socialize for fear of someone attracting your partner
- Seeking constant reassurance
- Searching through your partners personal items or vehicle for evidence
- Believing even friends and family are likely affair prospects
All of these responses are understandable, but they are also complete energy and time wasters.
Obsessing about your partner cheating won’t stop it from happening.
No matter how much time you spend controlling and trying to prevent your partner straying, if the person you are in love with, is the kind of person to be disloyal, then all of the energy you put into worrying about whether they will cheat won’t stop it from happening.
You can’t control what another person does. You can only control how you think, feel and behave.
Let Go Of The Fear
It really is your choice to let go of the fear, and actively decide that you will no longer waste your energy trying to prevent, predict or control the actions of your partner, so you can feel more positive and calm in your relationship.
The first thing to do is to stop seeking constant reassurance.
Receiving reassurance can become an addiction. It feels good to have someone tell us how much they love us and would never hurt us, and it’s possible to get caught up in a cycle of creating conflict, just so you can get that hit of reassurance you’ve become hooked on.
But just like a drug, the power of that hit wears off pretty quickly when you keep taking it and soon, it’s never enough. It’s also exhausting for a partner to keep trying to convince you of their love and many will just stop if they feel like you don’t hear them anyway.
Step into your own power and nurture the belief that you are valuable, loveable and important to your partner. Provide your own reassurance when you start to feel doubtful with affirmations like ‘I am all that I need to be’, or ‘I am loved, valued and important’. Choose whatever feels good to say to your self and use it in times of fear.
Being confident and self assured is much more appealing and a kind of sexy that’s hard to stray from rather than being needy and lacking self value.
The next step is to stop worrying about those that you perceive as being more enticing to your partner than you are.
There will always be someone out there that could be considered more attractive, more interesting, funnier, richer, or smarter. It’s not about trying to measure up so that your partner will want only you, it’s about believing that you are loveable and trusting that your partner picked you for exactly who and what you are. Because they find you funny and interesting and gorgeous.
Stop missing out on enjoying time with your partner, by worrying about something that hasn’t happened, with people that aren’t part of your relationship.
Finally, stop focusing on that which you DON’T want to happen, and spend more time creating what you DO want
The universe doesn’t understand that what you are thinking about all the time is something undesirable. It takes any thought you create as a request and conspires to manifest those requests.
So, if you constantly focus on the negative thoughts around your relationship, chances are you will keep inadvertently creating negative situations between you and your partner.
Changing your thoughts, and letting go of the fear, makes rooms for more thoughts about what you really want to create in your relationship. It’s a much better way to use your energy and if you focus on how to give more love, how to strengthen your bond and create more intimacy, you’ll find you easily manifest the good loving you really desire.
Not Being Entirely Naive
All of this is not to say that you should be ignorant of any intuition or signs of infidelity.
If you have a feeling things have gone astray, or there are obvious signs that your partner’s focus may have shifted, then you should trust your own intuition and be willing to address your concerns.
Having an honest, adult, and somewhat vulnerable conversation with your partner about what you’re worried about can be the difference between realizing you had the wrong end of stick and getting on with loving each other, or letting your mind run away with the worst case scenario and having that fear ruin your relationship.
Open, mature conversation about boundaries and expectations is the only way to really approach the fear of being cheated on and a much more promising way to build a lifetime of love.
I’d love for you to share your insights or comments below. Have you been cheated on before? How did you handle it? And do you still carry that fear with you? What will YOU do to let it go today?